I thought I should add a couple things to me (sorry) crazy long post.
After talking with the dude, he actually called to help me get through this as my wife refused to tell me what had happened, I got a lot more details filled in. From what he told me, I was able to make better sense of what had happened. This would be Feb-Mar '07. From his story I was able to confirm many things I suspected. I found out a few things I didn't know for sure about, such as her claiiming to be at work, but instead seeing him in his distant town and him coming here to see her. Where the affair happened how, how often etc. His wife had been relaying to me the truth as she learned it also. It was amazing how much I was decieved ans was continuing to be decieved. My wife had always been, shall I say, with out being to harsh, untruthful/a liar, a lot of which would be omission. I've discovered thru this disaster just how dishonest she had been with me thru the years. I started to remember all the many times I'd seen her lie, fudge documents, etc. It's been a hell of a learning experience about my self, her and how relationships work/don't work. I relieazied just how dishonest she had always been with me. Although I will say to be fair to a degree, she avoids conflicts like the plague. She had always prided herself on the fact that we never fought.
On the Bosses wedding nite, when I kicked her out and packed her stuff (the boss has been divorced by his wife recently as she has discovered the depth of his own dishonesty, ironic?), the dude had kissed her goodbye, didn't want to continue the affair. He said she had a tear in her eye. She wouldn't admit to me that that had happened. She said it, "Wasn't like that". That next day, the day she was thrown out, she told me about not being mad at me and wanting to reconcile. But the next, she was calling him again according to phone records. These are some ot the parts of the story that were later filled in when the dude had filled me in on the details.
I feel bad trusting him more than her, considering she is my wife, but I checked what he said with what I knew and there were know discrepencies. As I said before, she wouldn't admit or talk about anything unless I had proven all the facts before hand. I'd gotten no new knowledge of the affair from her, only from him. And that really sucks when your supposed to be reconciling.
I sometimes wonder if I've made too many mistakes in dealing with this. Sometimes I don't. I do know that her cooperation has not been offered or forthcoming and that seems to have really hurt the reconcilation. I've done the work and that doesn't seem right. I'd hope she'd have done hers. Saying that, I wish I could feel the elation that those of you who have succesfully DB'd, feel.