Character, Faith, and Patience IIII (I think!)

[catfan]

I have forgiven myself to a point. I haven't forgotten because I want to remember the pain. I want to remember the hurt so I NEVER repeat it. I know it's not in line with true forgiveness, but I can't forget yet. And my memory is weak right now, so I need the reminders.

I believe the things I've told you CatFan, I really do. I just didn't expect to hear such harsh words yesterday. It really threw me off, and I was shocked to hear that she still thinks we're in competition for our marriage AND I was shocked to hear her deny things she had said. She's also denying EVER waivering from her desire to divorce, which I know for a fact is not true, so does the Pastor, so does SHE, so do several of her friends. I am just in a bit of shock.

I know you go through major pullbacks quite a bit with your wife, and I've experienced a major one. I even told Jeff, I know a little how you feel now with this one. It was a major jolt to the system.

Then to hear that she is bad-mouthing me to strangers (more or less) that she knows I'll run into, is very hurtful too. I know she wants to hurt me to get me back for the years of pain she felt, so I'll take it while she wants to give it and hope she changes her mind at some point.

Yes it is all a serious shock to the system. But now you know it can and will happen and you'll be able to deal with it in the future. Well, deal with it as best you can. This is where I know I still need to do more work and now you do to. Controlling our emotional reactions to our wives actions and words. We can't allow them that control over us. We have to rein in our own emotions and get control of them because our wives know they control them right now.

Now the next thing to bring up, the saying "believe nothing that they say and only half of what they do." In your case I suspect this really is true because she's lashing out. Remember the lashing is all that pent up anger talking and probably not her truly deepest feelings. For me it looks like I can believe half or three quarters on both points. But I know she's hiding some things and not exactly lying about them but not telling the whole story either.

Lastly we both have the same fear about separation, we fear it is only strengthening their commitment to walking away. Man it sure feels that way doesn't it!

So what can we do? Keep DBing, be kind, considerate, confident and lovingly detached. In other words show them the new Catfan and JR2007. Hopefully they will then look and say that's the man I want, that's the man for me, that's the man I always saw in him. If not, well we will know we looked in at ourselves and made the changes to be better men. Then maybe someday someone else will enter our lives and realize what our wives failed to see.