Hi! And welcome...it's always kind of a sad welcome, but I think that you will find help here.
I hope you're doing OK. You Sound pretty calm, given your situation, and I think that the ability to exercise self-control (even when you are hurting, and baffled by it all) is going to end up working to your advantage.
If you have been doing some reading, in the posts and in the DB'ing books, then you know that the kinds of things that your H is saying to you are by no means original thoughts of his. It's really hurtful to hear these kinds of statements, but try not to take them personally. It's going to be very important for you to keep your cool, AND your self-respect.
Keep in mind that a spouse may seek a separation, not because of anything in particular that you've done, but because he is currently attracted to someone else. This may not be true in your case. Even if it is, the attraction can be very short-lived , and you may have the power to make it even shorter-lived.
You can make yourself the wife he wants to come home to--or, better still, you can make yourself someone you're proud of, someone you're happy with. Happiness is very attractive. I think that you have to fake it at first. Start to spend time taking care of yourself. Do the things that make you happy. A lot of people develop self-esteem through exercise. Or go out more with friends. Don't always be home. Don't always answer phone calls from H. When you speak to him, keep things light and pleasant. Be his casual friend, somebody who is always a little bit busy, always the first to end the conversation.
If you've told him already that you're happy in your marriage and you love him and want to stay married, then he knows. You don't need to tell him again.
If he chooses to talk about your marriage, then simply validate calmly and thoughtfully. "I can see how that must have hurt you"..."I DO understand what you're telling me..." Sympathy will probably be eagerly accepted by him. If you can act empathetic while wanting to slug him, then you are well on your way to becoming a queen among DB'ers.
Bear in mind that some counselors are better than others at reconstructing marriages.
I don't think that going dark is a good idea. You need him to be able to see you--in the full light of day--enjoying your life. It's not easy. Somehow you have to get the concept across to him that, while you support him, and understand his feelings, and would like to be with him if he chooses to let you, you are capable of having a full life without him.
Mystery seems to work for a lot of people. Your husband doesn't always have to know where you are or what you're doing. if you can manage it, try to arrange for him to see you absolutely glowing with health and joy after some mysterious adventure--such as returning from the grocery store.
I should probably admit, somewhere in this long-windedness, that I am well on my way to divorce. But I did lure my husband back once, so I know that the DB'ing books are excellent guides. (Check out Divorce Remedy--an updating of DB). If you are able to reconcile, don't sweep matters under the rug.
(I hope that somebody will post JenJam's Top Ten Tips here. That will be really helpful).
