Gone Dancin's Dilemma, 2

[NikB]

GD - thanks for your post to me! I thought you'd changed names but wasn't sure what your new one was, so glad you posted and I could find ya.

WOW, what a difference since I last caught up on you. You sound so great!! I'm really happy for you.

I know it's a risk, but I agree it may be time for it. Try to keep your expectations at rock bottom so you don't get hurt - but I hope it goes well.

I've been thinking about calling the DB coaches too, good to know how it's been helpful for you.

[Gone Dancin']

Thanks Nikki!

I'm doing much better, but can't really say the same for my M. D4 told me last night that mommy told her that OM's house is mommy's house too. It hurts so bad to hear it, and makes me feel like I'm just setting the two of them up to have a comfortable life together without any financial stress. I'm beginning to feel like I have been a doormat again.

GD

[Not Much Left]

Nikki
FWIW, I had 3 counseling sessions w/ DB coaches. It went well, I was in heavy crisis mode so I wish I had been here for a bit first then done it, I say go for it.

[C_K]

GD

That kind of sucks about D talking about OM's house, I feel for you.
I guess one thing will be that R will get very real very quickly , and what I mean is the day to day stuff will get involved with the R , they will get grumpy and they will fight etc.
If you realy want your W back ( given the age of your kids this is still an admirable and achievable goal ) you need to become the OM in thier R. From what you have learned via DB'ing and by keep interactions with your W as positive as you can you will start attracting your W back slowly.

Picture this , She gets up , OM has left his socks on the floor and the bathrooms a mess , hes not looking so great and then goes and stinks up the bathroom , theres dishes in the sink but he just sits and reads a paper , unshaven and unshowered. then she comes around to pick up the kids and GD's house is tidy , GD's looking a million bucks is all smiles and helpfull , compliments her on how good shes looking , then excuses himself because he has a big day of fun planned.

OK this is all made up but Get the picture ?

Dave

[Gone Dancin']

That kind of sucks about D talking about OM's house, I feel for you.
I guess one thing will be that R will get very real very quickly , and what I mean is the day to day stuff will get involved with the R , they will get grumpy and they will fight etc.

Dave,

I hear what you're saying here, but I get this funny feeling that OM is privy to how to make this R last and make W happy. Call me crazy (because he is just getting through his own D), but I have a feeling he has somethings figured out, and the fact that he is 38 and out of shape vs. my W who is 26 and great looking, tells me that he knows he needs to do EVERYTHING right ALL the time if he wants to keep her. This is my worst fear about their R -- that he isn't ignorant to what HE needs to do.

Now, I do get your point about being the OM in their R, and I agree that this is what I need to do (and believe me, I've been doing it!), but with all of my control, anger, and criticism over the last 6 -7 years (aside from the times when she was pregnant -- I was H and parent of the year during these times!) I believe that it will take quite a bit longer for her to believe that I'm a changed person for the better and for the long haul. I just don't think she believes it, and likely thinks it's just a short term ploy to get her back, and that I will revert back to my old ways soon enough.

But, I will make the changes permanent because I will turn them from habitual to natural the longer I practice them.

I MIGHT NOT BUST THIS D, BUT I WILL GET MY W BACK WITH A BRAND NEW MARRIAGE WITH A CLEAN SLATE! I WILL SUCCEED (despite my current sitch and my pessimism to it!)!

Thanks Dave -- I needed that visual for a PMA boost! You rock!

GD

[C_K]

GD GD !

OM's going through his own D , so what part of knowing how to maintain a relationship do you think he knows ???

Hes as screwed up as your W right now , yes sure hes on his best behaviour for now but him making changes for your W is way different that making changes for himself.

You see you are going through a D but you dont have the distraction of an OW so you are working hard on yourself , for yourself , making lifelong changes. OM is just behaving well right now , I guarantee he has made no real changes and this will show soon enough.

Dave

[SunnySeason]

Picture this , She gets up , OM has left his socks on the floor and the bathrooms a mess , hes not looking so great and then goes and stinks up the bathroom , theres dishes in the sink but he just sits and reads a paper , unshaven and unshowered. then she comes around to pick up the kids and GD's house is tidy , GD's looking a million bucks is all smiles and helpfull , compliments her on how good shes looking , then excuses himself because he has a big day of fun planned

OMG Dave! This had me crying

GD, he's right you know, how many of us who have gone lickedy split into another R, especially a marriage, and have not just dragged our baggage to the next R to work out there? He's no exception I'm betting.

Sunny

A little more Mr. Potato Head & out the door. Looking forward to more from you guys, seems that GD is being super propelled by the best

[Gone Dancin']

Thanks Dave and Sunny! You guys are just awesome!!!

Dave,

OM's going through his own D , so what part of knowing how to maintain a relationship do you think he knows ???

I've thought about that too (which is why I mentioned it in my last post), but he may very well have been the LBS -- I don't know about his sitch at all. He is older and therefore maybe wiser in what he needs to do to make an R work, esp now that he has just finished with an apparently poor one. That is my concern, but you and sunny do make excellent points, and I guess it is just my defeatist attitude getting in the way of my PMA.

Hes as screwed up as your W right now , yes sure hes on his best behaviour for now but him making changes for your W is way different that making changes for himself.

I hope the best behavior is temporary, but like I said -- he may be motivated to stick with what he knows works to keep my W interested and with him because of how young, beautiful, and intelligent she is. She is way better than he is and he is not deserving of her IMO. Again, I no I shouldn't fear this kind of stuff, but it creeps in from time to time.

OM is just behaving well right now , I guarantee he has made no real changes and this will show soon enough.

Again, I hope you're right. And I agree that the living everyday together will eventually make things not so glamourous.

sunny,

GD, he's right you know, how many of us who have gone lickedy split into another R, especially a marriage, and have not just dragged our baggage to the next R to work out there? He's no exception I'm betting.

Thanks for the reinforcement here. I hope he's no exception. Plus, I know that W hasn't really worked on herself either, so she will be bringing her short comings (and she does have them) into the R as well. Hopefully, in due time OM won't be willing to deal with and work on them with her like I am (or at least not work on them in a productive manner).

A little more Mr. Potato Head & out the door.

I'm so lame... Does this mean you've gotta make up your face and head out for something? Never heard this before, so please forgive my ignorance (again).

GD

[Gone Dancin']

Gotta cook dinner for the kids, then take them to the IL's so I can go to my dance performance team practice -- be back later tonight!

GD

[C_K]

He is older and therefore maybe wiser in what he needs to do to make an R work

I love this ! I guess that makes me very wise at 47 , I assure you I am not .LOL

Dave