Character, Faith, and Patience IIII (I think!)

[JR2007]

Yeah, that's the bottom line from this episode is I was just so shocked to get such a harsh pullback. It didn't feel like there was that much to pull back from but she definitely did.

I'm back in the saddle, I just have a hard time after these meetings with her. Especially yesterday when there was no positive reaction at all and in fact denial of any positive actions previously.

I know I'm not giving up until we've tried everything. We have not tried everything, in fact, I'd say we've tried nothing - so there is a lot to do.

I fear that her knowing I'm here fighting for her makes me look weak though and makes her feel like she can walk all over me. I have to be careful with that. Also, I've kind of realized that this forced darkness I've been in hasn't helped and here's why - she doesn't see it as ME doing anything to give her space. She sees it as her TAKING her space and forcing me away - see the difference between that and volunraty darkness? I'm not getting any credit for giving her space. Even though I allowed her to keep it in place for 90 extra days, I get no credit. So that's tough.

Anyway, I know what I have to do, and I'm doing it. I'm back and I'm feeling good again. Thanks guys!!!

[789]

Your sounding great JR. Keep in that saddle, she will eventually let that guard down to see that you are changing and changing for the better.

I know what you mean by fearing that fighting for your marriage makes you appear weak, I feel like that also. It is strange that when you fight for your family, a lot of people think it is just because you are insecure or week, when that is actually far from the truth.

[JR2007]

Your sounding great JR. Keep in that saddle, she will eventually let that guard down to see that you are changing and changing for the better.

I know what you mean by fearing that fighting for your marriage makes you appear weak, I feel like that also. It is strange that when you fight for your family, a lot of people think it is just because you are insecure or week, when that is actually far from the truth.

Isn't that ironic? That is a sad statement about our society that the family is seen as a sign of weakness. And it is far from the truth. If I was insecure about myself, if I was being selfish and clingy or needy - I would be freaking out, it would be ALL about me, it would be ALL about taking ME back, it would be all about what SHE is doing wrong. My take is on saving my family because it is VALUABLE. It is worth saving. If this was all about me, I'd just say screw her, and move on to the next woman - wouldn't I? of course I would. I wouldn't be taking responsibility for my short-comings, I wouldn't be working hard to learn patience and understanding, I wouldn't be working to improve myself, I'd be DONE! And I'd blame her for everything BAD that has gone down in the last few months.

I'm not blaming her, I respect her.
I'm not saying screw her, I'm saying we are worth saving.
I'm not giving up, I'm improving myself to be the best man I can be so she can learn to trust me again.
I'm thinking about her and our son, I come in as well, but it's about US not me.

Here's a great little thought I received in e-mail today:

Focus on WHAT is right, not WHO is right. You're partners, and supposed to be a team, so the important thing is not to win an argument (competitive), but to score a win for the team in the situation (cooperative), is it not?

This is where I am and where I'd like to see my wife go. we can work this out as a team, for the good of our family. I don't have to be right, she doesn't have to be right, we just need to DO what is RIGHT. If it's right for us to stay together, we do so. If it's right for us to separate permanantly, we do it. but we figure it out together. Doing this alone is just going to lead to bitterness, regret, and anger. That's no good for anyone.

[789]

Your post has a lot of truth to it. Funny that this is the way the world thinks, most just say just that, move on and find another women. Todays everyone thinks you are suppose to be single or divorced, the other day I picked up some paperwork for my sons school for next year. You know what, they don't have a spot to fill out for "parents" address and such, they have two spots, Mother/Guardian and then farther down Father/Guardian. It just struck me as odd that they didn't have a third actually on top saying "Parents". That is just the way it is now days.

I agree with your list of 4 "I'm" statements, I agree with everyone one of them. My biggest problem is I have not forgiven myself for all that has happened. I know it was my drinking problem and I should have taken care of it long ago, for that I have not been able to forgive myself and what I put her and my sons thru.

Think my wife thinks the same as yours, stay married I win, divorce she wins, not about what needs or should happen, just a line drawn and not budging, at least not yet.

My short term goal is not to remained married, my short term goal is for her to put forth some sort of effort and attempt to see if it is something to work on and not just let it sit how it is, I realize that could be some time. I just want the chance to see and not just let it be done.