I agree, W isn't in a place to hear about my love for her. Also, I won't know what it's like until i am in that situation, I hope I don't have to.
So she just called again and I kid you not "Since I have to drive more, and with winter coming, I think I should trade you the SUV for the car, what do yout think?" Just told we would talk about it.
I orginally offered it because it is "her" SUV, and while I have kept it up very nicely, it has a ton of miles and I am really doubting it will be worth it to keep past December. The car is fine, a lot newer, low miles. I didn't know winter is right around the corner, but you all should start collecting your nuts because if you play like the grasshopper all summer, you'll be left out in the cold. She drives 25 miles one way to work each day. Friends live closer to 40 miles one way. It sucks half a tank to go to friends one time. 55 bucks to fill up, she will use 2-3 tanks a week, and she can't pay bills already.
I need to get a PMA, because I'm turning into a cynic and just pissed. She needs her head back! That is my control issue though, always handling the cars, money, etc. Well you've been out two weeks and already broke. I pay your bills, groceries, everything. Maybe I need to rethink the help I'm providing and telling others how well it works.
I just figured I would buy my pick-up this winter, I can't give her the car that I know won't go for another year without major work and expense, but she will through a fit. Maybe I let her take it and let her deal with it.
I didn't know winter is right around the corner, but you all should start collecting your nuts because if you play like the grasshopper all summer, you'll be left out in the cold.
LOL Ok, spit up my diet coke on this one.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I've been lurking here for a few weeks and just wanted to comment on the way that your wife is interacting with other men. I wish my wife had pushed away from an EA that led to a PA last year. You won't be destroyed. You sound much stronger than that. I echo Nomo's comments: You never know how you'll react until you're in that moment. I think I speak for everyone that we wish for that moment to never arrive for you.
Oooh, need to create a sig line.
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
I need to get a PMA, because I'm turning into a cynic and just pissed. She needs her head back! That is my control issue though, always handling the cars, money, etc. Well you've been out two weeks and already broke. I pay your bills, groceries, everything. Maybe I need to rethink the help I'm providing and telling others how well it works.
Well, hasn't it worked to some extent? Reflect on how it would be if you hadn't? Maybe it would be better, but maybe it wouldn't. Maybe you would've drove her into the arms of an OM out of pure necessity. What happened to that rock I know?
I do here you on the car sitch and everything else, and if you feel like you're becoming a doormat, draw a line and state where it is. Or, at least explain your feelings about the vehicle sitch and what you think is the best/most frugal thing to do. Ask for her feedback -- I'll be she would appreciate that -- and continue from there.
How did the groceries thing go? I know you said she was holding her B & J's, crying and saying thank you, so I'm assuming she appreciated the help. However, I was wondering if she thanked you for getting her her favorite ice cream, Swedish fish, etc, too. Are you happy with the effort you made here?
You're having a rough day, my friend, but I think you've been a champ! Decide what you can and can't live with (like lac69 has recently said in kid's thread -- remember?) and go with that. You have to be able to sleep well at night, and if you think you're making the wrong decision, go down another tunnel and see if you can find cheese down it. Do you think the tunnel you're in now is lacking in that dept?
Thanks for the encouragement H! She seems to be telling the truth, a lot of trust is destroyed right now, but everything she does checks out. I just think she is naive and if I push she will fall right into the arms of OM.
GD,
Your right the rock technique is working wonders. She is turning to me when she needs help, financially and emotionally. Wish there was some physical turning; yes I’m a bad man!
I don’t necessarily feel like I’m becoming a doormat, I just don’t understand comments like she did about the driving farther and winter thing. It is almost like someone else told her to say them, if that is the case one of two things are happening; 1) it is a test to see if I’m really there to help, 2) whomever is helping her, there combined IQ actually drops.
I think I do the sensible thing. The other car will save me a fortune in gas, and my rule is one day at a time, who cares if she will be at my door in 2 days for gas money. This is how I’ll do it.
W I’ll give you the car if that is what you want, but tell me your feedback of the gas issue and such….Then if she wants it I’ll trade. Grrr! I just filled it up last night. HAHA DOORMAT!
Groceries went well and she was happy and surprised. I did get a thank you but no specifics.
I’m doing well if I focus on my DB’ing efforts. I just vent a lot, not doing so well with the anger issue, IC session tomorrow. First real one, not with the close friend, who has really just been helping me cope.
Atlas.......just wanted to know that I am reading your story. You are not alone in this. I cant type right now as I am to tired. Keep the faith bro........
Thanks for the responses. I'll catch up some more later.
Tonight was a positive.
I went to meet with clients and an old boss who is throwing the work my way. Well he happens to be an ametuer therapist. Actually pretty good at it, and is always reading up on it, thinks he choose the wrong career. So we talked for about 2 hours and he had a lot of insight and gave me some good ideas and also set me up that things may not go as I choose and I have to be ready either or.
Well W comes to pick up S, she wants to talk. Then she is silent, I ask what would you like to talk about and she says oh, nevermind. I tell her I am open and receptive to hear her thoughts and will listen without judging and she says she’s ok. So I say, well I want your feedback on the SUV, you want it huh? That isn’t a problem at all, can you tell me why though? She laughs, I can’t afford the gas “I think I was testing you.” Glad I told her over the phone, that we would talk but she could have it.
I asked her if I could bounce some things off her and she said sure. I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable with the power shift in the R and that it was detrimental. She asked for an example, and I said, well you have access to the house any time and you do come over, but I don’t have a key to your place. I don’t need a key to resolve the matter, but I need you to respect my space. Totally floored her. Oh, that is a good point, what would you like to do about it? I told her she is welcome any time but I would like a call prior to and I would then feel that she respected my space.
I again asked how she was doing and tried to get her to talk about what she originally wanted to. Not to much success. I then initiated R talk. Hope this doesn’t kick me later, but I told her I was available for her, and I asked for some time to spend with her. She agreed, but stated I can’t say when yet, I just need to do it at my pace. I said that is fine, you take the time you need.
She then said she was scared, she has realized now that she is throwing away a lot. She realized that these men wanted only one thing. But she said she was scared of me, not physically, but emotionally. She thought I would just hurt her again, and then she went into how I hurt her. Well I didn’t hit back, but I pulled the blanket off. I told her how she had hurt me, and the things she did. She was pretty awestruck at first, then she said she agreed. Asked if we could fix it or if we were doomed, told her nothing can’t be worked on and fixed.
She said she noticed the quick changes and wants to see them continue, and appreciates all I am doing. Then this floored me, she said she feels like for once I’m taking care of her. I think tonight I have had the epiphany on this. She wants to be taken care of, ie. I listen to what she needs and respond, like groceries. When I control I give her what I think she needs or wants, haven’t listened, and without asking her view. Pretty lame! Been doing that for a while.
Things ended on a good note, said she wanted to spend time with me as well, but it would take time.
I hope this goes, because I’m just giddy, sure there will be slides back but I don’t want to see the bottom again.
Ok, spit up my diet coke on this one.
