I think you're on the right track, Aud. I don't know how else you can handle it. I think it pointless bringing up OW, and whether he's in contact with her/them. He certainly does need to dig deeper than just "I care about you, so I'll stick around". He is a father, and needs to work on taking care of the things that make his children safe and secure, and that includes being faithful to his M, and his church, IMHO.
I guess you said it right when you said to expect the best, but prepare for the worst, especially since he's been a somewhat serial cheater. I do wish he would go see the church leaders, but maybe he's not in the right place, spiritually. So, patience is the key here, and I think you have loads of that. And, just enjoying having your family together.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks BeingMe. I agree that it's pointless to bring up OW, and I'm so with you on the need for him to be faithful to our M and church. You are exactly correct that he's not in the right place spiritually...he seems to enjoy the 'freedom' of living just a little off the straight and narrow, KWIM? The only solution I've come up with for now is to love him and pray for both of us.
Yes I do miss the good old days when church leaders were not afraid to call you to the carpet, but in a way that you felt it was you making the decision to turn things around. Perhaps it isn't time for that yet. I think when it is the right time, it will happen. Part of the reason I think things have gone as well as they have for me is the fact that most changes have been W choice, I have just shown support. I hope my patience holds out.
Yeah, I think you need to get away from the OW check, that's only going to keep the wound open for both of you. Plus that doesn't build much of a trusting relationship, he will question if you will ever trust him. I try to rely more on the HS.
It's been a wierd sitch with H and church...I've felt very strongly that there is a reason for the delay, and like everything else in this entire experience, I realize it's not MY timeline. I much prefer it all to be H's choice, not something he does because he feels forced.
I don't really pester him much on the OW check (maybe once a week)...and I will stop. Just don't want to be an ostrich with my head in the sand, you know?
Oh, I understand exactly where you are coming from, Aud. After two years since my H and I started reconciling, I still occasionally ask him if he is still in contact with OW (deep down, I really do wonder). He says he's not, so we'll see.
At this point, I feel I am going to give my H space, and the chance to sort out his job sitch, and the stress all that comes from. I think if he is still in contact with OW, that knowledge will come to me somehow, like it did the first time (by pure chance ... think HF had a hand, or my guardian angels).
I think the best thing, still, is to pray for your M, pray for your H, pray for clarity and truth and patience and love. What more can we truly do?
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Wow BeingMe--I have many of the same thoughts. Most of what I know about OW has dropped in my lap as well, and I have no doubt that if there is information vital to the survival of my family it will be made known.
I guess that's what gives me the strength to forge on in my current direction--I strongly believe that if I start out on the wrong path I'll know pretty quickly if a change is needed.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so much frustration in your sitch. I think that's been the hardest thing to accept for me: that I truly have zero control over H's choices. Especially when those choices affect our little children so profoundly. As well as the fact that his choices have involved actions I could/would NEVER make myself. But I am finding that when I take a deep breath, take my hands off the sitch, and turn it over to God, things have a way of working out. Just have to make it through the scary parts. Good things are coming for you.
Aud, Just a thought as I was meandering by your thread...on the subject matter of lingering thoughts. You know I had a little "EA" while my W was doing absoluting nothing on "piecing" our M a while back. Since then I have had no contact with OW...absolutely no contact and yet every other day she is sure I have. Even to this day when I go to my AA meetings she is sure I am actually going to her house instead. The reason I bring this up is that NO...There is nothing we can do with our spouses thoughts or actions for that matter. I really believe in my gut reactions to a lot of things but with my sitch I also am understanding that the mind can create a lot of scenerios that dont exist...Sometimes insecurity tries to play itself as REALITY.. We cant control what our Spouse is doing or thinking and isnt that what Db'ing is about anyway. I have thought about OW from time to time and really do treasure the times I spent with her but I also realize I am in a better place now...my family is intact (as fractured as it sometimes is). I love my W immensely and that was my whole goal and intention in the first place. So I guess what I am saying is that I am SURE they are thinking about OP from time to time but it doesnt necessary mean that they would leave at a moments notice...WHY? Because what you all offer is FAR, FAR more than the other person can add....and that is resolute fluid of family and security. I doubt any of this has made any sense because I have been courting my allergies for awhile but it is something I needed to get off my chest because of course this is referenced a lot around the boards. I just think they we often are creating battles that really dont exist except in our own minds... Anyway, thanks for letting me spew...Aud,Phoenix and Beingme...you all are really doing all you can and that's QUITE a bit! Give yourselfs a pat on the back...it's much deserved...peace
Thank you for the fresh perspective--what you say makes total sense. I completely understand why I have to let my fears go, and though I believe I am 90% there, that last 10% is a lot harder to drop than I thought it would be. I'm on it!
I like what you said about creating battles that don't exist outside our own minds...they're not worth the energy.
((Hugs)) to you Whapu--it's nice to have a big brother watching out for me.
I believe your very right whapu. The first time through this, pre DB, I learned that. However, comments made by W post bomb #2, indicated that she really didn't regret/repent fully of the first time "down this street". So in my mind I really wonder if that ever will go away. For my own sake and for the sake of my marriage I have to approach it as if it did go away.
Your words were extremely helpful, especially the words of fluidity and family. Those words where also expressed to W by a family friend, who has learned/experience D a couple of times. She re-enforced that no one will treat my kids as well as I do, with as much devotion or effort. So no matter how much she says she loves kids, if she were to D me, she would ruin their lives. That must have been a hard pill to swallow, W prides herself on being a good Mom. What is sad/amazing is that friends life is a very good example of please learn from my mistakes. Although she is moving towards a much better life, THE OLD LUGGAGE DOES NOT GO AWAY, EVER.
Sometimes life is the best teacher. Thanks again for your words, I'm going think quite a bit about them and see if I can follow their recommendations. I'm starting to feel an easier feeling in my M, but it seems to happen better when I do as you have mentioned.
