Hey, Cemar - But I'm a Nice Guy!

[fearless]

Guilty of these covert contracts as well. But what do you REPLACE them with? Overt contracts are ALSO unacceptable. I just covered 100% of the options unless someone can find a better solution.

Cemar, Yes an overt contract would not work either. There is ONE more option. STOP doing things to get your wife to act a certain way. DO them because YOU want to do them and DO NOT attach expectations to your acts.

I am starting to wonder why we should do ANYTHING for our spouses

This is the EXACT feeling that those covert contracts cause in a person and why they are so detrimental to YOU and your marriage. YOU have the control to stop this. This is why I told Hairdog I believe HE will feel better and happier when he stops this behavior.

Here is something I wrote on this subject over on Cadesmom's thread. You didn't respond so I am not sure if you believe me but I happen to be a person who does not have hidden expectations for people when I do nice things. I also don't believe in having friendships/relationships with "overt" contracts. That's why I did not care for Lou's use of the idea of a "raincheck" for sex. It's a personal thing but I just don't like the idea of reducing sex to something that I "owe" my partner.



Martelo: Another idea is that of a "covert contract" were a "nice guy" does something with the hopes that it will result in certain behavior in another, without the knowledge of the other.

Cemar2: Everyone does this, not just Nice Guys.

No Cemar you are WRONG. Not EVERYONE does this and I know because I don't do it and my friends don't do this. For example: I buy gifts for people when I have time and find something I think they would like. In NO way do I expect ANYTHING from them. My friend and I discussed this at Christmas when I gave her a gift after she had expressed a desire to not exchange gifts with friends to reduce spending and stress. I had already bought the gift and when I gave it to her I stressed that she had no need to reciprocate. Thankfully she took me at my word and didn't buy anything.

One of my personal pet peeves is people who don't take me at my word, make extra work for themselves and then seem resentful if I don't appreciate "enough" the extra work that I never asked for in the first place. But as I have said before my friends don't seem to be this way and those who are probably drop me as a friend early on.