Okay, if I can't be right around W, at least I can be right here.
Just got the good night call while shopping for health food. I will be picking S up tomorrow after work, however MIL refuses to sit with him or pick him up here on Thursday. I will attempt to have my mother sit with him (not sure how that will go over with him), or, failing that, will just take him out for a while and return him to MIL's before bedtime tomorrow (basically the schedule that W stipulated in her proposal, and now does not like). So I ask you, impartial observer: Who cares more about real estate than they do about making sure my son can be comfortable in the environment he thinks of as "home"?
If you missed the back story, tough.
Now that I have that out of my sytem, here's the Good Night call update: W sounded just dandy. You can never really tell with her, but she sounded like everything is just hunky-dory, so who knows what that means. S sounded okay, until he asked where I was. I told him I was at the grocery store buying bananas (his favorite), which really perked him up. I told him I hoped to see him soon, plus all the other usual good night stuff (not to downplay it, I just won't bore you with the details of the simple rituals that have become so important to me). When W got back on the phone, I asked her if she had heard the stage finals for the race today, as I had not seen them yet (true, as virtually everything I say to her is). She had and shared them, we talked about it, nice and laid back. She then brought up running into some friends of her's, one of which I worked with for some years at my last job. Shared some office gossip and so forth, I was suitably appreciative, then we got down to the schedule for S.
Apparently I still have him for the weekend (no one had said otherwise, but I've been a bit nervous anyway), and she made it clear that I could try and spend some time with him somehow before that. I said that I wasn't real sure where the lines were drawn now, and she told me about her mother's (IMO) less than enlightened stance. Worked out the options, including one that would have him staying with her Friday night, and her bringing him over Saturday.
Folks, I love my son dearly. I despise the fact that he must be affected by this mess, but he must. My question: Where do I draw the line?
I'm trying to save him a chance to have that most precious of gifts (an honest-to-goodness Family), but is it fair to use him strategically in any sense? Is it avoidable? I feel that W has used him as a kind of cudgel, I know (yes, Know) that MIL is using him as a knife in my heart, but is it okay for me to consider him as an asset/liability in my planning, as long as I try to keep his safety and well-being ahead of all other considerations?
I'm really asking. I can't believe that I am, but I'm having a lot of trouble with this.
Anywho, I have no idea what is going on, but we did not fight, she seemed to be trying to be nice (if nothing else), and I'm going to see my son tomorrow (even if only for a little while). Any guidance would be appreciated, but I think today may be considered a success, or at least not a failure. I hope.
Man the child games SUCK! You don't want to see him used as a pawn in this, but MIL and W are in control. MIL will be biased, and you can't talk to her or convince her of anything. To me the S thing is like any of the other issues, this all comes down to control. If I assert my control on the situation and make a fuss, it seems everything gets pulled farther back.
My suggestion is to let them do as they do, up to a point. Until then, I think you make the best of it with him. Do what makes him happy and just enjoy your time with S.
When the line is crossed, it is good time for you to show how much you can be the bigger person. Ask for a sit down, don't argue, acuse, use a soft tone, and let them know your concerns. Ask if as a group can we come up with some solutions that we could all agree upon. No matter what though don't lose it with them. But I don't think this would happen until some major thought. Make sure it is a group consensus and everyone agrees.
I don't know how feasible that is in your sitch, but no matter how bad things got between the adults, I would do anythig for the kids.
This hole R issue, and my job are ruining my tour watching. I need to reset priorities. 1) Tour; 2) S; 3) Tour...23) R. Haha.
I don't know how feasible that is in your sitch, but no matter how bad things got between the adults, I would do anythig for the kids.
Not feasible at all, IMHO.
MIL's just too far off the board. No telling how she will go, no matter how calm the Realtionship Samurai remains. Better to just hope for the best, and there is always an outside chance of MIL getting so far out of line that W will see it as an "Us against Her" thing. Still, I wish I could just put S in a nice safe drawer until this is all over.
Speaking of the Relationship Samurai, I want to spend a minute going over another issue that's much on my mind: Her upcoming trip, and whether or not I am capable of just letting it happen. I know the pile on will start as soon as I say this, but I don't think I can.
Part of me knows that letting her go might be the best thing for the sitch, as it may give her a chance to see that her gilded fantasy is really just as full of cracks and holes as the rest of her life is. Also, when I told her I knew of the trip and thought that she was not planning on coming back, she used the word "was" when explaing that the plan "was" to have him drive her back. I may be reading to much into it, but I hope she has decided not to go already.
Unfortunately, she never said that she was not going, so it continues to eat at me. If I bring it up, I know I only increase the chance that she will go, if only to spite me. If I don't, and she goes, than I'm the bad guy for not protesting ahead of time. This is where Relationship Samurai comes in.
On the every other weekend schedule, I should have him the weekend prior to her Tuesday departure. I'm thinking/fantasizing about taking S to MIL's house and asking to talk with her (W). Then, without much preamble, I would use the "verbal judo" technique known as "5 the hard way".
This fits with the "after the last resort technique" in a way, but basically I would ask her not to go. If she says she is going, I would then identify myself as someone with an legitimate interest (father of her child, legal husband, person that cares about her), and ask again. If she still says no, I would then explain that it is her choice, but if she stays and works with me, I'm sure we can come to a solution (even if it is not the soltuion I desire), but if she goes I will have to take action against her. I will not be specific, but I may make it clear that by getting on the plane she will be giving up any expectation of kindness, or even a civil relationship with me. If she still refuses, I will ask her if there is anything I can do to earn her cooperation,and express my sincere hope that there is. If she still says no, I will bid her goodbye, go directly to my lawyer first thing Monday morning, and start the process myself.
Go ahead and pick it apart. I'm sincerely hoping that something happens in the next 2 weeks that would make it unnecessary, as it is not a subject I really want to talk about ever again. I just can't seem to stop thinking/obsessing about it, and having some sort of plan seems to make me feel better.
Sorry to hear about the MIL. While I like the "5 the hard way" plan in writing, I don't see it going so well in person. But you have always seemed to amaze me in handling things.
One flaw I see, is straight to the lawyer on Monday. Give at least 48 hours, and maybe see what happens. Maybe she comes running home.
'Preciate it, Atlas. I'm sorry to tell you about MIL.
The "5 the Hard Way" plan was developed for cops on the street, works very well on teenagers, and I have even made it work for me with unruly customers.
W would definitely be the real test. As to the 48 hour rule, I'm afraid it does not apply. I'll have the next 2 weeks to think it over (constantly, I'm sure), but if it comes to that point, the decision will have already been made. If she does "come running home", I could always retract the motion, but the whole point of the excercise is that I'm approaching the point of drawing a line in the sand. Up to now, and for the next 2 weeks, I have done everything I can to minimize my needs/rights/sanity to allow her the space she needs to work things out for herself. It is selfish, I am sure, but her flying off for a tryst with OM while I sit here pulling my hair out trying to do right by the family I have devoted my life to just doesn't sit well with me (for some strange reason). I'm sure I'll find the strength (or mental incompetence) to find a reason not to go through with it, but for now I'm going to bed.
I can certainly imagine what you would say, and you would almost definitely be right. Ask yourself this, though: Could you just let her go? Could you really?
At least I have put some thought into going about it in a way that gives me an outside chance of talking her out of it, while still allowing her to save face. Let's just hope it doesn't ever have to come to that.
Which brings me to the update: Whew, what a day. Started out really conflicted about tonight/tomorrow, and whether I should bring S back to MIL or have my mom watch him. Worried about S's response, but also about what is best for him (and all of us) in the long run. Spoke to a friend at work (same one I saved from buying that rolling hunk of junk yesterday), and she thought I may be underestimating S. Made sense to me, so I went ahead and set it up with my mom, and considered it a go.
Spoke to MIL and S at the usual 10am call, S sounded excited about seeing me, MIL just sounded weird. I was upbeat, thanked her, and told her I would see her after work (but did not discuss details of visit vs. overnight).
Had a decent day at work, though one of my calls was right down the street from former OM's. Did good, did not stop at "his" Starbucks or drive past his apartment, things I admit I have done in the past. Still haven't met him. Probably better that way, though I am not sure if that is for him or for me.
Anywho, called W as I was leaving work, expecting VM, she actually answered. Actually caught me in the middle of a real belly laugh (my partner and I were cutting up on our way out), so I guess I should score that on my column. Kept it brief but upbeat, told her I was going to go ahead and keep S for the night and my mom would watch him tomorrow. She offered to pick him up after work, and I counter offered to bring him back. Noncommital either way, but I think she will be picking him up (more on that later). She also said she would talk to MIL and have her pack a bag for him.
Now, here's the part that should have been in an Akira Kurosawa film. Got to MIL's to find that SIL was there as well. S didn't seem real upbeat, but who could blame him (tension, reunion grief, pure fatigue, etc...). I didn't take it personally. MIL was real sketchy, but managed to hold her tongue (something that surprised me inside, but I was nothing but smiles and best friends on the outside). She gave me his "bag", the absolute minimum. Whatever, I got more than enough stuff here for him. Just showed gratitude in the appropriate amount and kept smiling. SIL was talking about car trouble, threw some lines about her and her hubby (friend of mine once upon a time, who knows now), most likely as a jab but maybe not. Didn't matter, I was smooth as silk. Unruffled. As we were walking out, SIL commented on my weight loss (she hasn't seen me since Easter), and got the response "Well, you look great! How much have you lost?" She really did look good, too, but I think it kind of knocked her off kilter. Again, who knows?
Got clear without incident, got S in the truck, whole 'nother boy. Mentioned my mom would be coming to "play" with him tomorrow, and he got really excited. Bless his heart.
Had a great night with him, made sure he understands tomorrow's program. I do not expect it to go totally smoothly, but I know we will make it through. I've cancelled all my out-service apps for tomorrow so I can stay at the shop (plenty to do there anyway), a mere 15 minutes from home, and I am planning on bringing a happy meal home for lunch. I know it's gonna go fine.
Good night call, W sounded so/so, and S did an abrupt nosedive as son as he got on the phone. Probably the same thing I saw when I got to MIL's, but still scared me a little. Got on the phone with W, reassured her that all is going well and will tomorrow. Also made sure that she knew she can call to talk to him during the day. She was hesitant, and asked if my mom would be okay with that (she has not had any contact with anyone on "my side" since this started). I told her of course, to which she responded "Well, it will probably be more awkward for me than for her". Fat chance.
My response? "Aw, I believe in you. I know you can do it." She then said (after a pause) that she would pick him up on her way "home" (still gets me), and I asked for some update during the day of when that would be. Wished her good night, that was it.
I really want to go and catch up on Nomo and Atlas, but I just can't tonight. I hope all is well, but I'm spent.
Thanks for listening, WC (Relationship Samurai, level 6)
Man I feel for you. In my two cents, and that is about what it is worth...
I think your taking it hard, I don't now your support or IC sitch, but I think it would help. It seems like everyone is holding tongues and going through the motions, and that is better than constant fighting. I guess the cup is half full.
What I really mean is that only you can make yourself happy. Others do actions and they have an effect on us, but how we handle that effect is going to alter our feelings. So make a commitment to yourself that you will be you, and your happy with you. That is all you can do, and she will either want to be with the happy your or not, but in the end your happy with yourself.
Also, I agree there have to be some lines and in some places you have to take a stance. Thats not to say your not going to play nice, but that there are rules. I had a good one with W today and when you get a sec you should check it, I think it really turned her.
I know the first time my W saw my mother for a drop off of S, my mother said W kept about a 20 foot space between. Said that W seemed scared and hesitant. I have had long talks with parents and family about how to treat her and what to do and not do. Those interactions are harder for women then men, cause they actually men something.
Side note: Actually made me think of something funny. My father, when I was 14, decides to have the "sex" talk, I guess he never checked with mom, since that happened years ago. And I quote, "Do you know what your dick is for?" "Yep" "Good keep it in your pants and never get married and you'll be happy!" Haha, still give him crap for that today.
