D Busted...Now Back Here

[OneWish]

Update…

I decided to do 180s tonight. I had to try something new, what I am doing is not getting any progress. I had to rattle my W’s cage and take a risk. What do I have to lose?

I pick up D3 at W’s office. I am all dressed up in my suit and tie because I had to go to court for my job. (Looking nice and sexy, I might add)! I see D3, she is painting and we are happy to see each other. I pay my W no attention. I don’t say hello or anything. My W walks behind me and says hello, softly. I didn’t respond. I could barely hear her. D3 then shows me some of her recent paintings and I praise her. I then said, it is time to go and my W asks if I am okay. I said yes. I told her that I need more time to go over the papers. She told me to call her atty. I said no, you can do that, she represents you. W starts saying how friendly she is and she will work with me too. I told my W that is okay, she represents your best interests. W said that she is fine with me having more time (weird).

I then leave, D3 has a great time. I do another 180 and text my W before I am about to leave and state, “Lets meet half way”. My W texts asking if I already left, I responded no. W then calls all upset. D3 is supposed to be here at this time. I told my W that she is always home at another time. She is all upset. She starts yelling, etc. I hung on her. I am not going to allow her to continue to disrespect me. W calls me back and is still yelling, I hang up. I call her back and tell her that we need to talk civil and this is not acceptable. W is still all upset and said she is leaving and hung up the phone.

I am driving and ask my W to start acting civil for the sake of D3 for now on. W then calls and starts talking about 10 years or our relationship on how I messed up, etc. blah, blah. I tell my W that we went through Retrouvaille and she agreed to forgive me and leave the past in the past. Told my W that I did mess up and I can’t do anything about the past. I apologized and that is it. I won’t do it again. W tells me that I left them and she wanted to go to counseling and church and I wasn’t ready. I told my W that I wanted to come back a week later and she had refused that request. I told my W that is strange that last time she kicked me out and this time I leave and she is treating things differently.

I get there with my W and tell her that we need to talk for 5 minutes. She is refusing. I told my W that I have been friendly and she treats me like crap. I have given her whatever she wants. She starts crying about how I have treated her in the past and she is scared to be back in a relationship with me. I told her that we were doing so well with Retrouvaille, but she was always too tired to keep going. She said she agreed. I suggested counseling or a 3rd party. She said not right now. W is crying profusely about our relationship saying that it has been up and down for 10 years. I then said that I messed up, two wrongs don’t make a right. You are now choosing a D like it is going to solve the problem. My W said that this is an emotional decision. I thank her for her time and then I leave.

I get a text 5 minutes later from my W. “Life is emotion. People will forget what you say. People will forget what you do. People will always remember how you make them feel”.

How ironic, this doesn’t apply to my W. I didn’t tell her this or respond to this. ALL my W does is blame me for the past and remind me of what I did to hurt her. She lives in the past.

I get home and crack open a beer to unwind. W calls me. We talk for 30 minutes. Longest conversation since the day that I decided to leave! W tells me that D3 is saying strange things and I tell her some of the things that D3 is saying. W says that D3 keeps asking for me to spend the night and live with them. W starts crying and tells D3 that sometimes mommies and daddies are better off friends. W says that it is so hard to talk to D3 about this. W said that her friend’s kids don’t have dads around either. W said that right now she could not accept me back due to the past. W said that she was always hoping that with more love or age, I would be the ideal husband. I told my W that I was feeling depressed last time we got back together because I hit rock bottom, my cousin passed away and then she accepted me back after working my tail off. I also was always criticized by my W. My W then said that she doesn’t have any bad qualities. I said yes, you do, you are not perfect. Always bringing up the past and threatening D didn’t make me feel secure in our relationship. I told my W that I never thought she would file, I felt secure. Told my W that I wouldn’t file. I then said that Retrouvaille worked wonders for us and it would be awesome if she would try it again and then we’ll go from there. I then said that I know you want what you want and I am not going to pressure you. W didn’t comment. We then hung up, she thanked me.

My assessment: I really feel that my W is not completely done with me. It seemed to me that she still has feelings and she is reacting emotionally right now. Reality has not yet hit for her. She feels too safe and secure because she knows that she could have me back if she asked. She can make this all about her and keep blaming me for the problems. She is not willing to take any accountability. She does realize how difficult this is on D3, yet thinks she’ll get over it soon. She is obviously scared to try anything out of fear of being hurt again. She is seeing everything through negative lenses. All of the arguing earlier seemed to me like my W was trying to justify her position. I had to say something, I can’t keep being a doormat. I did feel good after our interactions because I knew that I was all in her head. She was thinking about me. She sends me a friendly text. Then she calls to talk for 30 minutes. IF she didn’t care, she wouldn’t even give me the time of day. She wouldn’t text me. I did fear that she would threaten time with D3 and I would have to take legal action. That didn’t happen. I am feeling optimistic. However, I realize that my W has issues that she is not willing to examine and this is a problem.

I would appreciate any feedback/guidance!

OneWish