First timer Ugh!

[jmegator]

Seperated now almost a month because that is what H wanted. If anything it has grown the space in between us. Seperation seems like a really stupid idea to me but if both spouses don't want to work on the marriage I guess it sounds pretty good to the one who wants space. We have our first counseling appt. (I suck at these abbrev., need to practice) on the 24th. I bought the Divorce Busters books and am reading feverishly. So, Lord willing this can be fixed!

[jmegator]

Hmmm... replying to my own post. Can you tell I'm new at this??? So I realized that I didn't really ask for advice or anything so here's what I'm wondering about and I would love to hear some input. I haven't fully read the books yet but I'm working on it. I saw that you use the Last-Resort Technique if you are physically seperated which we are. So do I jump straight to that or are there other things I'm supossed to try first. It is definitely scaring me that I am already in the last resort category. Seems a little hard to be hopeful when put like that.
Other info, H and I are best friends. I got the ILYBINILWY and I'm not attracted to you anymore and I feel more that you are my friend than my wife. I want to WANT to rush home to my wife everday after work....on and on. So advice would be great. Thank you wise DBers!

[789]

I have not read the book in a couple months, but I don't think it says use the LRT just because your separated. I have been separated for a few months and have not gone completely with LRT. Finish the book, lots of ideas to use, the first would be to give him some space and not bring up the marriage. READ READ READ

[789]

You posted this over on B4S thread..

"I feel like such a voyeur on this site reading everybody's business!!! I'll post my sappy story too just to level the playing field."

Don't think of it that way, think about it as a learning experience. There are some peoples threads that I have learned so much from, and some people just post here and there but have some good info also. I think I did nothing but read peoples threads for about 2 weeks before I ever posted. Now they can't get me to shut up.

[jmegator]

I've been reading for the past few nights. I NEED to go to bed earlier but it is nice to know we are not alone and someone can sympathize.

[789]

LOL, that is the good thing about being on the west coast, I get to catch up every night after all you people go to sleep.

There is lots of support here, and NO you are not alone.

[3K451]

Read the book. Last resort is just that...what you do when you can't do anything else. Going dark. Turning the lights out on the R, even if just temporarily. Meaning, you don't communicate, see each other, nada unless absolutely positively forced to (such as in an emergency). There's no "relationship" for a bit or longer really with an LRT. Being physically separated just puts some space between you and your spouse, doesn't mean the R is on hold or done and requires a no communications situation. You can use this to your advantage to observe him from a different perspective, too...

If he is saying that you're still friends, then there's still a dimmer on the R and the lights are not completely off. Keep the door open for conversations with him and let him set the pace.

If you have a C appt, just go in there with an open mind and see what happens.

Plus this space just might give you room to be able to come across what it is that makes him WANT to rush home to a W every day...maybe you can find what that is and do it eventually?

[mkultra]

Hi jmegator. You have started on the right path. By buying the book you have found a wonderful resource. Many people go it alone or only use a therapist, some people use their friends who have been divorced, only to find some really harmful advice. I am not saying that all that advice is bad, I am just saying that many people would be put off by what your husband said to you. My H said something similar and my mom and friend were livid. They wanted to punish him. My best friend and neighbor, who are very pro marriage, were much more supportive and understanding. We are here to support you if you need. There was a time when your husband was really excited to come home to you. Remember back when that happened. If it was possible then it can be possible again. Have faith and take care of yourself.

[delia]

Hi! And welcome...it's always kind of a sad welcome, but I think that you will find help here.

I hope you're doing OK. You Sound pretty calm, given your situation, and I think that the ability to exercise self-control (even when you are hurting, and baffled by it all) is going to end up working to your advantage.

If you have been doing some reading, in the posts and in the DB'ing books, then you know that the kinds of things that your H is saying to you are by no means original thoughts of his. It's really hurtful to hear these kinds of statements, but try not to take them personally. It's going to be very important for you to keep your cool, AND your self-respect.

Keep in mind that a spouse may seek a separation, not because of anything in particular that you've done, but because he is currently attracted to someone else. This may not be true in your case. Even if it is, the attraction can be very short-lived , and you may have the power to make it even shorter-lived.

You can make yourself the wife he wants to come home to--or, better still, you can make yourself someone you're proud of, someone you're happy with. Happiness is very attractive. I think that you have to fake it at first. Start to spend time taking care of yourself. Do the things that make you happy. A lot of people develop self-esteem through exercise. Or go out more with friends. Don't always be home. Don't always answer phone calls from H. When you speak to him, keep things light and pleasant. Be his casual friend, somebody who is always a little bit busy, always the first to end the conversation.

If you've told him already that you're happy in your marriage and you love him and want to stay married, then he knows. You don't need to tell him again.

If he chooses to talk about your marriage, then simply validate calmly and thoughtfully. "I can see how that must have hurt you"..."I DO understand what you're telling me..." Sympathy will probably be eagerly accepted by him. If you can act empathetic while wanting to slug him, then you are well on your way to becoming a queen among DB'ers.

Bear in mind that some counselors are better than others at reconstructing marriages.

I don't think that going dark is a good idea. You need him to be able to see you--in the full light of day--enjoying your life. It's not easy. Somehow you have to get the concept across to him that, while you support him, and understand his feelings, and would like to be with him if he chooses to let you, you are capable of having a full life without him.

Mystery seems to work for a lot of people. Your husband doesn't always have to know where you are or what you're doing. if you can manage it, try to arrange for him to see you absolutely glowing with health and joy after some mysterious adventure--such as returning from the grocery store.

I should probably admit, somewhere in this long-windedness, that I am well on my way to divorce. But I did lure my husband back once, so I know that the DB'ing books are excellent guides. (Check out Divorce Remedy--an updating of DB). If you are able to reconcile, don't sweep matters under the rug.

(I hope that somebody will post JenJam's Top Ten Tips here. That will be really helpful).

Good luck and plenty of hugs!

[mkultra]

Ok, I don't think this is in DB but I keep it in my head at all times. Maybe I read it in another book. I carry myself in a manner that would beg the question, "Why in the hell is he leaving her?" I know it sounds self centered and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors but I used to carry myself in a different manner. Now, I am positive and bright. I try never to plead or cry or snoop or manipulate. I do complain, but only to a therapist or here. Complaining to friends and family is a bad idea because they would expect you to leave someone who would treat you in a certain manner. I want to model to my kids that I love life. Even if I fake it, I start to feel it. You can, too.