Thanks for the prod. Sigh. I think I'm falling into complacency. I'm really enjoying the feeling of having my family back together again--like you, we're spending a lot more time together, and it's such a relief to have some help with our little ones.
Last night, S3 took a tumble from a window in the front of our house...landed about 10 feet below in the window well of the basement. He climbed out and come to find me before I even knew what had happened. Poor little guy--we were lucky, he just has some scrapes and bruises and is pretty stiff and sore. Anyway, the point to sharing this is that H was here and took over so nicely, comforting him and helping examine him, then getting him into a warm bath and snuggling till he fell asleep. It felt so good to work together to take care of our son.
H seems to be open, we've had some mini R talks recently. They go something like this (in quiet, snuggly moments):
"So, are you happy/doing okay?" "Yah." "Are you?" "Yes."
Fabulous communication, no? The thing is, I am feeling happy and content overall. There are a few things that still worry/scare me.
H seems to think that I must ask specifically in order for him to feel the need to share any information regarding contact with OW. The question "did you talk to OW today?" can be answered "no" if there was email or text rather than talking over the phone. I guess I can change my questions to be more specific: "did you have any communication with OW today?". My reservations about pursuing this information: he can easily lie, and I do not want him to think that I'm obsessive about OW, because I'm really not. It's a trust issue, and seems like a catch-22, so my approach has been to just give it time and watch it closely. I have no idea how to stand up for my position that ALL CONTACT MUST END. I have said it's a non-negotiable for me...he tries to minimize it and make it my problem, because "there's nothing there now".
One thing H said when things came to a head: "It doesn't matter where I work or with whom I work--until I figure out how to handle myself differently, this situation can happen again." This is something I agree with--the problem isn't OW, it's him. I asked him last week if he'd figured out HOW he needed to handle himself differently, and after some thought, he said that "it's not really how I handle myself, it's that I needed to care about you again." What I got from that was that for him it was the attitude shift...he had to realize he was losing me to kick him back to caring about me. In reality, this scares me too, because true change needs to be much deeper than just caring about me: he needs to care about himself and his relationship with God. What happens when/if he decides he doesn't care about me again?
So there you have it. H is definitely plugged in. He's definitely not out screwing around. He could very easily be having contact with one or both OW via phone, email, text and lie about it--he's very good at that. He has not been to talk with our church leaders, after many attempts by them to reach out to him. He attends our main church meeting with me, but leaves while the kids and I go to our auxiliary meetings. He's warm and affectionate and complmentary and thoughtful.
So many positives, so many possibilities for relapse. For me, I guess that's where I just duck my head and expect the best but prepare for the worst. What do y'all think? Ideas? Comments?
