Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Trixi]

MaxP,
I read thru a lot of your threads. I am so similar to you and my H is very similar to your W.

Yes, it's strange how these situations repeat themselves.

I have the hardest time organizing and so I have tons of "stuff" and boxes to sort thru. I figure that both H and my stuff is choking us, and if I have to move I won't want to move all this carp. And if I don't have to move (because he comes back) then it will be a much better house to move back to. Either way, it will be a win/win and hopefully clear some of my mental energies. My plan is to pick a room to work on every day and do *something* with it. It doesn't have to get done that day.

Sounds like a good plan. I too have a plan to sort through our stuff and get rid of the things I no longer need. A room a day would only last me four days though (if I completed the sort out)! What's in the garage would take longer though.

I SO wish it would only take 4 days for me. Heh, it takes 4 days for me to even contemplate sorting out certain rooms.

I have an issue with thinning hair and have felt like I must wear a wig (sucks to be 40 and in that position). When I didn't wear a wig, I was always afraid of the sun and rain. Now that I do, I am afraid of the wind. Either way, it hinders me being adventurous. This is why it actually *meant* something for me to say "sure" to going in the convertible. H has said that I should lose the wig ... snip ... Bottom line--I naeed to find a way to feel comfortable in my own skin/hair.

Yes. This sounds like a confidence issue and I cam completely understand why it would be distressing, particularly for a woman. As others have suggested perhaps there are people that can help. Do you know if there is a cause (ah - your thyroid I guess)? Finally, remember that wigs can be very sexy - a different look every day!

BTW I was diagnosed with a thyroid condition too (six weeks ago). Life sucks sometimes. In my case the best side affect was that I lost weight. I now feel fantastic but do worry about the future.

Thyroid issues for you, too. Weird. I don't know if you are a Get Smart fan, but I found it sorta funny that I am Agent 99 (ala Get Smart) and you are Max. (Of course, if you don't know the show Get Smart, then what I said won't make sense.)
Anyhoo.

After our 'talk' last night, I was doing very well; until I started obsessing about him being with someone. I still have very high hopes that he'll back and so I didn't want our fidelity to be stained. I need to get my PMA back up because I certainly don't want his final memory to be of me having a melt down.

Well, we are on the same page here. I worry that once she's gone I will have little idea as to what she is up to. Perhaps her view of separated = free to be unfaithful. After all she 'doesn't really love me' and is fulfilling her fantasy of living on her own again. This really sucks. I of course will be completely faithful and distressed.

Should I just ask her whether she plans to be faithful rather than making a request (as I have done)?

I think that is what I would do if I were you. OR, you can not address it and let whatever happens happen. We have no control over it anyway. And even if they *did* say they would remain faithful, there is no way of knowing if it is true. Depending on your frame of mind, you may not want to know the truth; ignorance is bliss. If he hadn't told me that he would jump on the chance if it presented itself, I would probably be fine just staying here and waiting this crisis out. BUT,he has said what he said and now the veil is being lifted from my eyes and I can see that he doesn't see any hope for us. If he did, he wouldn't so easily consider doing that.
(Anyone out there feel like correcting me? I am certainly open for an alternative opinion--please?)

Isn't it funny how anonymity makes me spill the beans (re hair) on something that I spend a great deal trying to hide?

Yes it is strange what you are prepared to say here but not to others. One of the things that I now know about myself is that I have difficult forming strong adult friendships where I share significant personal information. This is because I believe I have a trust issue with anyone knowing what is private to me because it makes me feel vulnerable. My wife looking to end our R hasn't helped that.

He again told me last night that he felt like I mothered him sometimes. I think I am almost TOO stable for him.

Ah, now in my case my W feels like she is my parent and has to look after me. This means we don't have an equal footing in the R which can cause all kinds of problems. So we often fall into a parent child interaction pattern. I pointed out to her that she doesn't need to look after me, I am a perfectly capable adult and am fed up of being treated like a child. It really, really annoys me. We are hopefully going to pursue this issue in counseling today.

Good luck at counseling today. I hope that you make some headway.

I keep reading that I should be trying to avoid (physical) separation; I wonder if there is anyone out there who has physically separated that it worked out for??

I read that too, but there is not a lot I can do about it. Last Monday my W announced she has signed the lease on an apartment and was moving out (this weekend coming). We had discussed this briefly at a very high level but it had gone quiet. I had know idea she had started looking. No consultation, nothing before being told it was all sorted. That hurt.

This whole thing hurts. If we choose to stand by our marriage, then they will continue to have the ultimate control and choices. It is something that we'll just have to come to terms with. Obviously, boundaries would make some sense to protect ourselves. Now is a time for our own personal growth. And, if and when the time is right, we may end up taking control of our own lives instead of letting them dictate our futures. I had *thought* that I was in a partnership. Apparently not.