forever21's journey still continues.....

[forever21]

Thanks S! Yes, I know... he (as a broker) will make more money simply by bringing me on. And yes, it is a little confusing... he is the co-owner of an office (a broker) but also has his own team (as an agent) there. Only a few of the agents at that brokerage are part of his "team". Anyway... because he's been in the business for many years, this gives the team members a more steady stream of leads/income. He encourages those on the team to build their own business at the same time, not just work for the team... but it sounds like most don't work that hard on that. I suppose that'd be easy to do if you're making decent money and aren't motivated to work harder. It is my plan to meet with the team members and already had that on my list, but really glad you mentioned it... I'll be sure to notice if they're just "ok with it". Totally get ya here. Yeah, I don't know how I'd be getting paid exactly. I will have to take you up on talking with you. I don't know how to ask to see his numbers and not feel funny about it. Is there a good time tonight?

Well, HS... what kind of fun stuff have you had to do at work lately?

[forever21]

Mmhmmm... sure, HS. We all know it does. But, anyway... sounds like you've been doing good and enjoying life. The memories you're making with your girl are priceless.

I'm going to meet with the broker again tomorrow. I think I just need to jump in and take advantage of this opportunity. Simply taking action, taking the steps forward, is easing my anxiety tremendously. I don't have a lot to lose here, and this path seems to be what everything I've read says to do.... so, I'm goin' for it. I'm feeling more prepared to ask the questions I need answers to tomorrow, so that's a positive.

This is a huge life change for me. I've been excited for this, and look forward to having a career again and being financially independent. But, I felt some sadness and rejection earlier today also. I had a moment of this sadness yesterday too. I think the change is just really hitting me. Felt for a moment like I wasn't going to be able to experience life the way I used to... that I'll miss going camping with the dogs and my H in the middle of the week rather than on the weekends with the crowds. Realizing I may not even be able to get away on the weekends in the near future. Or take those 3-week vacations every year. Just stuff like that. It sounds silly, but I missed my old life for a moment even though it wasn't all that great. I know it was the hope I had back then for what it could be. I know I'm not getting to really enjoy all of that now either so time to move on. It's up to me to make my life what I want it to be. I can do it, I know I can. I just can't let the career run my life... I am the one responsible for running it.

Just talked with my H. I decided to answer after his 3rd attempt. The convo went fine. I think I handled it better than I have other times. Most importantly, I feel fine about it and it's not throwing me off. Seems as though he's just trying to keep me waiting. Nothing new. Told me he missed me, loved me, missed the dogs, etc. Said he just wanted to say hi. Asked how I was doing, I said good and asked the same of him... he said fine. He said the 16th is coming up (Monday is our anniversary). I just said yeah. He said it was gonna be a tough day. Oh please! I just said "Is it?" He asked about the dogs and how we were all doing with the heat. I called him out on not making a time to meet this week and told him I knew he might be nervous. He said it was just too hard for him emotionally right now. I told him I understand, been there... said there's no need to get together since that's the case, and don't need him to keep saying he's going to find a time. I asked for his address, where he gets his mail. He got angry and wanted to know if I was going to have him served there. I just said "I'm not saying that". The convo remained friendly with some effort. I asked if I could share something with him as a friend, and told him that after thinking about what he had to say when he called last week and from what I've found has worked for me, I think he needs to forgive himself but will find that hard to do until he stops being a jerk. That he deserves to truly start loving himself. This was a good convo, but I won't bore with more details. I think I was able to show that I take responsibility for myself and my part in our R problems while I shared this advice. He thanked me for that. Before we hung up he told me I looked really beautiful 13 years ago, and that I still do but just that he remembers I did (but he didn't say wedding day... hehe) and wanted to tell me that. I thanked him and told him I remember how handsome he was too. OK. He said (empty promise) he wanted to get together here soon... I said that'd be good sometime, I think it'd be good to be friends. What was I thinking on that one?

Sigh. It all seems a little crazy. Just shaking my head. It's nice not to feel anxious or have regrets after a convo with him. That is a huge step for me.

[sofaraway]

J, great that your taking this huge leap of faith and starting down that road to financial independance.

Try not to think of those things as unattainable, camping during the week, 3 weeks off, etc... they will be available down the road once you get yourself established and develop some clientele. I know you are going to be a great realtor and once you hit your stride, you will be able to dictate your own pace and schedule.

So the convo with the H went ok did it? You said:

It's nice not to feel anxious or have regrets after a convo with him. That is a huge step for me.

But you also said:

I said that'd be good sometime, I think it'd be good to be friends. What was I thinking on that one?

I found that interesting???????



Also was a bit thrown off by this one:

He said the 16th is coming up (Monday is our anniversary). I just said yeah. He said it was gonna be a tough day. Oh please! I just said "Is it?"

two questions on this one, why did you ask him if it is hard on him when he said it is? Second, did he answer you and did you tell him it would be hard on you?

J, it does get easier as we go along this path that we have chosen, no doubt about that. It also gets easier to let our guard down and say things that we wouldnt have in the past when we start to feel stronger in our handling of our spouses. So I am wondering, just from your point of view, do you think maybe you have gotten to a place that is so comfortable that maybe you don't have to think about everything you say to him when you are talking now?

Again, I want to end this on a high note, I am very proud of you for what you are doing with your career leap, and how you are dealing with your husband J. You are gonna be great........


Ian

[Trip]

Hi F21.

Reads like the convo went so much better this time for you both. I see Ian's points and wondered about the anniversary, too. I was thinking if you felt like I did when our anniversary came up. I sort of laugh when he sent me a text wishing me a happy anniversary. My first thought was WTF? You left the marriage, are with someone else, I am with someone else and yet you are acknowledging the day. I didn't respond but much later I did bring it up and asked him about it. Also, I thought when he said it was hard for him, how could that be but he told me that regardless of where each of us is in our lives, he wouldn't be forgetting that day and all of the memories with it. He also said it was hard because he knew he screwed things up and that should have been a day for celebrating and it hurt. He said he sent that text because he didn't know what else to say.

Anyhow, I am glad you are doing something for yourself and as an aside, it is connected with the mortgage brokering business I am supposed to be helping with. The paperwork and data entry side of it when the time comes. So it's cool to see you get involved with realty.

You are going to be just fine, F21!!

[forever21]

Hi Ian. How are you? Thanks for your thoughts here.

Try not to think of those things as unattainable, camping during the week, 3 weeks off, etc... they will be available down the road once you get yourself established and develop some clientele. I know you are going to be a great realtor and once you hit your stride, you will be able to dictate your own pace and schedule.

Thanks. I know I'll be able to do that, but it's just a little tough to wrap my mind around when I see other realtors not getting a lot of time off. I've no doubt I will make my life great.

Quote:
I said that'd be good sometime, I think it'd be good to be friends. What was I thinking on that one?


I found that interesting???????

I don't know that I'll really want to be friends with him, but I really don't take things personally right now and especially don't want him to think I do. I don't think he deserves that from me. I choose not to give him that power over me. So, I said "what was I thinking on that one?" in good fun. I can laugh about it, and admit that I might not always feel like I want to be friends with him or give him that sense of relief. He probably doesn't deserve that either, but I feel better if I'm not pressuring him. Hope that makes sense.

Also was a bit thrown off by this one:


Quote:
He said the 16th is coming up (Monday is our anniversary). I just said yeah. He said it was gonna be a tough day. Oh please! I just said "Is it?"

two questions on this one, why did you ask him if it is hard on him when he said it is? Second, did he answer you and did you tell him it would be hard on you?

I didn't really ask, I "said" is it. I shouldn't have put the question mark there. I was just listening to him, and not letting him put that on me.... as I wasn't agreeing that it was going to be a hard day but it seemed like that was what he was trying to get from me. I wasn't gonna let him put words in my mouth, and allow him to feel like I was going to be having such a tough day on our anniversary. I really feel he just wants me to be in that place... just where he'd like, waiting in the wings for him. Not gonna do it. To answer your second question... nope, he didn't answer and because of that statement of mine he didn't ask me if it was going to be hard on me. I think I did a good job at giving him the impression it wasn't going to be.

So I am wondering, just from your point of view, do you think maybe you have gotten to a place that is so comfortable that maybe you don't have to think about everything you say to him when you are talking now?

I still think about what I'm saying when I talk to him, but I'm not so worried about saying the wrong thing. I know that I may not have said the most perfect thing for the sitch, but I don't have these strong regrets like I used to. I was still a bit nervous and know I could've handled that more ideally, but I'm fine with how it went. I accept myself.

Thanks again, Ian. It's wonderful to have the support of my DB friends! I am doing great, and my life is gonna be great.

[forever21]

Thanks, Trip! Yeah, I think the convo was better. Hope I clarified things in my post to Ian. Interesting about your H and your anniversary. I think it's probably normal. I figure that's where my H is coming from too... he feels guilty. I also called him on saying that he misses me. I said something to the effect of if he did he'd be doing something different. Thanks for posting. I'm off to bed. Good night.

[sofaraway]

I don't know that I'll really want to be friends with him, but I really don't take things personally right now and especially don't want him to think I do. I don't think he deserves that from me. I choose not to give him that power over me. So, I said "what was I thinking on that one?" in good fun. I can laugh about it, and admit that I might not always feel like I want to be friends with him or give him that sense of relief. He probably doesn't deserve that either, but I feel better if I'm not pressuring him. Hope that makes sense.

It does make sense, just making sure there wasnt a little resentment coming out in that statement, you know the whole why the hell would I want to be your friend stuff.

I didn't really ask, I "said" is it. I shouldn't have put the question mark there.

J, wether you put a question mark there or not, this is a question. One that can have many connotations. It was probably interpreted differently by you and your H. He probably looked at it as you questioning his sincerity while you looked at it as a deflection for yourself to not play games. No big deal, and I understand what you are saying, but it is a question one way or the other.

I still think about what I'm saying when I talk to him, but I'm not so worried about saying the wrong thing. I know that I may not have said the most perfect thing for the sitch, but I don't have these strong regrets like I used to. I was still a bit nervous and know I could've handled that more ideally, but I'm fine with how it went. I accept myself.

This sounds great J, I want you to know that I don't question you to be a pain in your as$, I question you because for me I need to be challenged and see that my thougts are with the correct intent. I believe that we all have to "police" each other and our posts and make sure we are not lying to ourselves in how we are handling, coping, dealing with all that we are doing.

J, you sound absolutely wonderful and are doing so great. I am so proud of you for the steps that you are taking to make yourself more independant and prepared for your future if he is not in it. The amount that you have grown since I have known you is phenomonal and inspiring to those that are new to these boards. I hope that you continue to share it with those that are coming after us and need the inspiration that even through this aweful situation becomming yourself and an independant man or woman is what good does come out of it one way or the other.

Take care of yoruself J, glad you are feeling so great......

Ian

[forever21]

Thanks, Ian. Sure, there is some resentment. I'm human. And of course I was questioning his sincerity with that statement. He is manipulative. He's even said so himself. He lies. My C has advised me not to let him think I'm buying into his BS. I still have a lot to learn to best deal with my H, but I'm not gonna be hard on myself for not being a pro at dealing with someone like him. It's sad that his intentions and motivations cannot be trusted at all. But I continue to give him the benefit too often. I am a loving person. Anyway, thanks for keepin' it real.

I think I'm doing pretty good too. Thanks! It's too bad that it's taken all this to force me to become more independent again. This is the kind of stuff Michele advises us to do BEFORE we give up on our M, and I'm following that advice. You never know. I don't try to predict the future and I like to continue to keep an open mind. Where I'm at right now, I don't see myself with my H though. Only time will tell. For now, I just focus on me.

[forever21]

Thanks, HS! Yep, exactly... I didn't stroke his ego. I do see what you guys are saying about it maybe coming across to him as more resentful though. Just to assure you, I didn't have a bitchy tone when I said that but I know it's all in how a person perceives you. And, yep... that is his problem to deal with. Glad to hear my confidence level is looking good to you. Thanks for the feedback!

I had that meeting today, and my confidence has shot up another notch or so. I'm so glad I had the guts to ask the hard questions. Looks like I needed to know the information I learned. It doesn't make my decision easy, but I actually feel better oddly.

Hope you're all having a great Sunday!

[Trip]

So far, so good. Did my weeding and watering. I am not a gardener by any means but here I am responsible for the weeding and watering. Not too many weeds to pull so it was easy. Just a bother to me. I could be doing other things that I like doing more but c'est la vie!