You are doing good by reading the books. Get Divorce Remedy too!
It's funny how we both have 10 years with our spouses, married for 8. And its during this time period in the R that one spouse breaks down...It's just too weird.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Thanks for all the insight!! Thank God for this friendly site.
Well I guess I shouldn't have skimmed the LRT chapter b/c I didn't really understand that it meant going dark. No need for that right now. It would be hard to do anyway b/c H and I talk or text about every other day.
I'm in Florida right now with my Mom for 2 weeks on vacation which is really nice b/c being in your hometown you kind of remember who you were before you got married. I kind of lost myself being married and really ended just being my H's spouse. I'm so used to being an "us" that I can't really remember me. What do I like to do? What is a perfect night out for me? Hobbies? I can't even answer basic questions about myself anymore. Being home reminds me of the carefree fun me, ny role as the peace keeper and entertainer in my family. It reminds me that I have a great support system and life just does not stop b/c/ you are having a hard time. My sister announced that she was pregnant and that was kind of hard b/c/ I'm obviously jealous. H and I were planning on a starting a family and now we are really far from that. But at least I get to be an Aunt again.
Okay..not done reading the books (I have both and am steadily making my way through)But here's my question for the day. I am seperated but H and I still talk a lot on the phone or texting. Not always about the relationship just about whatever. After reading that great success story by Tampa man (I think) it seems like I need to detach and GAL. GAL shouldn't be too hard b/c I am now living with one of my best friends and there's a whole group of us who like to go do stuff. I know I'm GAL for me but also it is good for H to know that I am out there having fun (not in a bad way of course) My question is how will he know that I am GAL? We obviously don't travel in the same circles anymore and I could be having the time of my life but he still may think I'm at home waiting for a phone call from him. Also should I stop answering the phone everytime he calls? I know he hasn't stopped living his life with his friends but he still always answers my calls (even if he is in a movie)so should I keep answering mine?
I am determined to be happy and not wallow!!! H and I were seperated before after one year of marraige and I was 22 and a complete wreck. I am almost 30 now and need to be way more mature about this. Time to grow up even if it is hard.
sol1696, Is it the 8 year itch??? This sucks!
delia, I don't actually consider myself a Texan yet. I've only lived there 4 years and I was born and raised in Florida so I'm really still a Floridian. But yee-haw to you anyway!!!
M:29 H:30 Married: 8 years (together 10) 6/14/07- Seperated
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
I like what you said "I carry myself in a manner that would beg the question,"Why in the hell is he leaving her?" I so don't understand the whole quote/ quick quote thing yet!! Anyway H's family really feels that way and all of our friends and family are on "our" side (staying together) which he perceives as they are on "my" side which makes him very resentful.
We were like the golden couple in our group of friends. Never argue, always having a good time, always having everyone over to our house, so no one really understands what is going on and everyone was pretty stunned to hear about it. Looking back now of course I realize we spent too much time with friends and not enough time just us working on the marraige. I always hated that phrase "working on a marraige" b/c/ I never knew what the hell anybody meant when they said that. I feel like I could write a book about it at this point.
M:29 H:30 Married: 8 years (together 10) 6/14/07- Seperated
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
Hi again! I'm trying to think of how to shorten your name. "Meg?" "Gator" kind of appeals to me--you being from Florida.
Been thinking about your phone call question. I think that, first off, you might want to slowly cut down on the number of calls you make to H. If he notices and mentions this, you should probably apologize and say that you got busy doing something.
Wait. Watch. See what happens. You don't want to cut off communication or make it less friendly. Try missing the occasional call from him. Call him back an hour or so later, and explain why you missed it. You got busy doing...something interesting. Act excited about the interesting thing you were doing. Obviously, this calls for a lot of sincere-sounding fibbing. You don't want to overdo it, and make it sound like you're playing games and trying to make him curious about your activities--although this is exactly what you are trying to do.
Every time you try something different, monitor the results. See how H reacts.
Right now, he probably thinks that he can have you as a friend should the marriage go south.
You may be Ok with that. But if you aren't, then you need to let him know that D means losing you.
You might want to post a bit here and there on other threads similar to yours: and that way, you'll end up with a variety of opinions.
My initials are JME and I went to UF (Go Gators!!) So that is where that comes from. My sister's name is Megan so that is kind of funny. You are right about the friend thing. He has said before if things don't work out between us that he couldn't imagine us not being friends. The fact that we are best friends is one of the reasons we are not divorced. I think he really feels like we still would be friends but I just refuse to give him that. It feels like I'm saying it is okay to divorce me and I'll still be your friend. I get a little worried sometimes too that GAL will let him know that I'm okay without him and I'll be just fine if he divorces me. I hope it has the opposite effect and attracts him but I guess you never really know how things are going to go do yo?
M:29 H:30 Married: 8 years (together 10) 6/14/07- Seperated
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
It sounds like he will miss you either way. There is still a lot of good stuff going on between you. My other book does warn about not spending enough time alone. The doctor states that we spend more time with other couples than we do alone. We save our best stories and jokes and outfits and dinners for other couples instead of each other. I had no idea until it was too late! Now, I tell all couples I know about Dr. Weiner and Dr. Kreidman and their books. Most of our couple friends look a lot worse than my H and me, too. Even out therapist said she usually does not see couples who are so amicable like us. Yeah, but they are still together and we are not, so what is the deal with ten years?
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Major similarities!! H and I extremely rarely if ever fight, always are concerned for the other, and get along so well. The problem has been w/in the last 2 years he has started to hang out with guy friends drinking more and more and that just isn't my scene. So distance grows. I allowed him to keep going out and never put up much of a fight b/c we just don't fight. Unfortunately avoiding that conflict really didn't do me much good. The space grows and here we are. If I could only get a re-do!!!
M:29 H:30 Married: 8 years (together 10) 6/14/07- Seperated
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
Major similarities!! H and I extremely rarely if ever fight, always are concerned for the other, and get along so well. The problem has been w/in the last 2 years he has started to hang out with guy friends drinking more and more and that just isn't my scene. So distance grows. I allowed him to keep going out and never put up much of a fight b/c we just don't fight. Unfortunately avoiding that conflict really didn't do me much good. The space grows and here we are. If I could only get a re-do!!!
M:29 H:30 Married: 8 years (together 10) 6/14/07- Seperated
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
It sounds like he will miss you either way. There is still a lot of good stuff going on between you. My other book does warn about not spending enough time alone. The doctor states that we spend more time with other couples than we do alone. We save our best stories and jokes and outfits and dinners for other couples instead of each other. I had no idea until it was too late! Now, I tell all couples I know about Dr. Weiner and Dr. Kreidman and their books. Most of our couple friends look a lot worse than my H and me, too. Even out therapist said she usually does not see couples who are so amicable like us. Yeah, but they are still together and we are not, so what is the deal with ten years?
We have the problem that I have been doing too much with my W and that she feels she has lost her independence. She feels compelled to ask me along even if she doesn't want me there.
Your point is well made, I have noticed I have far better and more natural (fun) interactions with my friends than just the two of us do right now. This is probably because I feel freer and find it easier to tell all these stupid stories than I do with my W. Like you both I still get on really well with my spouse, but she sees us as 'housemates' and doesn't seem to want to unpick that label and try to be anything else. Guess what ... been together 10 years too. She moves out tomorrow and I still love her like nothing else on earth.
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
