Why do kids learn to follow rules and morals? Because they learn to fear the consequences of not doing the right thing. Those kids who realize they can accept the consequences can then go on to do whatever they want. They become the bullies and troublemakers.
Your wife is acting just as she wants with no consequence from you. From the little bit of information you have leaked out about her on this thread, it seems she might have good reason to be so wary of intimacy, but this is only an assumption on my part. I am guessing she has some sort of abuse or trauma issue in her past. I suspect you do to. You might help yourself by filling us in on that.
But back to your M. Assuming your W has these types of issues and you do not like her current behavior, your task is to figure out a way to make her grow to a more functional level, or leave. She will NOT want to do this because it will feel unsafe for her. She is comfortable in the cocoon she has woven for herself, with your help. She will only want to move to a new level because that cocoon is no longer safe. IMO, your task is to take away the safety of her current cocoon and offer new refuge in a new place. Otherwise, what is her incentive to change? Your whining and complaining is obviously not enough to overcome her level of resistance.
Remember, people do what is easiest and that almost always means doing one less hard thing to avoid another more hard thing. In a healthy relationship, requests met by a spouse means that spouse understands and fears the consequence of not meeting the request. Perhaps the fear is of abandonment, knowing the other person could eventually leave, or maybe fear of an argument or cold relations. When your W does not meet your needs, what are her consequences? Do you continue being the nice guy because YOU think that is the right thing to do? If that is so, then ask yourself why you do that?
In all this nice guy discussion, I see some good points that Hairdog mentioned from the book, that nice guy actions can be a covert form of control (just another form of narcissism). Corri rants against nice guys because they are so passive aggressive and take advantage of other’s good intentions, but IMO, that is not the core issue. I think Corri may be irritated in part by the guilt she feels from not placing boundaries against the nice guy, then finding out later she has been duped. That would make anyone mad, but it is really a boundary issue for her, the person being duped. If someone is too nice to be true, then they probably aren’t true.
So the nice guy uses the shame of his her “victim” to his/her advantage. But remember the axiom that people take the easy way out. Why does the nice guy act this way? If it is conscious and premeditated, then I’d say the person is a sociopath. Otherwise, I assume the person is not aware of why s/he is being nice. Perhaps the niceness is the less hard path to avoiding a more hard path, which might be to avoid rejection, fear of being shamed, etc. All this says to me is that the nice guy has serious issues that s/he is trying to avoid and is protecting him/herself, just as a mean, attacking, aggressive person is doing. Same purpose, different tool.
So CeMar, what is your shame that you are trying to avoid when you feel you are NOT a nice guy? What happened to you to make you put the needs of others over the needs of yourself? Why do you have a problem asserting yourself over your wife as you take away the safety of her cocoon, even if it is to forge a path to a better place for her?
I would also take the comments to you from the women here with a grain of salt, not because those comments are wrong, but from what I see, they are commenting on how THEY think things should be. These women are by and large much healthier than your wife, IMO. So your wife will not be able to relate to what is being said here, it is on a level higher than where she is now. Your wife will not be able to switch over to a healthy form of relationship with you. She will have to grow and it will be painful for her and for you. So don’t expect to wake up and find an enlightened, intimate and functional wife all of a sudden. Once you take away her cocoon, she will be in some level of panic. It won’t make your life easier. She will fight to go back to her safe zone, just as Choc’s wife is doing. Can YOU handle this guilt?
One note to all of this….. be careful in how you wield power. Everything must balance. Sometimes compassion, not power, is the needed action. Other times power is needed to get the spouse to move off center, but empathy and compassion has to quickly come back into the mix to create that new safe haven. For instance, I fear that Choc has taken the path of too much power without proactively validating the fears of his wife, divulging his fears (ie., making himself vulnerable) and offering the safe haven she needs. So while he may have feared that asserting himself could drive another person away, his move too far to one side of the power spectrum may have created the self fulfilling prophecy he wanted to avoid. Always maintain balance.
