When's it my turn?

[SDFoundGirl]

There won't be a problem once you exorcise them. What do you think you need in order to accomplish that? What will be a sign that you've done that?

Hmm...good question. I actually have a friend who's running this journaling for growth class that I'm taking, and she's giving me some strategies. One thing is just calling it what it is: OVER. Out of my control. Attachment. LW only has the power I give her...and the truth is, because of what I've learned and the direction my M is going in, I'm THANKFUL for last summer. I want to stop looking back, stop worrying about the future, and just concentrate on the here and now.

I guess a sign that I've done that is waking up and realizing one day that I haven't thought about her or last summer for a while. Hearing her name or hearing H talk about work and not having my stomach clench anticipating hearing her name. Being okay with going to work functions with H. Seeing only H and only her, not these huge stories I've created in my mind. Being, not acting with last summer in mind.

Adding: What IS your security blanket?

Last summer and LW are. Why? Because if it all goes to hell, I get to be the "good guy." I've done everything I should, and H is the screw up. I win, I'm right. It's an excuse not to go "all in" in my relationship...I can justify holding back and not risking b/c H hurt me and might again.

All false, really. I'm creating my reality with these thoughts, and I'm keeping myself from what I want most.

And so, guess what? I decided to Act As If. Act as if last summer didn't happen. I'm also taking Gandhi's advice to "Be the change you wish to see in the world." I want more affection, so I'm showing more affection. I want more ILYs, I'm saying more. I want to have fun, I'm making plans.

I'm taking control of me and my life back.

I'm taking my attention off of H as well as my expectation for him to make me happy. THAT'S what I've been doing.

I have to remember that detaching is as important post-DB as during. It's forever. I and only I can make me happy.

So I'm gonna. 'Cause this other stuff sucks..

SD