Nice Guys are notoriously slow learners and amazingly quick forgetters when their paradigms are challenged. Their inclination is to hang on to belief systems that have proven to be consistently unworkable, yet are so embedded in their unconscious mind that to challenge them is tantamount to heresy. It is difficult for Nice Guys to consider doing something different, even when what they are doing isn’t working.
I ordered the book yesterday. I didn't take the test because, well, I didn't need to take it.
I checked out the audio book from my library and have listened to more than three hours of it so far, taken many pages of notes, and (mea culpa), done this all while sitting at my desk at work.
I spent my session with my IC yesterday discussing it. I told him that he is my #1 "safe person" (Breaking Free exercise number one). He thinks it sounds like a good framework for self improvement, but was not familiar with the book or Dr. Glover.
I even told Ms.Hdog about ordering the book, and sent her the website today. I told her that I would like her help in working through some of the exercises, as some of them require input from one's significant other. She agreed to help however she can.
She is, however, not one of my "safe persons." I identified three safe persons and, beside my therapist, I intend to talk to one of my long-time friends, and reserve the third spot for either this forum, or perhaps the online forum at Glover's website. Nothing against my wife, but it just seems like a suitable safe person should not be the significant other in your life--they may have interests which diverge from your interest in becoming a "former nice guy."
Thank you, Mrs Nop, for recommending this. The relevance of the syndrome to my life was clear and immediate.
The opposite of "Nice Guy" isn't "jerk". It isn't about going from one extreme to the other. It isn't about becoming "not nice".
It is about becoming "integrated". The author writes, "Being integrated means being able to accept all aspects of one's self. An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes him unique: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his imperfections, his mistakes and his dark side."
Not alpha. Not some hollywoodized version of masculinity.
Real. It means becoming real.
Like I said, I highly recommend it and think most of the men here would greatly benefit from reading it.
MrsNOP -
Mrs. NOP,
No doubt some men here (and some spouses of women here) fit this description, but not all. I believe that there are genuinely decent men who get into relationships with selfish women, and they are unhappy because of the resulting imbalances that exist because of that selfishness.
I try to keep a sense of balance in my life, I take care of my needs, my kids needs, and my wife's needs in about the same proportion. Not out of sense of resentment, guilt, or obligation, it's something I like to do. Ideally that's the way it should work, both spouses contributing and happy with it, but it seems like it's always one person taking advantage of the more easy going self-reliant one to some degree. If this gets out of control, then you have big problems.
Seduce Me! is a fun and quick read. Greg has a witty style that is casual but informative, that pulls the information directly from the pages and dumps it into your head, ready for use. There's nothing I hate more than a book that reads like a technical instruction manual. Fortunately, this is not one of those. You will find a wealth of solid advice that ALL MEN should be taught (preferably in school, at an early age).
This book broadly covers topics that you (as a man) need to stay on top of if you want to have women WANTING you, rather than just accepting your company. Most importantly though - it does it without bogging you down with details. Greg lays out the ground rules of seduction and then lets YOU decide which variations you will add. In my teachings I highly recommend this - because you seduce women by YOUR personality, not Greg's, not mine, not anyone who's ever given you advice. Greg really nailed it with this one. Practice what you learn in this book to make yourself more alluring to women. This takes the pressure off of you, after all, the more attractive YOU are to HER, the more she wants YOU - and that means a lot less effort on your part. All in all a nice addition to my collection - and it would be an invaluable addition to yours as well.
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R. Gregory Alonso must have been a woman in a previous life, because he nails a lot of things right on the head. He understands the way a woman feels, and thinks. After reading this book (a suggestion from a friend), I have to say that I am impressed with his writing. Men really need to read this and apply some of the tactics if they want a happier love life. It will help to open anyone's eyes that read this. Thanks for writing such a great book, after reading your "Say Yes to Success" book I did not know what to expect with this one. Thank you again.
Nice Guys are notoriously slow learners and amazingly quick forgetters when their paradigms are challenged. Their inclination is to hang on to belief systems that have proven to be consistently unworkable, yet are so embedded in their unconscious mind that to challenge them is tantamount to heresy. It is difficult for Nice Guys to consider doing something different, even when what they are doing isn’t working.
Hmmmm... sound like anyone we know?
Corri
Aren't a lot of people like that? Especially people that have, shall we say, an overdeveloped sense of entitlement?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Nice Guys, as described in that book, are the worst type of man... they are SO mentally and emotionally abusive, it just takes my breath.
Part of me was doing some serious 'venting' from my Center of Universe Chair when I wrote that, so please keep that in mind. I contributed to the bad dynamic of my marriage by not sticking up for myself and not drawing and maintaining healthy boundaries.
Though... in my experience... I do see Nice Guys like that as very manipulative... and just from my own life, I have a hyper-sensitivity to manipulation. So you can see where this might not be the best 'mix' for me. Yet... I continued to seek it out for most of my life... for you will continue to repeat that which you do not fix in yourself.
I agree with everything you said 100%. What I said was also correct 100%. That is the way marriage is DESIGNED to work. God designed men and women to be opposites and thus to "need" each other. The strengths of men are normally the weaknesses of women, and his weaknesses are her strengths. Bring these people together and you have synergy (in theory).
So we agree basically on how men and women "communicate". What does this mean in terms of a relationship. Well, this means that the man must work hard at opening himself up, to share more, to verbally satisfy his wife. Then, the wife must understand (and most don't) that these indepth conversations are NOT what he needs. They need to get their focus completely off verbal commuication, and to focus almost exclusively on physical touch and sex (his communication). And the hardest part, it really only works SIMULTANEOUSLY (as God intended).
