CVA - Thread 2, Hold mode

[Not Much Left]

Feelin better today
Thanks nomo and ik
Talk later, better do something productive at work for a change

[Not Much Left]

Man
I just feel numb today. Yesterday? I guess so. Shake it off CVA, Shake it off!

OK, I feel better. Thanks for listening.

[SunnySeason]

Hi CVA,

Actually, I read your entire thread @ 3am! By the time I finished, I figured I better try & go back to sleep or I'd pay the price today.

It seems that everyone is on the same page on this & it looks so clear, listen to what 1978 says......back completely off on the controlling. She's almost begging you to!

My 1st H was you! Very difficult to control a flight attendant when they're away in a different city, with a crew of people staying in hotels, w/ no way to monitor their coming & going's.
I would cringe when he called me & started w/ the "So, who are you flying with? Are they married? Call me as soon a s you get in tonight!" It all didn't add up to me feeling trustworthy in his eyes, or that he believed I had any kind of good judgement/integrity & eventually undermined the R.
If he only knew how, much of the time, there was little glamour & lots of exhaustion!

I think just by giving her that space, telling her, as Chicki says, how nice she looks & have a great time, you could really turn things around.

She wants to be a grown up, the more you let her make her own decisions & stop w/ the questions, the more she'll stop distancing. As everyone seems to agree, this will take time for her to accept as a permanent state.

You can do this, I know you can.

It's a double edged sword to have a beautiful wife, no?
Lot's to enjoy about it, lot's to contend with. Kinda like having a performance car or a Jaguar, nice to have even if you have more maintenance & time in the shop.
You could trade in for a Yugo, if you wanted to, & have less to think about, but I get the feeling you don't really want to.

I see a lot of positives with your sitch. Take advantage of all the good feedback from all here & you are likely to make progress IMO.

Best,
Sunny

[Not Much Left]

Wow, thank you for plowing through that!

That really helps, no kidding, it really does. I know what I need to do. THe anology is perfect w/ the high-perf cars and a beautiful wife. I know you dont know me, my biggest problem is that as a man with a W who never really gave me compliments unless I asked, that wears on your self esteem. I have been very successful, in great shape, not bad looking if I do say so myself! and not really once in 17+ yrs an unsolicited compliment. So when my W came into her own so to speak, a bit threatening.

I had a very wealthy boss once who said "as soon as they know they can take 1/2 and dont need you, its over" or something like that. That thought has literally stuck w/ me for 10 yrs and comes out as this insecure, clinging loser!

OK, so I have neck surgery in Jan, quite an ordeal. I walk into my surgeon who says "wow man, you did it, your fused!" Then, totally unsolicited he says "so, how are you...no, I mean how are you..." I tell him and he says, "yeah, when you originally came in here, I knew what you were going through w/ 4 kids, work, W etc but now your fixed, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and show your W the man she fell in love with" Incredible insight from someone who barely knew me, other than ripping open my neck and screwing me back together!!!

So, long way of saying CVA is back, physically and my PMA is pretty darn good for all this in past 6 mos. I know my W was waiting for me to get better before dropping the bomb and when selfish CVA was out during recovery it did not help either.

Sunny, question for you. My W is SO bottled up and always has been, my C said, after meeting her, that my issues (anger, controlling) may not have even mattered in terms of shutting her off, she is shut off naturally. He even went so far to say to me yesterday that "you just may not be meant to be in a M" - WTF??? I failed to mention that yesterday and maybe why I am in the state I am in right now. I know he is sort of led by my thoughts on the matter, "paying for everything while she lives her life" and the convo came back around eventually to the fact that she really never said anything like it is over.

What should I do with this??? Should I go back to him. My W says "I like him?" Maybe my one shot at getting into a Cs office together with her... I definitely need some thought, prayer and advice.

[Nomopo]

From what little you've said about him, I am not a fan. How did you find him? Sorry if I asked this, but is he pro-M, goal-oriented and solutions-based?

Maybe you should check out our therapist in Bellaire. Think the W would try someone new? I bet you both will like this lady.

[Not Much Left]

From what little you've said about him, I am not a fan. How did you find him? Sorry if I asked this, but is he pro-M, goal-oriented and solutions-based?

Maybe you should check out our therapist in Bellaire. Think the W would try someone new? I bet you both will like this lady.

I dont know if she will do anything right now. She said recently to her friend, "I think we are both afraid to have THE talk" What does that mean? As far as the C goes, she went because I asked her if she would consider seeing my C to help me. She has not agreed to see anyone jointly and me saying anything about our R right now feels as awkward as it did 4 mos ago?

[Nomopo]

Well, you still might want to change for you. It's not far from your office. And maybe W would go see her after a few weeks "for you." That's how my wife started going. She loved the therapist in the first meeting, and then we started going to work on our communication issues and so we could get along to be co-parents. She is still not in marriage counseling, but really we are working on our R, wherever that ends up.

This woman is pro-M, recommended DR to me, has had advanced training with Michele, uses IMAGO therapy primarily, but many other disciplines as well, and is very experienced. I have been most impressed. I'll email you her contact info if you want it.

[Not Much Left]

Bring it. I am going.

[SunnySeason]

CVA,

I don't know if I can be of any help on this. Here's a couple of thoughts though;

Love your surgeon! Listen to him, I say.

Take the other's with a grain of salt. The boss & even the C. They're only human & going with their own experiences & info that's been provided.

Sometimes people say things that, if we go with it, take us away from our purpose. That's why the book says the goals are so important, I guess.

Yes, your W is prolly hardwired to a certain personality. And that's also why Michele says to change you & not try to change them.

It's when you change, that the dynamic's of the R change.

I agree w/ the "your W may be less than effusive naturally" take, not the you may not be meant to be in a M. Read Michele's section of choosing a C. I don't know what could be done to change that now however, maybe other's have idea's?

Maybe he meant, you may not be meant to be in a M the way it is for you now? If that's the case, you're changing those behaviors anyway. I would talk to him about it more & see what he was trying to get at & whether he has solutions.

Best,

Sunny

[Not Much Left]

Thanks Sunny and Nomo.

Nomo, would you recommend me telling my W about the Imago website?