I just want her to come home!

[Atlas]

yep!

[Nomopo]

Ok. Working through the days posts. At the point where she needed computer help, and backed out on burgers. Your attitude is GREAT (so far)! You are really doing great. Give me a few more minutes!

[Atlas]

sounds good! Thanks

[Nomopo]

You are doing so well. Pumped up about your focus on DR. And keep searching those memory banks. Things will start to come back to you. I also drew blanks, but slowly, I have remembered very helpful stuff. And that process is still happening.

You handled the grocery exchange beautifully. Don't let the independence talk get you down. It really is to be expected. She cannot just abandon the WA mentality overnight. But your W seems to be moving that way (despite her other personal issues) pretty darn quickly.

On the MIL issue, I think you handled it pretty well. Not knowing your ILs, here is how I would handle it (and did with my MIL - FIL is deceased). I wanted MIL to know that I wanted very badly to save the M, that I still loved W, that I realized I had made mistakes in the past and that I was focusing on me to change me because I can only control me and not my W. I also told MIL that I thought W was confused about some things, but that I thought her feelings were genuine, and that I realized she needed time and space to figure things out for herself. I told MIL that I knew I couldn't change W's mind by arguing or talking or explaining, and that if I tried it would push her away. I also said that I thought W's family should try to be there for W and support her, and not try to talk her into any thing because I thought that too would push W away from me. I suggested the most she might be able to do was to be there if and when W approached her for help or to listen, and then perhaps to guide W's thought process by posing questions or things simply for W to consider (eg, that all M have trouble). MIL suggested she was going to remind W of her vows. I didn't try to dissuade her then (but might now). Not sure I MIL did this or, if so, how it went. I told MIL, finally, that I loved her and her family, and that I sincerely appreciated her concern and support. I also added that if W thought MIL and I were "conspiring" to change W's mind, it would be devastating.

Maybe some of that can help you decide how to talk to your MIL. Given your W's reaction to the last convo with MIL, and the fct she hasn't returned calls for a week and a half, I doubt MIL is the best person to help W with her current crisis. If you want someone else to also be there for W, who are the other options? If it's just you, there might be advantages to that for your sitch. Of course, getting your W the help/support she really needs is more important and may involve getting her a bigger support network.

Hope that helps,
Nomo

[Atlas]

Nomo, thanks for the post.

Thanks I think I really helped them with the groceries, I was sick while doing it, thinking oh here is the control and she will just dismiss it, but she didn’t. I really think she is questioning, one thing I forgot with MIL, is W said I was so nice and acting great about the whole thing and she couldn’t understand why. MIL told her it was because I loved her and cared for her, but she dismissed it.

The W is empty when it comes to turning to people. We have been all over this great country doing education for 4 years. Friends have families and moved on. Basically we are surrounded by only our family, I still have childhood friends since we relocated to where we grew up. But W doesn’t, it has always been a sticking point. She doesn’t do well with making friends, and I can honestly say I don’t know why. I do know that she has made poor choices in friends in the past and that has bitten her. So she is careful and too cautious and won’t give anyone slack.

MIL is the only person I can trust on that side of the aisle. Everyone else is dealing with her D wake, and not doing well. This could be 2 for 4 official divorces and another isn’t a marriage, it is a tolerable situation for kids. Only one marriage is worth the paper it is written on, and in all actuality I’m impressed with them and strive to be like they are.

So she is alone and men find her attractive and as a counselor she thinks deep down everyone is good. BS. She grew up with dealing with her M’s issues. So she is reaching out, tonight she wanted to run quickly cause a new girlfriend was going to come over to her apartment, but she never called back. I think W may be dumping on them and no one will deal with that in a new friendship. This really concerns me, because a man will do a lot to see the bedroom. She seems to have good sight on that and pushes them away when they start heading that direction, but eventually, I mean it’s only a matter of time. I’ll be destroyed.

I guess I keep the head up. Thanks for the posts, I appreciate it.

[Atlas]

So W just called and got upset with me.

W calls, she is working tonight and I have S. I'm typically off around 5, but to pay for the house that we bought 1 month before she moved I have to pick up extra work. So I have a sitter for tonight and I have to run downtown and meet a client for about an hour. W wants me to take S to a pool party between 4:30 and 6:30. I tell her it sounds fun, and to bring his swimsuit and stuff over and I will try and make it but it will be tight.

"Well I told him about it and S has been talking about it all day, he will very dissappointed if you don't take him."

WELL GUESS WHAT, don't make promises on my behalf unless you know I can keep them. WHY ARE YOU EVEN MAKING A SCHEDULE ON MY BEHALF!!! YOU LEFT ME AT HOME!!! Now S will be mad about the party and at 2 will just think daddy didn't take him the party.

I kept my cool, really trying to DB hard, told her I would try all I can. She knows the client as well and they are feeding me with a lot of work, she knows I have to jump when the ask.

Told her thanks for telling me about it, and to have a good day, said by and hung up.

[Atlas]

OK,

I need to know how lost and insensitive I am being, especially if any ladies read this thread your views would be much appreciated.

My W's biggest complaint is my control. I control everything, money, house, jobs, etc. Now in the next breath she says she wasn't taken care of and wants to be taken care of. When we get to how she wants to be taken care of, outside of the biggest one "Affection," she wants a man to take care of the very things she said I controlled. The money, house, cars.

I know there is something here I am not hearing from her. I keep listening and replaying this over and over, but I just can not get out of the circular logic.

The only thing I can think of is maybe a timing issue, I was controlling before so much so, that now she is tired and wants to be taken care of. Does that makes sense with what she is saying?

[waw1978]

Atlas,

Okay...so your wife keeps say that she thinks your controlling but then wants a man to control the things she is complaining about? She is confused and she doesn't know what she wants or how to communicate it properly to you.

I guess you need to clarify what she means by control and how she wants to be taken care of. Obviously they are two different things that she is describing but in manner that sounds like the same thing when she is speaking to you.

Another thing on this point. W cannot have it both ways. I know a lot of women who's husband "take care of them" ie. they don't work, they have spending money, cleaning ladies etc. but complain non-stop about their H's "controlling them". Whether its being upset that W spent $400 on a new Coach bag or spent the day at lounging by the pool etc etc. If H is taking care of all of this, then guess what? He gets a say in how much money you spend and if you never cook dinner or help him out he has a right to be peeved. It really comes down to a lack of good communication. If it was all laid out, H will work, pay the bills, mow the lawn etc and wife is responsible for cooking, cleaning laundry and what have you and everyone did what the agreed to there would be little room for agrument. I know one of my gal pals that had a tough time with all of this did just that, wrote down on a contract what was expected of her in lieu of not working etc and what she expected from him. She and hubby have been getting on much better since. Also, she now gets an "allowance" deposited to her own account so the hubby cannot get angry for her shopping habits since its a set amount that they agreed to.

As far as her making plans for you to take S here and there on YOUR night...this is wrong and controlling on her part. I know things are in a rocky position but I hope you can discuss this with her and let her know that this isn't acceptable going forward.

PS: For the record, I think her timing of deciding this with the new house and all was lousy! I am really sorry that you are dealing with a new house and separation. Do you still have the new dog too?

[Atlas]

waw1978,

Thank for insight it helps.

My wife is VERY, how do I put this, she says women's lib, but I say someone who likes to defy the norms. Which I have always admired and think is cool. But like you said, I don't know if she knows what she wants.

I'm really trying to listen hard, mirror, validate and empathize and this just hit me today, so I need to try harder. Well next time she brings it up, I'm going to get clarifications, in a IMAGO way.

Her timing really stinks. I've finished straighting out the house. I'm moving my office upstairs since I have an extra room up there now and it is larger. She actually got mad about that, I said well what bothers you, well that is the spare room. I didn't say anything, I don't get it. She took everything in it but a wreath.

I have the dog, and she is a great dog. Probably the best dog I have ever had. I feel bad though, I leave around 7 and I'm back around 8. She is in the backyard all day by herself. I have a neighbor who loves dogs, so he comes and grabs her and takes her to his house. He already has two. I think I might give her away though, feel terrible about it, but it is not good for her.

[Nomopo]

I think WAW did great on your last post, so I wanted to comment on two things you said earlier:

MIL told her it was because I loved her and cared for her, but she dismissed it.

I don't think she is in a place where she can hear and accept this yet, but hopefully she will be one day.

This really concerns me, because a man will do a lot to see the bedroom. She seems to have good sight on that and pushes them away when they start heading that direction, but eventually, I mean it’s only a matter of time. I’ll be destroyed.

You know, I certainly don't wish this on you, or anyone, but I will say that you never know how you will react until it happens. Before I discovered my W's EA, I would have sworn that I would have wlaked away and never looked back, and that I probably would've killed W and the OM (not at all capable of that, but would've said it). And then as soon as it is your reality, and it starts to sink in, things can be different. They were for me. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU ARE IN THAT MOMENT.