Well, the coaching sesh went pretty good. It had been about 6 weeks since my last one, so there was quite a bit of catching up to do (I'll definitely keep the sesh's closer together in the future). Basically, coach said I'd DB'd very well, and that keeping my cool whenever W brought OM to events both announced and unannounced (including to pick up the kids once) was great stuff. It showed W that I was strong and respectful to her, and that I could change behaviors indicative of the old GD. She agreed that I should say something to W about the possibility of putting a hold on the D as D day draws nearer. However, she felt that I should avoid saying anything about "the R with OM not panning out." She also felt that I should add something along the lines of "You know the door is still open a little, and no one else has my heart right now (the rest is my addition to it -- haven't kicked it around with coach or anyone else yet):
"I'd like to give us another chance to work things out with a clean slate, and go nice and slow with no expectations and strings attached. If it doesn't work then we can always follow through with the D at that time. I was a fool to file in the first place and I never wanted this D. I understand that you very well might, but I'd like you to consider saving this M one last time, because I think we can. I know I've made a lot of mistakes over the years, and I can never take them back. However, I have finally owned them and released them. They are the past and I've made a choice to leave them in the past. I've made a choice to leave all of the bad times in the past and to forgive, because that is the only way to move on and have a healthy life and R. It took some time, but I finally realize that I will be okay, with or without you. However, I prefer it to be with you. You've helped me to see what I'm in serious jeopardy of losing, and I don't want that. I'd like us to start over, W, and to do so as equals. I know we can do it right if we give it a second chance."
Okay, this is more or less what I was thinking -- any opinions and/or constructive criticism? It might be too long, and then again there might be more that I want to say but haven't figured out how to do so. Also, I'd like some opinions on when and where I should bring this up -- should I ask her to meet me for coffee, or to sit and talk to me when she arrives to pick up the kids, etc? What would be an opportune time for this?
DB coach also suggested mentioning to W at some point during this conversation about reconciliation (maybe if/when W declines the idea of giving our M another chance) what I appreciate, admire, and respect about her, especially in relationship to the hardships endured with me (our hard times), and how I will never forget that about her. Also, she said I should state that I will never talk ill about our M, and I will always say when talking about it that we both learned a lot about ourselves throughout the M, and it has made us better people in the grand scheme of things and better prepared to have a healthier R/M in the future.
Takes on all of this?
Finally, coach said that attempting to meet W's PLL of WOA should be okay but that I should do so in moderation (as we all know).
She also put in perspective that, in the long run, W will have a difficult time staying in a R with OM. He brings his own baggage to the table, and R's that begin when one or both of the partners are still married have even less chance of survival. To add to this, coach said that OM meeting W's emotional needs cannot alone make the R last -- there has to be more. And when W sees me having my picnic and being all attractive, vibrant, loving to our kids, confident, etc, she will begin to struggle with the question of whether or not she made the right choice. I don't think W is there yet at all, but from what the coach has said, I can see where this might surface down the road. Hopefully I will not have moved on...
So, there's my coaching sesh highlights. Spent so much time catching her up on all of the events over the last 6 weeks I didn't get much time to talk future strategies, solutions, etc. I think I'll call in two weeks where I'll have less to update about and more time to get down to strategizing (so I'll have time to take some notes!).
