Stillme & the Plan

[stillme]

Whew! And I missed out on all the good talking today. Anyone around now?

Let's see - Oh, about the flowers. Good suggestion and I've been doing that - but, again, it needs tweaking. When H moved out, I started buying myself bouquets of mixed flowers & keeping a vasefull on the kitchen counter. This was an a I-do-it-b/c-it-makes-me-happy attitude. He knew I bought them (kids told him) & it meant nothing to him. Fast forward to the current sitch, and LAST NIGHT I p/u 3 stems of (clusters of) mini pink roses, put them in (the special crystal) vase & put them on the kitchen counter. H was in the house earlier in the eve. before they were there & now I don't expect that he'll be here. . . But then again, the kids were w/me when i bought them. The plan now is to buy a single rose sometime this wkend (w/o the kids) & follow that up w/a bouquet of roses some time soon thereafter. Maybe 'press' one. . . Roses are significant cuz H knows I don't really appreciate them, and would never buy them for myself. He'd always bought me irises (from our wedding) and stargazer lilies (cuz I said I liked them once) & that type thing. So, roses are on the list.

I'm also planning on re-doing my GALing to gear it towards More Mysterious (ie., neither H - NOR (blabbermouth) KIDS - know what I'm up to). I can do this. Think I'll gussy myself up Sat. night, get a bbysitter to come at 8:30 or so & either hang at Friend-A's house or go hit a movie - coming home some time after the kids are asleep. If I tease them enough by not saying where I'm going or w/whom, they will be sure to talk about it w/to/around H.

[stillme]

Oh, also wanted to say that, at C appointment today, C said the same thing: that all H's constant attention (even tho it is bad) is his need to keep his control over me, plus his not being able to fully let go. She asked if H knew where I'd gone last wk, and I said "Oh, sure. That was the first thing S told him when he came to pick them up that morning. "Mommy's going to the Bahamas." But he only said a casual, "Oh, really?" She said it would be interesting to know if he tried to get any other info out of the kids (not that it's hard at all!). If he had, he would have learned only that I flew in someone's private plane and that there were 4 people (a 4-seater) and one was a man/pilot and one was Friend-A (who H knows as a Single Hot Chick). He doesn't know (cuz kids don't know) who the 4th person was. And I have not even shown my photos to the kids, so they won't see it was Friend-P (girl) & 'leak' the info. C said that H's anger (about me having kids stay w/my BFF instead of him - esp since he SHOULD HAVE been happy not having the kids while his GF was visiting for those same days) was directly related to his anger/loss of control/fear stemming from my trip w/unknown or possible Interest-Man.

So that's why I started working the "get him thinking" plan yest. . .

[Nomopo]

Hi Still. I'm here. Finishing the journal entry from hell.

I still say you let me send you flowers - thinking roses, and whatever H use to send you too.

Nomo

[stillme]

Lyrael, thanks for the great input. Let me see if I can go back & answer some of the points.

You said:

I get so many different things from his choice of apartment location. He's kept a place in your house by keeping his manstuff in the garage, but whether this is because he wants to continue to assert his dominance over you, or because he isn't sure that he definitely wants this...Because he has control issues, it's hard to say whether him stopping by is a positive, or just him keeping watch over his territory.

You're good. C says (and I've always thought this in the back of my mind) that it's H's control/dominance issues, H's fear (She used the word "very frightened" after speaking w/him for 4 min. alone when he met her the day of the kids' first session) of what he was doing. Also, his apt (& our house) is w/i walking distance to the kids' school & H had been walking the kids to school in the mornings. Those are the newest apts in the town (I think), plus I don't think he could have gone very much further away from the kids/house/me(?) than that.

About the frequent stopping by/phone calls, etc.:

I think this is either him wanting you in some way in his life, or him checking up on you - he strikes me as being a little insecure in some ways? Let me know if that's off the mark.

Yep, I think so too. He wants me somehow/someway, plus he's checking up on me but a big YES!!! He IS insecure! I never realized it until post-Bomb (during the week of Good Talks), but he's totally insecure. Has no reason to be (tall, dark, handsome, charming, intelligent, friendly -- well, the OLD H was anyway), but he sees himself as (how did he put it?) "L's skinny little brother who ran his mouth & then had to have his brother fight his battles for him" When he said that, and cried!, I said that's not how the rest of the world sees him, and maybe it would help if he talked to someone about it. He said "Yes, maybe so." (And I thought: Oh, so you'd talk to a C ABOUT YOURSELF but never about saving your M?! Self-centered. . .)

About the frequent non-issue calls:

This sounds like he just wants an excuse to hear your voice, but he is too stubborn to admit it, possibly even to himself.

Maybe the voice thing; definately stubborn. But above all, the man LOVED being M'd! He NEEDS a family to belong to. He NEEDED the coming-Home-to-his-loved-one(s) feeling. I always knew this & he always admitted it. It was a fact. He'd say, "I never want to be single. I don't want to date around. I want to know there's one person who is my home." (or something like that) Sheet, NOW I remember this stuff!

About being behind closed doors when/if he comes over:

It will be interesting to see how he reacts to this. Are you planning on doing this so he doesn't have the chance to spew ugly things, or do you just want to see what he does?

Sev. diff. reasons - all w/the same goal. (1) so he cannot be ugly/disrespectful to me; (2) so he "gets" that I'm following thru on my "threat" to not talk to him, he can vm or email me if he needs to, and that I was serious when I said he disgusted me (about his behavior w/GF in front of the kids) - In effect, totally dropping the rope on any 'wanting him back' idea he may hae; and (3) setting up the Mysterious-ness. There was 1 time I took a phone call into the bathroom (my dr.) while he was in the kitchen, but otherwise, he is privy to everything in my life (either thru the kids or listening/seeing himself). I'm going to be taking my phone into my bedroom if/when he's over. . .

C says today I need to set boundaries (She's said this before & I've been reluctant to make him angry. Lotta good that did me, huh? Only got me more disrespected.) She said it was good that I told him not to call me - but I need to keep my word. (Like only threatening kids w/punishment. They'll quickly learn if/how far they can push.) Also told him not to come by unless he had to (boat, lawn, kids), and certainly not unannounced. He DID call yest. morning (presumably to tell me he was on his way) but he did it when he KNEW I was going to be out of the house! He did it again that eve. when he brought the boat back JUST MINUTES AFTER I'd left the house w/the kids for jj class - and he didn't call beforehand, but told me "after the fact" at the studio. C said he was 'pushing' my resolve. Child.

Man, this is getting loooonnnnggg, but I SO apreciate the input & the getting-me-thinking stuff. Keep it coming!

[chicki]

Still,
I dont know if I have told you this before,but your H sounds like mine w/ the controlling & insecurity issues though mr macho himself will never admit to any of it.

[stillme]

Sunny, I already told H I was going to "be away" the week his mom visits (July18-26); that the kids can reach me on my cell, and I'll be calling them; and that no one should be in my house while I was gone. He only responded, "So you don't want to see my mom while she's here?" and I said "I didn't say I didn't want to see her; I said I wasn't going to be here!" I fully expect that they'll be here, tho. As H has admitted, "The kids don't like my apt b/c there's nothing to do, no toys and no cable on the t.v." Uh, so GET some toys, dude! I even offered to have the kids pick 1/2 their room-fulls to take to his place (This was at the beginning of the Move-Out time.) There's no way I can prevent him from coming to the house (or his mom/kids for that matter) & I haven't decided what to do about it yet.

But as for "presenting" the trip to H....? He can/will jump to the AFFAIR reason unless I lay some heavy groundwork. So I'll tell the kids I'm visiting a girlfriend I met on the computer (We just had this convo last night when S said I was on the computer 'all the time', and I said that I talked to people on the computer who are having a hard time & trying to figure things out, just like me.) I DON'T want to make this trip about a new (dating/affair) R, and can only believe nothing good can come of it. There'll be a time & place for the mysterious/interest in/from Someone Else, but this is not it.

[SuperDad]

Still,
Glad you got your groove back.

Just one question: Why are you focusing on him RE: your trip? (or at all!) Focus on you, your kids, and your goals.

SD

[ItsKat]

Hey, Still
Got your e-mail. Looks like I could benefit from SD's question/advice myself.

[oldtimer]

If you want H to know your plans, is there some reason you can't tell him directly? Using the kids to manage your indirect communication with H is, well, a bit disturbing...

[Nomopo]

If you want H to know your plans, is there some reason you can't tell him directly? Using the kids to manage your indirect communication with H is, well, a bit disturbing...

Maybe I'm confused, but I thought the point was that Still doesn't want her H to know her plans, and the kids are sharing too much information.