Pretty Much Done

[built4speed]

I did a bit of a test of the integrity of W. She has been accusing me of being overbearing, taking without giving, making sure I got mine and that she didn't get hers, etc. She was especially upset about the amount of kids support I'll be paying. Even though I'm paying all of the kid expenses plus $400 a month, she felt completely cheated and abused. (See the previous several pagers for her reaction to it).

Anyway, I told her I was uncomfortable moving this month without something in writing saying she agreed to the deal. It appears that it would be basically unenforcable even if she did sign something, so it really doesn't matter. Anyway, she was refusing to sign anything even though she swears the deal is acceptable. I asked her why she wouldn't sign anything then. She said she didn't want me somehow using it as leverage as we figure out who takes what of the house contents.

So, I told her I would give her the list of items I had put in a list and she could take anything she wanted. I said if she didn't mind having the kids sleeping on the floor at my new place, then just keep everything. But what I really wanted to know was: when she had all the control of the sitch, what would she do? Would she be fair and equitable, or would she somehow justify taking more?

You know the answer: it looks like I'll be getting about a quarter of the house stuff.

It's just unbelieveble. If you had any idea how much money I spent on her over the last 20 years, your jaw would drop. There was never one time when she asked to buy something that I said no. When I point that out, she says she felt like I was monitoring every penny. She accuses me of getting Vonage so I could monitor her calls, forgetting we dropped our bill by $50 a month, and that I would suspect that you can probably see the complete list of calls made from every phone company. I paid for Lazik out of my pocket. Bought her a brand new Oddessey minivan. Houses, vacations, elective surgery, giving her parents money. I was generous.

She, however, when given the same control, is well, call it what you will.

[Handful of Rain]

Hey built4speed, I've read some of your first post on this forum, and I can relate, I've heard a lot of the same crap, and then some, I wish I could give you some advice, but I am kind of lost right now,

Sounds like you are GAL, so I guess I can just say that I applaud you for that. You definitely deserve applause for it. Keep up the good work, and good luck on the journey that life has given you.

[built4speed]

Hey, thanks. I'm in a fun and stressful time: I'm getting D, moving, started a new job this week (same company but moving from process improvement to leading a technical project - just like the good old days), I have two sailboat races in August, a friend just offered to coach me to qualifying for the Boston Marathon next year (so I need to get my running back on track), I'm still seeing a C once a week, and my kids are having a C session (first one) tonight. I am going out with a friend next month to a concert, I run one night a week with my running club and another night with a buddy. This weekend I might decide to buy a house. And this doesn't even count dating, which I promised myself I would not to until next year.

So, yup, I GAL. Didn't do a thing for the M, however. W is still full speed ahead on the D. She'll miss me when I'm gone.

[jmegator]

Let us know how the counseling went with the kids. I feel like such a voyeur on this site reading everybody's business!!! I'll post my sappy story too just to level the playing field. (very new to this obviously)

[built4speed]

C session with the kids went well. Two jabbered away and one was kind of quiet. C said after the Monday follow-up, they'd probably only need to come in once a month. She said they are great kids, and that they told her they felt they could discuss anything with W or me. I said I thought that was probably pretty normal, but the C said it was not at all. So, she thinks we've done a very good job with them. I agree.

Then last night, W informs me that due to the all the atty expenses, we are going to be $42,000 short of covering the private school for the boys for the next two years, and that she can't cover any of it. Nice.

You know when we were making decisions together, we did pretty good. But for her first unilateral decision (forcing the D on the family), I gotta say she's done a pretty horrible job. Up till now the kids have not really been financially impacted, but I see no way to cover this. I have to buy a house for me to live in. There just ain't any more left. She thought she was screwing me buying that $900 raincoat (and other things I'm sure I don't even know about), but in reality, she was screwing the kids.

[jmegator]

Holy S##T!!! The raincoat is beyond my comprehension! Maybe she should can wear it while she homeschools your kids since she has spent all the money!!! Sorry, way negative. I'm a teacher so I take education very seriously!

[built4speed]

So do we, but I doubt she realized the attys would eat up as much of our savings as they have. It's really been ridiculous. They seem over paid by about 10x, but this is the path W put us on, and I had no choice. It would obviously have not been my pick. She was scared I would screw her in the D (as I look back I see most of her decisions were fear-based, not love-based), so after $40K, we end up spliting everything down the middle, except now she refuses to help with the kids last two years of private school. She thinks my parents will just hand over $40K to cover it. My mom is really not in favor of covering the shortfall my W has caused, and really won't consider paying stuff that W is responsible for. So I'm not sure how this will work out. If I want them to stay in the school, it looks like I'll need to figure out how to fund it on my own. I've paid for everything up until now, but I had substantial reserves and didn't need to fund a new house. So it will be a mess for a couple of years. Welcome to divorce.

[jmegator]

Sounds like divorce sucks the big one. You really do sound on the way to a happier though. Kudos to you!

[Handful of Rain]

Hey built4speed, I also have heard all the crap about how much the D is costing the W, like I care, she's the one who put all this in motion, she filed it, so if it is putting her in a bind, it's not my problem, I didn't tell her to file it, move in the OM, who probably eats like a horse, (I saw him, he must weigh 300+ lbs) or told her to get pregnant, (she keeps telling me it's not mine, but yet is constantly wanting to talk about it and throw it up in my face) it's not my problem she is paying her own medical bills, and doing everything by herself, the OM, is just spending his money on whatever he wants, like get this, when the moron found out she was pregnant, he went out an bought an expensive SUV, and is making payments on it, what an idiot. According to the kids, He hasn't bought a thing for the baby, and here she is either 5 or 7 months along (hasn't told me how far she is, but she looks pretty big to me) Oh well, it just tells you that a person who makes one stupid mistake, like having an affair, and or filing for D, can just domino into a bunch of stupid mistakes that they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives.

Good luck in the races! Have fun out there!

[built4speed]

Well, we sat down last night to try to resolve the final issues that were left open. W does wonderfully if she can keep her fear out of the equation. We realized that W was looking at the checkbook for the stock account we have and didn't know that the account actually had stock in it that wasn't counted in the checkbook. So we actually have a slight surplus for the school year after paying for all kid school expenses and the final atty fees. That settled her down a lot. I told her I would cover the excess for tuition next year that we don't have covered now and we shook on it. And I believe she is happy with it. She told me to email the attys the new details and that should be it.

We are both suffering a bit this week. I will be moving out this month and our family will be gone. I can tell she is sad about it, and you know I am. I am considering making an offer on a house I saw this weekend, and that would really put make the endpoint clear. This sucks.