When I read that Mr. Nice Guy stuff the other day, jesus, that was SOOOOO my xh. Things keep coming along that whisper in my ear "honey, you were NOT crazy." And I almost cry sometimes at how relieved I am to be out of that M. An example.
My kids play hockey, and yesterday I had to go over to my xh's to get him and the kids to sign some forms so we could get them signed up for the coming year. It was raining. I go over, and the three of them are waiting for me outside to sign the forms. I was not invited into his house because his mother was inside cooking dinner, and she hates me now. So we stood in the rain, with them signing papers, because everyone has to tip toe around grandma.
So my oldest son calls me last night to tell me that their dad got them a kitten. (My H hated cats when we were married). His new girlfriend loves cats, and she gave the boys a stray she found. I'm cool. I think it's pretty funny, actually, as I can see my xH's fcked up R patterns starting to emerge already. But anyway... my son says to me on the phone... "I'm just so surprised that dad let us get the cat... (me: why?)... because our house over here seems too clean to have a cat. (me: huh?) ... well, Nanny keeps this house way cleaner than our house. (me: you think our house is dirty?) ... no, it's just that Nanny cleans way more than you do."
I let it drop. That old sense of hyper-criticism I always used to feel when I was part of that family began creeping in again (I was starting to feel anxious that my house is in fact grossly dirty... which it isn't, but 16 years of conditioning sucks) . And there is a side of me that gets so pissed off... there is no way on the planet that my xH could ever be a single dad. He moved his mother in with him... she does the cleaning, the cooking, and spends more time with MY kids than he does, that is for sure... which is not the point of shared custody.
And I see how I stepped into the role of mother all those years ago, when xH's older two sons were still in school, and he married me. My shrink always used to say to me that my xH was looking for a mother figure he could have sex with, which to him, completely explained to him why I was LD. In retrospect, a lot of the time I spent with my shrink was him trying to get ME to see that I was not crazy or fcked up, or damaged. I was acting normally to a highly abnormal R dynamic. The fact that I was always willing to accept the blame for everything wrong with the R was what I was doing to contribute to the ongoing problems of the R (and the fact that I could not maintain healthy boundaries). But that is exactly how I was raised, and I was reliving childhood dynamics I could not even SEE.
Okay. I have to let it go. Actually, I have to go have a good cry because I cannot believe all the years of time and energy I put into that fcking marriage.
Nice Guys, as described in that book, are the worst type of man... they are SO mentally and emotionally abusive, it just takes my breath.
I think in a way, Mrs. NOP, you may have given me the final chapter I needed for emotional closure on my failed M.
I know, I know, this is a place to save Rs and marriages. Sorry.
