Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[MaxP]

BTW I was diagnosed with a thyroid condition too (six weeks ago). Life sucks sometimes. In my case the best side affect was that I lost weight. I now feel fantastic but do worry about the future.

Thyroid issues for you, too. Weird. I don't know if you are a Get Smart fan, but I found it sorta funny that I am Agent 99 (ala Get Smart) and you are Max. (Of course, if you don't know the show Get Smart, then what I said won't make sense.)
Anyhoo.

Yes, I have an overactive thyroid (Grave's disease). It made me feel like everyone was very slow to do things. The good part is that I lost lots of weight and now feel great. The bad part is that my heart was pumping like a train at the oddest times, that was scary. Still, now I'm on the pills I feel much calmer (always wanted to say something like that). I actually feel fantastic. My C wondered how long this had been going on and whether it had had an affect on our R.

I don't know the show GetSmart. I'll look it up.

Should I just ask her whether she plans to be faithful rather than making a request (as I have done)?

I think that is what I would do if I were you. OR, you can not address it and let whatever happens happen. We have no control over it anyway. And even if they *did* say they would remain faithful, there is no way of knowing if it is true. Depending on your frame of mind, you may not want to know the truth; ignorance is bliss. If he hadn't told me that he would jump on the chance if it presented itself, I would probably be fine just staying here and waiting this crisis out. BUT,he has said what he said and now the veil is being lifted from my eyes and I can see that he doesn't see any hope for us. If he did, he wouldn't so easily consider doing that.
(Anyone out there feel like correcting me? I am certainly open for an alternative opinion--please?)

I did bring it up. Apparently she feels our R will be 'on hold' - i.e. not completely separated - and got the impression that this meant we were still in a relationship. Like you, I'm not sure I would like to know if she did sleep with someone. I know for certain she would not have a problem getting or finding someone to sleep with her and worry about all those single friends who may come out of the woodwork. She is very attractive (even if she doesn't believe that herself). She is the most elegant woman I know, and to use the word elegant is the highest compliment I can pay a woman.

Good luck at counseling today. I hope that you make some headway.

Sort of. My W still talks as if there is nothing to save and she wants out but the nuggets of info keep coming.

1. She has lost her identity. She has lost touch with some of parts of her and changed in other ways. We do too much together and she resents this (which is true).
2. She wants to do things on her own but feels compelled to ask me along - because I look upset if not asked. She then resents me being there and the time together is poisoned (I pick up on these vibes when we are out and panic).
3. She feels she has recreated the same pattern that existed in a previous relationship but with a very different man (me)*. This means she feels it is her that is the problem and perhaps she will keep doing this.

* The loss of identity. The feeling she needs to include the other spouse in things when she doesn't want to. The fact that her spouse ends up living their life through her.

I pointed out that she can be free to live her own life within our R, that through this crisis I have rediscovered my friends and my interests and want to pursue them. I am doing things that I never would have done before and am tackling these issues through my own counseling. That I am fed up of holding myself back. That I have realised I have complete faith and confidence in myself and that I can and will do anything I want. I am breaking free.

Knowing this is a big issue is enough to start to break it down. She seems quite fatalistic about this problem though. I guess I can only convince her through actions.

This whole thing hurts. If we choose to stand by our marriage, then they will continue to have the ultimate control and choices. It is something that we'll just have to come to terms with. Obviously, boundaries would make some sense to protect ourselves. Now is a time for our own personal growth. And, if and when the time is right, we may end up taking control of our own lives instead of letting them dictate our futures. I had *thought* that I was in a partnership. Apparently not.

Exactly. It is even clearer now that I need to take control of my life and regain my independence. An added benefit of this is that she will also regain her time and we can break this pattern.

Sorry, in reading this post I realise I have gone on a lot about my sitch. I hope that's ok. The message is clear though, we need to regain our independence and get out there and start living.