One Wish...oh my!! what a seesaw and roller coaster you are on...you need to seize the control of the situation back into your side of things because between you and your W, you are the only one who is displaying rationality in your communication with each other...for those of you who don't know me, I am extremely blessed and fortunate to have had a humbling experience and by relying on spiritual means along with DBing and another valued advisor I was able to pull my marriage together early last year...my last thread is archived and is found at the following link and once you go to that link I think my thread previous to that is accessible from there also...I am not saying I am the model for what should be done in every situation because every situation is unique but maybe there is something in there someone can use...
One Wish is a dear friend who I last talked to about a year ago when it seemed he had pulled his M from the depths of D but I was saddenned to hear from him earlier this week about his latest setback...
First, I think One Wish has been way too accessible to his W and has engaged her in way too many half hour phone calls that she initiated...you need to go as dark as you can...I think your wife uses your daughter to have accessibility to you and it is unfortunate the way your little one is getting dragged into this...for your D's sake at the very least, go dark and dont be so chatty and easy to talk to when it comes to your W...when it is your time for your D, pick her up and leave...dont stick around and engage your wife in her latest musings of the day...keep it to a very minimum for now...I say this because I agree with you that your W is not ready to let go...I think she is in some ways immature and I mean this with no disrespect because I know from all the time we have spent talking about our situations that she is the woman you love...I know your wife is certainly a wonderful person because I know the depth of your love for her has virtually no bounds and your display of this by your loyalty is something anyone who has their values in order can admire without reservation...conversely, I know your love for her makes it hard to go dark with any degree of effectiveness...to what extent have you gone dark in the past and if you have what were the results?
My situation was a little different...the children in our lives were my W's and they were in their teens so visitation was not really something which was necessary...I became the King of Darkness...I think for one stretch of time, I neither saw nor heard from my W for about a month and this stretch of time included the Holiday Season into the New Year which has to be the hardest time for any feeling human being to be dark...when my W finally came out and contacted me I was not very prompt in getting back to her...and it turns when she did finally contact me, it was to ask for a D so I did, I think it is called in DB terms, the Last Resort tactic...I did this in combination with a tactic that is even more drastic and I know the folks here at DB do not really advocate but I felt it was the last shot and the biggest gamble of my life but I wasnt going to be regretful that I didnt try everything I could...I also cannot minimize what my Faith in God meant to me through that time...without my Faith in the Almighty I probably would have gone stark raving crazy and be dead for a multitude of reasons...I know One Wish has a strong spirituality when we last spoke last year and I am confident that continues to be so...
I dont think his situation is as drastic as mine and I dont think he has to resort to the "off the chart" maneuvers that I felt I was pressed to try but he definitely needs to go dark...you W definitely wants to try and work things out but she is obviously very scared...my notion is that she is scared not just from any hurt One Wish has caused but also maybe part of her immaturity (no disrespect to her!!) resulting in an overreaction on her part...I say this because it appears her unwillingness to look at herself and even her denial to acknowledge their might be issues with her is so far from being honest with herself that it is far from a realistic approach that a normal adult would take...I think she may have even cut off Retrouvaille the way she did because it was too hard for her to look at herself...there is something there within her which is preventing her from looking at herself deeply and honestly and it needs to be eradicated, exorcised or whatever from her!! She needs a jolt to her system and maybe going dark is what will trigger this from happenning...what else do you have to lose at this point...it might make her more jealous but you can count on her eventually sticking her nose in your business and wanting to be involved...as long as you engage her readily at her time at her disposal in communication you are giving her the power and things will remain status quo, i.e., a rollercoaster whipsaw that you will wish would stop...you have to subtly continue to manipulate her in a loving but firm way and sometimes that means cutting her off...when you go to pick up your D do it briefly with no more than the required pleasantries and chat about the where and whens regarding your D pick up and drop off...that is it!!! You will look your best and appear as happy as a pig in you know what and leave it at that...I also think this would be beneficial for your own self worth and avoiding feeling like a doormat that you mentioned...I know exactly what you are talking about because I was feeling the same way before I decided to go dark...you have a sense that your life is not your own and you are being spun by like a puppet without any control over your own being...this could never be a productive state for a human being to be in...at the very least you have to be in control of YOU before you can conduct the rest of your life in a healthy way...capece??
If you want to have some positive movement on this matter you have to have the power and if you have to seize the power then so be it...as long as your cause is noble and honorable you should stay the course and call the shots...no one should take this as sexist or any other ulterior motive or agenda because if a given situation had the woman as the rational one then I would say she would need to seize control of the situation...I dont think it would serve anyone for this comment to be denigrated into a gender discussion...the fact is that One Wish is much more saner and healthy than his wife and his only desire is to get his life back as a family to raise his D in a healthy and happy home...if that isnt a cause worth seizing then please tell me what is?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hope I have been of some help...I dearly hope everyone has a resolution to their situations as soon as possible that best results in their long term happiness...God Bless!!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads...=5&o=31&fpart=1
