The Plank is out of my eyes, but too late for WAW?

[Heimlich]

I tend to ramble, so apologies in advance.

My wife and I met in college. I was 19, she was 18. We talked at a party and then two weeks later met at an on-campus concert, sat together, talked for hours after, and became inseparable. We must've put in a year's worth of dating in 5 weeks (the joys of on campus living, eh?). At any rate, we were young, but very much a good couple. We talked, we always enjoyed doing things together, did the little things for each other, etc. All the relationship stuff you're supposed to do, in many ways we did intuitively from the beginning (not that we didn't each make mistakes) and kept doing until about 4 years ago.

So much for preamble. Skipping ahead to the worst night of my life last October. My wife told me she had an affair (began as an EA in May of last year on a business trip) with a co-worker. And, the nice touch, she volunteered that she initiated it and that they had sex in our bed. I was crushed. Numbed. Humiliated. Angry (more on the anger below). I knew of the friendship with this guy. However, silly me, I trusted my wife and was happy that she had a friend. After all, I have female friends and it would've been a little hypocritcal to be jealous. Plus, I thought she loved me. Our relationship had had a few dips, but had seemed to be improving in spring/summer last year. In reality, it was blowback from her affair.

To my regret, I snapped and assaulted her. Not hitting her, but I was going to have sex with her whether she wanted to or not -- in the back of my mind I think I wanted to make her feel as worthless as I felt at that time (not my best moment). Fortunately, I came to my senses (I think I literally went crazy for about a minute) and went downstairs. I remember walking back to the stairs leading to our bedroom and looking at the front door. I decided that I'd be happier with her than without her, a decision that hasn't changed.

So, much to my surprise, I realized that I love her still and want to stay with her. We talked alot that night and actually ended up having sex, which I still don't understand. The first time was like a dog marking his territory. The second was, on my part, out of love and wanting to show her that (one problem, I've tended to equate sex with emotional intimacy over the years). So, we talked, said things like, "we've been drifting apart" and "this may bring us closer together." W ended the A the next morning. Showed me the email to and from OM.

OK. So now we're trying to put this back together. She has always been resistant to reading or getting help online. I thought counceling would push us further apart, I had a bad experience earlier. I bought one of the books by the Gottmans and read some things online, but we really just tried to act "as if" things were OK. And, for a while, they did seem to improve. We paid more attention to each other, laughed more, we've always done things as a family (day trips, museums, picnics) and we kept doing that, after a few weeks, we began a normal sex life. However, looking back, I was an idiot. Intellectually, I knew that I had a role in how the marriage ended up. I made all of the correct sounds with my mouth about accepting responsibility, but never felt it. I also pushed sex as a way to reconnect emotionally, which was the exact opposite of what my wife wanted (and, really, what I want). She always felt pressured and I wanted to schedule so that she wouldn't feel pressure. I brought up the A, "if you could schedule sex with OM, why not with me?" Stupid thing to say as I type that now.

In January, we had a good talk. I told her I felt like she was holding back from becoming "us" again. She agreed and really broke down for the first time, "I don't want to lose you. I wish I could turn back time." From that time until the end of April, I thought we were putting our marriage back together. I had started to take more responsibility/initiative around the house. We bought a piece of furniture in March and we continued to do things as a couple and as a family and have fun doing it. I then go away for a week for work in April. When I returned, she was very standoffish. I got back on a Friday. On Sunday, I got the ILYBNILWY talk. She had said she felt great when I was gone. No pressure. My wife says something once, and means it. I, as you can tell, like to go on at length. Sometimes too long. I was a little clingy and unsure around her since she told me of the A, until just after we bought the piece of furniture together. That's when I began to feel good about us again, but started back into bad habits. I admit to being shocked and actually begging, very briefly and immediately apologized as being unfair to her, for her to stay. We tried councelling, but our counceller basically just reinforced my wife's feelings without ever getting to why she felt that way.

OK, so in late May/early June, I drove home to LA to help my brother move into an apt (car accident, partially paralyzed) and stay with him while he got used to living alone. Basically, a trial separation. The whole time, I'm reading (DB, among others) and trying to figure out how SHE could do this to US. As I was driving back, I had a St Paul "Road to Damascus" moment. It suddenly clicked about how my actions had led to the way she felt. My heart was always in the right place, but I had been selfish. When we met, i was very confident. In the 3 or 4 years before the A, I had become less confident -- work wasn't going great, I had gotten fat, our sex life wasn't like it used to be, I felt trapped. I drank too much and too often and spent more time playing computer games or PS2 than being with her. I work at home. She would come home after doing errands during her lunch hour and I would be playing a game rather than getting dinner ready or getting my crap out of the sink. I would drink if she refused sex or not drink whiskey, but something else, if we were going to be intimate later. That made her feel manipulated and used. I realized that for years she had taken all of the initiative with the girls and getting things done around the house. We had also disconnected emotionally. I don't know who started first, but we had each built walls. We attempted to bring them down, but just seemed to miss each other. In short, she had the A partly because I wasn't giving her what she needed. When we tried to reconnect, I remained the same person and the same behaviors. Waiting for her to change while ignoring what I needed to do to make both myself and her happy. I realized that I had been blaming her for everything and she felt that. and, in pushing sex, I was pushing her away. While I'm proud of finally figuring this stuff out on my own, I wish to God that she had just opened up her mouth and told me directly how she felt. She avoids conflict and that's one of the reasons why we drifted apart. I got tired of trying to get her to talk to me and her clamming up. But, again, when I look at it now. In some ways, I was browbeating her and not respecting how she communicates (and vice versa on her part).

So, here we are. I've been in LA for 3 weeks again after one week at home so that our girls can spend time with my parents (driving them to her parents tomorrow, home on Saturday). We'll have a week together and then she flies down for 10 days. (We do this every year. I just usually look forward to spending the time alone, we've ALWAYS enjoyed each other's company during that time alone, even last summer while the A was going on).

My W has noticed me trying to make changes, she mentioned that to our C in May, but has said, "too little, too late." Over the past 5 weeks, I've finally been able to distance myself. No relationship talks. Minimal email and phone contact. She's noticed that I'm losing weight (almost 20 pounds since the end of April). We still have a good time when we do things together. We can laugh and talk without arguing. There does seem to be an undercurrent of anger on her part though. She told me that I had scarred her. I had read DB back in the fall, but didn't really implement anything (after all, it was her fault, right?). I'm conflicted about what to do now. I feel like we're finally being honest with each other about our feelings. Me: I love her and have treated her somewhat poorly over the past few years (knowing that we have had more good times than bad and that I didn't intend to hurt her). W: We're done. I'd like to try for a year to see if things can change. That's all I've asked her for when I was in MD 3 weeks ago, a little time so that you can see the changes in me are real. She almost agreed, but backed off (she asked how long and I said Christmas). Yes, I know that's contradictory to DR, but I hadn't read it yet

It's just. . . . . AIIIIEEEEEE! What do you do? On some levels, it seems like she's unsure. She wants us both to file for D. I've asked, and she's agreed, to not contact a lawyer yet and to try to do this through mediation (neither one of us wants to beat up on the other -- joint custody, 50/50 split of assets, etc.) She's so stubborn I'm worried that if I back off too much she'll think I'm getting used to the idea of letting her go (and I have told her I can and that I don't want a promise from her that we WILL be OK, just that we'll make the effort.) Ack. I've gotta stop and get back to work. Any thoughts appreciated. Felt good to get this off my chest and out of my head though.