Sounds like the night went better than you expected. Hope your Mom's party is a a success. You are very prudent not letting this cat out of the bag with your family. It would probably make things very tense for your wife who already feels that maybe she should not attend. You are doing a great job at handling all this. Keep it up. Keep loving your wife and supporting her without pressure. If she is anything like me, confusion is just the start. Once she deals with any depression/mood disorders she will be able to think clearer. Hang in there Stew!
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
You betcha she is confused!! And thats the worst, because at any moment you know she could go either way. Thats why most people refer to this as a roller coaster ride, because thats really what its like! You just have to try and hang on as best you can and ride it out.
As far as how you are feeling, We all feel the same way about our spouse's, thats why we are here and fighting, we love them, and we want them. My H has asked me a couple of times why I stayed and why I love him so much, and I know for damn sure that if the roles were reversed he wouldn't have stuck it out like I did. But its our choice, and its what we want, so we fight! There is nothing wrong with that, you are doing what you think is right for you and thats all that matters. Don't worry about tomorrow, just be and let things be, and deal with tomorrow when its here.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
I wasn't quite sure how to handle leaving this morning. After the furniture was delivered, she went back into bed and I stayed in the living room. She came out and sat on the couch and was playing game on her cell phone. I sat there for a bit then went into the bedroom to read in the Bible. Shortly thereafter she came in and got back into bed and went to sleep. I asked her if it bothered her rest if I got on my laptop. She said that it would not. She fell asleep. I usually wake her up before I leave and just say goodbye. I wasn't sure what to do this morning so I just left her a note on the dining room table telling her to enjoy her day off-she took it off because she works evenings and my mother's dinner is tonight. I also wrote that I was thinking about coming to the condo for lunch but if she was going to be around, and wanted me to, that I would go out for lunch (already have an offer for lunch from a friend that has been very helpful throughout this process). I want her to feel like she is getting the space that she says she needs. Should I not have mentioned it? I doubt she will be around anyway.
Overall, I think yesterday/last night/this morning went well.
You handled that really well, and just keep doing what your doing. I hope that you have a nice time tonight at your Mum party, try and relax and just let things be. One thing I found out, is even if your family doesn't know whats going on, they can pick up on tension, so just try and relax and enjoy the night for what it is!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Well, it was a nice dinner with my family for mom's birthday. There is no way that anyone in my family picked up that we are having troubles. That is what makes this whole process so frustrating. We still get along. We are best friends. After dinner we all went back to the condo for cake and ice cream. Then we hung out and watched some TV and then my sister and brother in law left around 9. Then my parents and little sister left around 10. I wasn't sure what to expect from my W. As soon as my parents left she went onto the patio to use the phone. I laid down on the couch. She came back in and sat down and we watched TV. I fell asleep and she woke me up about midnight and asked if I was going to sleep out here or in the bedroom. I told her I was going to sleep in the bedroom. She said that she was going to sleep out there because she was going to stay at female friends' house "this week" but was tired. I said whatever, you want and got up and went to bed. When I woke up about 3, she was lying in bed, although I suspect it was because our cable box shut off- we have been having trouble with the one in the living room- and she needs to have a TV on to be able to sleep.
I left her this morning without saying goodbye and just left a note. Last night when my brother in law asked when we were going to move the rest of our things into the condo, she said that it was not much stuff, and went into the bedroom and told me that she really wanted to move our treadmill to the condo. I don't understand where she is coming from. I don't think I ever will. Two days before she was telling me that she needed to get away from me and that she couldn't live like this anymore, and since then, she has been doing the complete opposite-not that I am complaining but I feel like a yo-yo.
I really hope that she goes to see somebody soon. I talked to MIL this morning and MIL has been talking to her therapist about my wife, and her therapist is absolutely convinced that my W is depressed and needs to go see someone. I think I may ask her again if she has made any appointment to go see someone. If not, I received a couple of names of some local doctors. I think this may be the first step to getting her back and track, and then thereafter, getting us back on track.
Stew I am glad that the evening went well for you, it makes it easier for everyone when there is no tension. As far as your w, it wount hurt to suggest it, but don't push, because if this isn't something she wants to do then it wount help the way it should. So has to go because its what she wants. Until she gets her head on straight you are going to be living in this constant state of roller coaster! That why its important that you gal, and focus on you, because you can't control what she does, and she is going to bring you down with her, believe me I know! You are doing a great job!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
I hear you Limbo. And thanks for the encouragement. It is a difficult process. I am going to get over to your thread and check in with you, I feel like I have been pretty selfish the last few days, but it has just been such a whirlwind so I feel like I barely have any time to catch my breath.
I am not going to push her to go to C, I just want to help her if she hasn't found anyone. If she hasn't I am just going to say that I have a couple of names that were given to me from people that thought they could help the situation.
I have been thinking about a career change. I know this is not the best time to be making any major decisions, but I have realized that I chose the path I took to ensure that my W would always live a comfortable life and would be able to have just about anything that she wanted (within reason). Well, all the while I have been completely unhappy every day going to work. It does not make sense for me to continue doing this if there really is not a reason to. On top of this, the firm I am at recently went through a major split and some of the firm went separate ways. It just so happens that I was hired a few months after the split and they made a slight (understatement)miscalculation on how much work in my area of expertise that they would be retaining. Well, it turns out they have a lot less than they thought they would. Which makes billable hours very difficult. I just don't think that I should be making sacrifices for anyone but myself anymore. Normally, I would be talking to my W about this. I know that is not such a great idea. I just feel like I have nobody to talk to about this. I am sure if I was a little bit more busy (ok actually alot more busy) I would not be so unhappy with my work. But, I am not busy and I am unhappy with my work. What to do?
No problem, I think that we all get alittle selfish, especially when we are in the worst of it, its hard to see that anyone else is worse off then us! I understand what you are saying about the job, but its a hard call to make, maybe someone else can jump in on this one, because I am leaning towards you maybe talking to your wife about it, if you do want to get back together then it could still impact you both. Maybe don't approach it by asking her, but say this is what you are thinking of doing, and see what response you get. There maybe others who have a better suggestion on this.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
I was just reading over your thread and wanted to say that you ought to feel good about where your head is now versus where it was in early June.
Regarding your wife wanting an apt, while I'm with you in that I don't want my wife or I do physically separate (she says she's done, but we haven't discussed any alternate living arrangements) for the same reasons you mention (just their physical presence at a time like this is a gift of a sort), I can speak from experience that time apart can allow you to get your head on straight. I've just spend 6 of the last 7 weeks in Louisiana (3 weeks planned -- kids with grandparents; 3 unplanned -- help my brother move). It allowed me to detach in a way that I wasn't when around my W daily. It's terrible wanting to be close to someone you're crazy in love with that wants out of the relationship. Sometimes some distance isn't bad.
Maybe the two of you could arrange your schedules so that you're de facto separated, but living in the same condo -- just not at the same time? With occassional nights with friends when you're both off at the same time? I know you're worried about an A. My W had one with a co-worker as well. At some point you have to decide to trust them. Otherwise, you'll just tear yourself up thinking about it. And, practically, I hate to say this, but if someone wants to have an A, they will.
Hang in there,
H
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Thanks for checking in Heimlich. I do feel like I am better equipped now to handle this situation, but it certainly doesn't dull the pain.
I went home again today for lunch and she was there. We had normal light hearted conversation. As I was leaving she gave me a hug. I couldn't resist, I asked her what her plans were for tonight. She told me that she would be sleeping "out" tonight and that tomorrow, she would be driving to her father's in Newbury, MA after work. She gets off of work at midnight and her father lives over 4 hours away. She is going to take Monday off of work and so I probably will not see her until Wednesday of next week. It is not going to be a good 7 days for me. I really hope her father is giving her good advice. I am just weary, because my W does not want to even talk to anyone who does not agree with her viewpoint that she needs time away- she won't talk to her mother, brother, sister in law, uncle, aunt, or grandmother- but she is anxious to drive over 4 hours to see her dad, who left his wife of 25 years for another woman and when he did, my W scorned him for it and swore that he ruined all of their lives. I am afraid that he is using this opportunity to try and get back in W's good graces by saying "see I am not such a bad guy, it can happen to anyone, sometimes you just fall out of love, you are so smart for acting on it early, I waited way too long to get out of relationship that I did not want to be in etc...." That is definitely something that my wife will respond to.
I am just speculating here, because that is all I can do. There is really no meaningful conversation between my W and I. Her dad was here on Wednesday. She did not say one word about what they talked about. I suspect because she knows I would not want to hear what he says and can probably see right through his manipulative motive in this situation.
The problem I anticipate this weekend is that my best friend whom I had been leaning on very heavily throughout all of this is now in England for the next month. My family is going on vacation. All of my other buddies are going to be in Chicago for a bachelor party or Vegas for another bachelor party. I chose not to go to either for two reasons. One, they were the same weekend so it was going to be tough to choose which to go to, but the main reason why is that weekends are the only time my W and I can spend any time together. So, I decided that I would skip the BP's so we can spend some time together. Now, she isn't even going to be here and I am going to be all alone with no one to distract me (literally, between the two bachelor parties, there is 20-25 of my closer friends will be across the country). And we said we would watch my parent's dog while they are gone, so I am tied to the immediate area.
