It took me 10 months to do this to find forgiveness......worth all the soul searching I did...it released the anger with in. Then it became "safe" for my H to return.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
My H. has taken off work as much as he can and calls but I know he will be working with her. I kknow everything that goes on there as I have someone who calls and tells me. The day she thought H. would be be back she dressed in a tight outfit and tried to find excuses to be near his desk. Thats what I hear at any rate. I don't know if it's good to have an informant or not. I see my C. Fri. and I am actually looking forward to it this time. Sometimes I look at him and feel such love and then again I can look at him and want to pinch his head off. I have been looking on the internet at the past 6 mths of cell phone calls. I didn't know I could do that until someone showed me. He takes care of all the bills. There were lots of calls up until the time she bought him a cell phone that was not on our statements. I look at those calls over and over. Why am I torturing myself? I have ups and downs and the downs are really low. Thanks for the responses. Blessings, Violets
Lol!! Really messy though! I would just have to clean it up. I mopped my floor today , and I would just have to get the pine-sol out again. It's not worth the work entailed. Lol!!
Is there a point where you just say "maybe this is too much to deal with"? Dealing for months with a person who was so dissconnected from me and hurting me so and wondering what was wrong to having someone constantly hugging and telling you how much they love you seems surreal. IT's like torture. "I don't love you, I love you, I can't stop talking to her, I don't want anyone but you". How can someone change from one month to the next so much. I was in survival mode and then the big shock hit and now everything is ok with him. He's happy to still be here. I'm not so sure. He's sleeping in the guest room and last night was talking about getting away somewhere so we could be alone and reconnect. I think he is in lala land and doesn't realize what has happened to me. I would rather chew tin foil while sitting in pond scum than to be alone in a hotel making sweet talk with him. He bought me a new bike and wants to go for bike rides now, and he wants to join a bowling league again and well you get the picture. He's making plans for the great life were going to have and I am having nightmares and can't sleep at night from all the crap that was dumped on my head again. Tahnsk for letting me vent.
I know that there are times when I think I can't do any of this anymore. What keeps me going are my D's and that he was my best friend. All this is insane and it sux. Only you can decide when enough is enough for you. Personally, I've got time to give this. This is the man I didn't want to live without (and I still don't)so I work this with everything I've got. Ultimately, I know I am the one to be found......and cherished.
Is it possible that his dumping all his crap on you was his way of venting? Do you think he's pulling your leg with reconnecting or has ulterior motives? That he wants to do these things with you (bike rides and bowling)sound like positives to me. I understand how hard it is though. My H and I dance together and sometimes it is so impossibly difficult. Just take time to do some soul searching into what you really want.
Thanks Grace for a little calm in the middle of a crappy morning. You sound like a gentle person and your husband is lucky to have someone with your resolve and strength. I think my husband is sincere for the moment, but it was only a month ago that he was lying and acting like a jerk so it is difficult to see the man I love, although I do get glimpses of him now and then. It seems to me looking back that whenever there are stressors in his life he implodes and cannot communicate anything that is really troubling him. The thing is, I know he loves me. I know that he would never want to live the rest of his life without me. We've known one another for so many years that you become a part of each other and we have seen each other through some bad times. He's taken care of me when I had surgery and has been a really good husband at times, for long periods actually. The OW is younger but not attractive. I've always kept in shape and take care of myself. Even though she is younger than me I am not threatened by her in that way. It is the time spent on the phone confiding and sneaking around and lying. I see my C today and she is very familiar w DB so she is supportive of rebuilding and recommended the books to me. I read through DR quickly the other night and it sounds good and reasonable but ...a lot of work. I am weak now and I am doing my best to get by. I think I made things worse by accessing the cell phone statements for the past few mths. I could feel the anger just boiling up and running over as I read them. I know I've got to take care of myself emotionally and find healthy ways to deal with this. Thanks so much for the reply, it helps. Blessings, Violets
One thing I have never done is to snoop. I see my plate as being way to full right now and I'm not going to be the one that goes looking for something else. I did inadvertently come across a charge for one of those "dating" websites on a credit card bill (I was actually checking on a charge I had made). I understand your anger and your despair. I know this has been devestating. I would caution you not to snoop though. If you are concerned as to wheter or not he's lying to you, just check to see if he's breathing. If he is, he's probably lying. I know this sounds harsh and like I don't have much/any hope. You would be wrong there. I absolutely believe, in love, in marriage in happily ever after. Perhaps I'm just another born romantic. I'm also a realist. I believe you when you say you "know" he loves you and wouldn't want to spend the rest of his life without you. You have to believe too.
I'm glad you have a C that is into DB and you're right it's alot of work. This bb is such a great place though. Come here to vent or just for laughs (yes, even through the tears if need be).
If it helps at all I think of my H as Captain Insane-O (complete with tights and cape flapping in the wind). I don't know for sure if he's in MLC, I just know that I need to muster all the compassion I can for him (otherwise, my anger would probably take over and that wouldn't help anyone esp. me) in his anger and despair. I'm sure you see it in your H too.
I hope you C session goes well for you and you find a little calm in all this, even if only for a moment. You can do this if you choose. I hear the strength in you. It's my superpower (along with finding things). I wanted leaping off of tall building and all, but it was already taken.
I got a chuckle from the captain insane image! I know exactly what you are talking about. I can picture my middle aged husband running on his treadmill...with his ipod...and Bruce Springsteen tunes....cape flying in the breeze and you're right, when his mouth was moving he was lying. My session went pretty well today and she said I needed to set some boundaries with him. I really like her and she has been to the DB seminar.Thanks sweetheart, you are a blessing!
