Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Trixi]

I think you've handled things pretty well.. you've dealt with his insanity in a reasonable way.

This turns my stomach, BUT he says that if he meets someone that he feels a connection with and they want to have sex, he will do it. He isn't moving out with the intention to meet a woman, but if he does....

if he wants to live by "dating" rules... then give him want he wants. Tell him that he may not care if YOU screw someone, and HE may not want to know about it... but you want to know if someone YOU are dating, is screwing someone else. Because at that point, you would no longer wish to date them.

if you're really, REALLY sure he's not already screwing someone... you might want to hold off on actually telling him this, until you've had a few dates.

Telling him this, is going to be a "negative". I think you might wnat to build up some "positive" buffer points before hitting him with that.

I agree with you there. He really, truly does not want to think of me with someone else. I also think that I won't do anything with anyone else because I believe in the santity of marriage. He is probably right. But I feel like he should believe that he is wrong about that point so that he has some fear put into him.

He saw that we were starting to slip into our same old habits.

bad habits, or good habits?
is he scared of actually enjoying positive habits with you?
(sounds familiar, if so. sigh. wilful destruction of positives between you. )

Ultimately, bad habits. We were starting to go along like nothing was wrong. Which couldn't be further from the truth. Of course, I think getting coffee delivered to a person and getting snuggles and rubs is a "good" habit, but it was leading to the "bad" habits of the same old crappy dynamic.

[Dom R]

so.. talk more about what bad habits you were falling into?

He again told me last night that he felt like I mothered him sometimes. I think I am almost TOO stable for him.

theres a big diference between "mothering" and "too stable".

sounds like there are some behaviours of yours, that bother him, that maybe you're not aware of.

PS: reguarding your hair: there are treatments for balding men. i'm guessing the same approaches work for women. maybe you should more agressively look into them.

[Trixi]

so.. talk more about what bad habits you were falling into?

He again told me last night that he felt like I mothered him sometimes. I think I am almost TOO stable for him.

theres a big diference between "mothering" and "too stable".

sounds like there are some behaviours of yours, that bother him, that maybe you're not aware of.

PS: reguarding your hair: there are treatments for balding men. i'm guessing the same approaches work for women. maybe you should more agressively look into them.

Yes, I am definitely going to do some research on the hair thing. I am sick and tired of being ruled by it. And maybe I'll just have to live with it being just as thin as it is today. It makes me sad, but it's time for me to push through the fear....maybe.

I almost didn't expect him home tonight (since I wasn't going to be cooking dinner for him anymore) but he did come home and is actually sorta flirty. Right now we are both sitting outside in the gazebo. Obviously, I am on the computer :). I guess it makes him very happy to think about being free because he is in a good mood. *sigh* I am being pretty sassy with him right now. He came outside and saw that I was eating a salad and says "You didn't wait on dinner for me, did you?" To which I gave him a look, scoffed and said "nope."

Regarding bad habits; I guess I would call it more of a rut than bad habits. Doing nothing. Him tired and poopy. I think it was because he was feeling sucked back in to the R. Especially since he is in such a fine fine mood tonight.

He's singing to me. Trying to be funny. WTF? I guess it's to asuage his guilt...?

[jmegator]

Is it at least a good song??

[Trixi]

Is it at least a good song??

LOL- it wasn't about anything in particular. He has since disappeared in the house.
I'm trying to keep up a good front; but damn! this is tough!

[789]

As long as the neighborhood dogs aren't howling, you should be safe.

[mkultra]

I keep reading that I should be trying to avoid (physical) separation; I wonder if there is anyone out there who has physically separated that it worked out for??

I know of a few real people who have worked it out after separation or divorce. I also know of a few fake characters. In Woody Allen's Husbands and Wives the couple gets back together after the husband realizes his personal trainer is an idiot. He finds his estranged wife in bed with her new lover, played by hot Liam Neeson, and he needs to win her back. He begs for her while his girlfriend cries in his car. Sometimes separation makes people realize what they have lost. That has been the case for me. Now that I know what I have lost, I truly want to regain my H's trust.

[MaxP]

MaxP,
I read thru a lot of your threads. I am so similar to you and my H is very similar to your W.

Yes, it's strange how these situations repeat themselves.

I have the hardest time organizing and so I have tons of "stuff" and boxes to sort thru. I figure that both H and my stuff is choking us, and if I have to move I won't want to move all this carp. And if I don't have to move (because he comes back) then it will be a much better house to move back to. Either way, it will be a win/win and hopefully clear some of my mental energies. My plan is to pick a room to work on every day and do *something* with it. It doesn't have to get done that day.

Sounds like a good plan. I too have a plan to sort through our stuff and get rid of the things I no longer need. A room a day would only last me four days though (if I completed the sort out)! What's in the garage would take longer though.

I have an issue with thinning hair and have felt like I must wear a wig (sucks to be 40 and in that position). When I didn't wear a wig, I was always afraid of the sun and rain. Now that I do, I am afraid of the wind. Either way, it hinders me being adventurous. This is why it actually *meant* something for me to say "sure" to going in the convertible. H has said that I should lose the wig ... snip ... Bottom line--I naeed to find a way to feel comfortable in my own skin/hair.

Yes. This sounds like a confidence issue and I cam completely understand why it would be distressing, particularly for a woman. As others have suggested perhaps there are people that can help. Do you know if there is a cause (ah - your thyroid I guess)? Finally, remember that wigs can be very sexy - a different look every day!

BTW I was diagnosed with a thyroid condition too (six weeks ago). Life sucks sometimes. In my case the best side affect was that I lost weight. I now feel fantastic but do worry about the future.

After our 'talk' last night, I was doing very well; until I started obsessing about him being with someone. I still have very high hopes that he'll back and so I didn't want our fidelity to be stained. I need to get my PMA back up because I certainly don't want his final memory to be of me having a melt down.

Well, we are on the same page here. I worry that once she's gone I will have little idea as to what she is up to. Perhaps her view of separated = free to be unfaithful. After all she 'doesn't really love me' and is fulfilling her fantasy of living on her own again. This really sucks. I of course will be completely faithful and distressed.

Should I just ask her whether she plans to be faithful rather than making a request (as I have done)?

Isn't it funny how anonymity makes me spill the beans (re hair) on something that I spend a great deal trying to hide?

Yes it is strange what you are prepared to say here but not to others. One of the things that I now know about myself is that I have difficult forming strong adult friendships where I share significant personal information. This is because I believe I have a trust issue with anyone knowing what is private to me because it makes me feel vulnerable. My wife looking to end our R hasn't helped that.

He again told me last night that he felt like I mothered him sometimes. I think I am almost TOO stable for him.

Ah, now in my case my W feels like she is my parent and has to look after me. This means we don't have an equal footing in the R which can cause all kinds of problems. So we often fall into a parent child interaction pattern. I pointed out to her that she doesn't need to look after me, I am a perfectly capable adult and am fed up of being treated like a child. It really, really annoys me. We are hopefully going to pursue this issue in counseling today.

I keep reading that I should be trying to avoid (physical) separation; I wonder if there is anyone out there who has physically separated that it worked out for??

I read that too, but there is not a lot I can do about it. Last Monday my W announced she has signed the lease on an apartment and was moving out (this weekend coming). We had discussed this briefly at a very high level but it had gone quiet. I had know idea she had started looking. No consultation, nothing before being told it was all sorted. That hurt.

[Trixi]

I started reading the book "Uncoupling". It seems the the spouse who wants to leave (the Initiator) basically has constructed a life that doesn't incude the spouse trying to save the marriage (the Partner).

By the time the Intiator gets the nerve to tell the Partner they are leaving, they have gone through a great deal of the grieving process. They have already set up a support network of friends that are part of the single lifestyle. They have quit investing anything into the relationship; dropped hints that (in 20/20 hindsight) are so obvious; they kept a secret for a long time that they thought the relationship was unsaveable- and that secret drives a wedge between the couple. It's quite sad, really. But now I can see how it is that my husband could be so cavalier when it comes to dating/sex with someone else. He's long gone. He's been gone for a long time and now he can legitimately cheat on me because we will be separated.

The Initiator (during the time of quiet discontent) will be looking for "reasons" that the marriage can't be saved. They will withdraw from family and friends (friends of the marriage that is) because that network represents what they are trying to leave and will probably be putting pressure on them to rethink their decision.

My hope is that as I keep reading the book, there will be some nugget of hope to hold onto. That he really isn't too far gone. Unfortunately, that is my fear. He doesn't seem the least bit distressed about the situation. Mostly excited. Finally happy. Resolved. How much does THAT suck?!

It is common for the Initiator to throw bones of hope to the Partner. In one quote, a guy said that he told his wife that if they divorced, they could always get back together later; but that he really needed this time to himself. He told her that statement, even though he knew it wasn't true. He felt terrible for hurting her.

Yesterday I had wanted him to move; now I am wondering why *I* don't just move. If he moves, there goes around $5000 of the nest egg. He has told me he doesn't think he will change his mind and then throws me a little shred of hope making me think he is "confused." The biggest advantage to me staying here is that I will have lots of time to sort thru things, heal, focus on my business with as little disruption as possible; all with the hope that he'll come home. But what if the book is right? What if he really is telling me his truth? He thinks it's over. Why should I waste my time here? Should I be buying a home and making it my own so I can move on?

Yesterday I looked around the yard and thought, "well, I could put bark there, and plant this plant there..." and then realized that more than likely, all I would be doing is improving *his* home.

Am I kidding myself to think he'll "straighten out"? To think that he'll realize what he is giving up? Are there really, REALLY people out there who DO get back together? and remain happy?

[Dom R]

#1 rule: Dont move out. If he "wants out", let him leave.

Am I kidding myself to think he'll "straighten out"? To think that he'll realize what he is giving up? Are there really, REALLY people out there who DO get back together? and remain happy?

course there are! go read the "success stories" thread at the top of MLC forum and/or some others.

You're lucky... most of the success stories are about wives eventually winning back their husbands. Not nearly as many the other way around