I've read Michele's books. They were wonderful. They helped me through some of the darkest days. I can never thank her enough for the messages in those books. I've been reading the posts here since my disaster started. They did help tremendously. I want to tell me story and get you, the community's, feedback.
My wife started to not come home at nite. Working late. Going out with the work crew. I protested, although gently. She would have nothing of it. This would be Jan '06. By March 3, '06 we had a big arguement. I told how dissatisfied I'd been for 10 plus years and wanted out. Her too. I left for a couple of days. On the third she asked me to come home (She doesn't remember saying that). The next day a friend gave me a talking to. That started me on my path to do the right thing, to make things right. A couple days later I asked me wife to talk with me about this. She refused. We watched a movie. I rubbed her back. I could tell she was mad as hell. She started to not come home most nites. Would find reasons to leave through out the day. It became that she would come home about 6AM and leave after she would take the kids to school. On the days I took the kids to school, she may not come home at all. It was starting to suck. Mar '06. We did go see a friends band play about the middle of March. Beginning of April I took the kids out of town to see my sick Mom. Late April '06. we had a talk about how she felt (despared). She wanted space. I suggested maybe staying with the girl from the restaurant she'd been hanging with. That nite she did not come home. I went looking for her. Couldn't find her. Found the girl she'd been hanging with ( A new friend who had started at my wife's work almost to the day that she started not coming home). I told her friend, as my wife was in the habit of not returning the kids and I's phone calls, to tell her that I was filing for a divorce. My wife called a few hours later. Told me I make everything worse. The next day a friend calls to say he has to talk to me. We talk. He tells me of seeing my wife wasted at a bar. She isn't talking kindly of me. My friend is shocked as he's never seen her with out me, let alone by her self wasted at a bar. I tell him whats going on (He's also training to be a couselor). He tells me about Men are from MArs, Women are from Venus. He talks about the book "Wild at Heart". He tells me to get my act together and reach ou to my wife, but in a different way than I had. He says to get her out of the restuarant she works at and away from these younger girls she hangs with from the restaurant (She's 34 they are 22ish). It's not agood mix. He feels she's having an affair also. Me too. I'd asked and was told nothing was going on. I'd also gotten hold of a counselor then. Someone I knew of. I'd tried to get a hold of him in March when this all started. I should have kept trying. We started to talk. He coached me on my role in my marriage's problems. He helped me to start to grow and change. I'm so greatful for him. What he taught me was almost word for word the DB books.I'd started reading the DB books then also, and Mars/Venus etc. I wanted to save my marriage and get it together. May, June, July she started to spend more and more time at home. I really did all I could to meet her needs etc. Make our house a good place for her. She still wouldn't talk to me, said we were over, denied an affair, etc. But, she was warming up. She allowed me to touch her again, massaging, one of her favorite things. Wouldn't come near me though. Wouldn't have sex with me. We had sex mid June, and she bereated me for it the next day (We hadn't had sex since March). Last two Saturdays in July and first Saturday in August she would show up at 5AM. First time I caught her trying to sneek in the back door. Second time I locked her out, then let her in after she called me a couple of times. That day she wanted to move out. She wanted me to watch our 8yr old while she did that. I said that maybe it was time for her to grow up and face what she'd been doing and take the kid with her (She denied that any of this affected the children). She and the child went and rented the apartment. I felt exstatic as now there would be a resoulotion to this stalemate. We had gone to a couselor before this. She tore me to shreds. Denied an affair.We tried a few to times togethrt to see my main counselor. She denied an affair. Tore me to shreds. Negative about everything talked about. Wouldn't do the things the couselor suggested. Negating anything I'd been doing for her. I'd also gone dark in May. Worked like a charm. She got so pissed off, that I wasn't available at her beckoning, that it was almost comical. It was like she could dish it out but not take it. That thing works. I really thought things were working out. Anyways, they come back from renting the apartment and she breaks down (I thought that I was out of this mess). The two ton brick that went away an hour ago was back, though only about 200 pounds now. I was still exstatic as I thought she might have "seen the light". She said that she didn't want to be a single Mom, she didn't want her kids going to school without her there in the morning, etc. She was an emotional wreck. I said nothing but stayed by her side and rubbed her head till she fell asleep (as she got a migraine from all this too). After she woke she wanted to talk a tiny bit about our marriage. Awesome !!! Next Saturday, the third one, was her bosses wedding. She was pretty secretive about it. I wasn't invited. She came home at 5AM. Her bags were packed in the garage and she was locked out. The kids and I snuck out ot the house as I didn't knew if she had slept in her minivan or next door (We have a duplex) at her sisters. She called me at work, as I brought the kids with me, and wanted to reconcile. I was game. That nite we made love again for the first time since the one time in June. I thought we were on our way. In late July I finally called this mystery number that was called so many times that there were hudreds of minutes per month on her cell phone. I now knew who he was. A cook at work who moved away beginning of May. And he's married. I'd asked her about this. She told me that he and his wife were her friends. A lot of calls I said. She told me I was crazy, paranoid, an a**hole, she wasn't having an affair, mind my own buisness, she wasn't gonna put with this, etc. Stuff I'd been hearing since Jan. From that nite in August, she's not not come home, she started school, left thet restaurant (they closed down) and started to limit her involvement with that crew, etc. Awesome. My Mom died in Sept. We went to the funeral. My wife acted distant. She was still cold, wasn't to close. But things were getting better. Like sex. For years (14 out of 15) it was not a common thing, maybe once a month, sometimes 2-3 months between. We started to sleep in the same bed. Talked about our days. Watched TV together at nite, a favorite of hers. Got her to couseling a few times, not good though. She wasn't interested in following through on suggestions. Didn't like the marriage books either, mostly mocked them. I knew something still wasn't right. I kept mointoring the phone records. She was still pursuing this guy. I left for a buisness trip to SF. She came out for that weekend between my 1 1/2 weeks for training. Studying the phone records when I got back I saw that she was in his distant town. She denied it. And again. So I called him. He still doesn't know that I know, I think. He says she and her brother were at the restaurant he workes at for lunch. We chat a bit. I ask him if he's been seeing my wife. He denies it. I call the girl she was hanging with. I ask her the same. She says that my wife wasn't seeing the guy, "She's your wife". WTF? I keep in couseling. Thank God !!! (He also happens to be a Pastor, but keeps the Faith thing between he and I and very little to my wife, when she would be there, which was rarely, (as she hates God?)). OK. I have now f***ing had it. I'm starting to feel like I'm getting really taken advantage of. I'm still calm, cool, collected. Rarely, like 6 times, maybe, through out this nightmare, have I had an angry outburst, mostly raisning my voice. No sarcasm, no selfish demands. No name calling. Just not really skilled as a couselor would be to talk about things. Why this is so touchy is that my wife cannont handle critisim, suggestions, different views, etc. I've been really cautious in my mannerisms, speech, etc. And when I'm not so smooth it devastates me as I want not to hurt her or irk her. She avoids conflict. Yes I know. It's the number one predictor of divorce. And I believe it's a big part of how she and I got here. Knowledge, I love it, I hate it, but I will still embrace it.
OK. You guys ready ???
(Obviously there are many more details. I'm trying not to kill you with this.)
I call dudes wife in Feb '07. By now my notebook is fat. I know when, where, how, who, etc. I've had much counseling, many friends have counseled me also. Phone records, PI's etc. The evidence really sucks. Dudes wife thought something was up. She didn't expect it to be my wife. They weren't the friends that my wife said they were. I picked up my wife from work. She said dude called her and wanted to know if I called his house. I said I had and that the truth had come out. She told me she couldn't admit to something she didn't do. My wife called my crazy, etc. denied everything. Told me she wanted a divorce etc. That nite, I sent the wife some of my info. She kicked him out. He came home the next day and told the truth of the matter and apogized and asked her to forgive him, etc. (I'v talked with the wife since. The guy has done everything possibe and imaginable to right what he did. What a guy). We wife continued to deny everything. Then she admitted to fooling around. But she couldn't explain what that meant. He calls me as I'm talking to her. I ask "Have you slept with my wife?". "Yes I have", he says. I gave the phone to her. The couselro came to the house for the 911. He tried to talk with her. They made an appointment to talk just them. Next day she is still full of defiance and venom. But we decide to try to work it out. So, between Feb and now we have had some good stuff. She's been more open, actually talked a bit about what happened, although very tite lipped about the affair, mostly just talked about how she felt that led to the affair, such as, being old, feeling despair, unaccomplished, that I didn't love her, etc. He on the other hand has told me much of the details of the affair. He and his wife have helped me a lot through this. His wife has been tremendous to me. My wife ? She certainly hasn't done what is recommended in couseling, DB, books etc. She's not given me s proper apology, ask for forgivness, meet my needs, empathy, etc. It really hurts. Only surface conversation. Won't really talk. Says I pressure her, condescining, etc. Sex dried up again. Still pretty secretive, and not open. Kept a friend who new about the affair that I asked to be NC with. This friend, like many of my wife's friends are, bitter, divorced, drug and alcohol problematic, kid issues, etc. My wife comes from a long line of alcholics, drug addicts, and philanderes. A couseler talked to me about enabling and denial. That hurt. To see that clearly. I started to get that feeling again that something is not right. Started in May. I try to talk to her how I feel. I get shut down, told to "get over it". I feel invaidated. She shows me little respect or regard. Got her to finally wear her wedding band again. Got her to hold my hand again. Got her to take the guys name out of her phone and phonebook. But, it took months. I feel very not good about how I've been treated. It's not how I thought it would be. I feel very used, abused, shown disrespect, contempt, disdain, etc. She will not talk about it or honor my concerns. She makes fun of me. Like I'm a fool when I talk about needs especially any I might have. I have gotten so frustrated that I've talked about divorce. We even went and made an appointment. Then cancelled it. She, for awile there, around Apr-May '07, said that she was in love with me. That our marriage was a ten. That things were great. Although sex has most always felt like she was very distant from me, it was a hair less so. The sex thing bothers me because of the frquency that they had sex. And the fact that the wife said they had a lot of wild sex and fooling around. I was denied that in my marriage. It's a painful disconnect. That and the fact that she was friendly to him. Pursued him. Was nice to him. Talked to him. Treated him as a friend, etc. Things denied me in the marriage before and after the disaster. Anyways. Last week I said to her, after getting my wording checked by the counselor, "You say you don't love me. Why then would it bother you if I leave you? You say you don't love me, so why would I stay with you? It's as if you collect a paycheck but don't go to work". As i started to say these things, the usual meaness from her started, but I asked her to let me finish and she did. I tried to talk to her about on Sunday, and she blew up at me again. I lost my cool. I didn't yell or anything but I said we need to divorce and move on as this is not working. I love you but this to painful for me. We got home told the kids. I told her Mom and called my friends and couselor who had helped so much and broke the news to them. We filed for divorce yesterday. I saw my couselor before the filing and he painted a picture for me that helped to explain to me what had happened. It really hurts when it appears that the person you love more that anyone in this world is that messed up and in denial. You guys rock !!!
