Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Trixi]

I started reading the book "Uncoupling". It seems the the spouse who wants to leave (the Initiator) basically has constructed a life that doesn't incude the spouse trying to save the marriage (the Partner).

By the time the Intiator gets the nerve to tell the Partner they are leaving, they have gone through a great deal of the grieving process. They have already set up a support network of friends that are part of the single lifestyle. They have quit investing anything into the relationship; dropped hints that (in 20/20 hindsight) are so obvious; they kept a secret for a long time that they thought the relationship was unsaveable- and that secret drives a wedge between the couple. It's quite sad, really. But now I can see how it is that my husband could be so cavalier when it comes to dating/sex with someone else. He's long gone. He's been gone for a long time and now he can legitimately cheat on me because we will be separated.

The Initiator (during the time of quiet discontent) will be looking for "reasons" that the marriage can't be saved. They will withdraw from family and friends (friends of the marriage that is) because that network represents what they are trying to leave and will probably be putting pressure on them to rethink their decision.

My hope is that as I keep reading the book, there will be some nugget of hope to hold onto. That he really isn't too far gone. Unfortunately, that is my fear. He doesn't seem the least bit distressed about the situation. Mostly excited. Finally happy. Resolved. How much does THAT suck?!

It is common for the Initiator to throw bones of hope to the Partner. In one quote, a guy said that he told his wife that if they divorced, they could always get back together later; but that he really needed this time to himself. He told her that statement, even though he knew it wasn't true. He felt terrible for hurting her.

Yesterday I had wanted him to move; now I am wondering why *I* don't just move. If he moves, there goes around $5000 of the nest egg. He has told me he doesn't think he will change his mind and then throws me a little shred of hope making me think he is "confused." The biggest advantage to me staying here is that I will have lots of time to sort thru things, heal, focus on my business with as little disruption as possible; all with the hope that he'll come home. But what if the book is right? What if he really is telling me his truth? He thinks it's over. Why should I waste my time here? Should I be buying a home and making it my own so I can move on?

Yesterday I looked around the yard and thought, "well, I could put bark there, and plant this plant there..." and then realized that more than likely, all I would be doing is improving *his* home.

Am I kidding myself to think he'll "straighten out"? To think that he'll realize what he is giving up? Are there really, REALLY people out there who DO get back together? and remain happy?