Don't know what to do at this point. So many conflicting thoughts.
I went home early from work yesterday to get D10 to her softball game. I think W forgot we had made this arrangement on Monday.
I walked in and W was in the bathroom. A site called legal zoom was up on the computer. W was ordering some sort of online D settlement thing. W came out of bathroom and saw me standing there looking at the computer. Asked me what I was doing home already, reminded her of our arrangement made on Monday. She forgot, then started in on how she can have the papers shipped overnight from this site, all we have to do is sign them and take them to the courthouse.
I kind of lost my DB'ing bearings there. I told her this was insane. We can make this work, stop seeing this OW, cut it off, turn back to us and let's really try, both of us.
She said she had tried already. There is nothing left. Just wants to be alone and knows she can never have anything really with the OW. I asked her if she was always going to be happy with being the other woman in OW's relationship. W said she doesn't see it that way or something to that affect.
To be honest. Somewhere in there I zoned out. Something snapped. I quit responding. I started to walk away and she got angry. She yelled at me to stop ignoring her. I wasn't. I just didn't want to talk any longer. It is what it is. W said this is what she wants, she wants a D as soon as possible. I told her to do what you have to do, I don't know what else to say. I told her it would be better if we could be together, in a whole manner, doing our best to do things right. I told her I know she doesn't want that. I told her again, so do what you have to do..., I'm tired. At that moment, I felt it like never before. I'm a fighter, I've competed at a pro-level. I know how to take a hard hit and not let it show. Not even that stupid smile guys do after a hard hit, that just tells me it hurt as it's still a response meant to send me a message. No, I know better than that just be expressionless. So I know, at least I think I didn't let it show. All I felt at that moment was tired, bone tired. Not mad, not pissed, not hurt, not anything. Just tired.
I went outside to get my D10 and take her to her game.
W is starting to unravel. W brought D6 up to the game about an hour later. I met them at the car and as we were walking away D6 showed me that she had a handful of quarters, D6 asked me how many airheads this would buy. I told her I don't know. W yells, "______! what did he just say to you?!" D6 looks at her confused and said, "I asked how many airheads I can buy and dad said he doesn't know, we are going to the concession stand to find out".
I didn't even feel anything. I think I should have. I think I should have been a little pissed that W would think I would say something inappropriate to D6.
But I wasn't. I was/am numb. Screw her. Say what you want. Do what you want. Tell anyone, everyone, anything she wants to tell them. I've done nothing wrong.
Tyler, this is not about sexuality, it's about her self image in a world where she has not resolved the past issue of being dominated / controlled by a man during her abuse.
My W had a friend who left her husband and did a similar thing. Went to a woman for comfort because in HER mind men were unsafe.
This isn't any different than any other OP where you have one vulnerable, hurt and confused person who is seduced by an emotional predator who is only interested in getting THEIR needs fulfilled.
I think you need to treat this like any other affair, and not stand for it.
Thanks Frank.
Not to sound totally stupid but here goes. What does "not stand for it" involve?
I told her I can't deal with it. She can't do it. She said she is, and she added that they did more after the Wednesday night blowout, up to the last moments we were there. The calls, texts and contact has not stopped. It's almost non-stop.
I've never known Frank to hold back so I think all he is saying is LLRT - tell her the affair is to end or split.
It would seem that you are there already and as much as I would stand behind you and fight - you just don't have a worthy adversary. Until she figures out what she wants to do (with her life, OW, etc.), you'll be a world of limbo - going out of your mind. Time to save your sanity. A lot easier to type from my point of view, but she is a disaster waiting to happen (well, is actually happening). Time to focus SOLELY on tyler and his children. Let the drama go.
My .02 - you have fought valiantly, time to save yourself...
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
The "she can't do it" part above was my words to her. No, I don't want any part of an open marriage, even if the 'open' only means one other person, once every few months, and that person is "safe", and someone we have both known for a long time. What a crock. No thank you.
W just called. She forwarded me an e-mail from some place called 'we the people'. It's another online legal type thing. W was expecting something more from me I think. I just said okay, I'll take a look. Basically she has filed. She is enroute to her IC, my biggest fan by far. =)
And she is going back up to visit OW for weekend in August.
I've never known Frank to hold back so I think all he is saying is LLRT - tell her the affair is to end or split.
It would seem that you are there already and as much as I would stand behind you and fight - you just don't have a worthy adversary. Until she figures out what she wants to do (with her life, OW, etc.), you'll be a world of limbo - going out of your mind. Time to save your sanity. A lot easier to type from my point of view, but she is a disaster waiting to happen (well, is actually happening). Time to focus SOLELY on tyler and his children. Let the drama go.
My .02 - you have fought valiantly, time to save yourself...
Sven
Thank you Sven. I keep asking myself if I have done enough. She is hurting, in so much mental anguish. IC said to me once, "you have to remember, we have no idea how many times each day some horrible memory and accompaning images flash through her mind..."
I can't imagine living that way.
My conscience is eating me alive today. If she were struggling with cancer, I would be there. Any other illness, I would gladly do what I have to do to be there for her.
Is this mental illness any different?
I don't know the full answer to that. I do know that I have told her consistently since Wednesday night that this affair has to end and contact has to be severed.
Her response has been to continue physical contact while we were there, maintain, if not escalate phone, text, e-mail and IM contact since we have been home. In addition to planning another weekend at OW's house in beginning of August with another still pending for late August, early September.
I keep thinking about grabbing my N.U.T.S.
What are my Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms?
Cheating on me is the last line. Let me qualify that with this, unapologetically cheating is the last line. Could the affair be over in a few months? Could it be over now? I don't know. I also don't know that I can hang on for a few months more. It's been almost 2 years of this. I told her that she has yet to apologize. She doesn't see why she should, to her the marriage was over, she isn't going to stop, if roles were reversed she would have understood my need to find someone else, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I realize in typing this that others have gone longer. I know. I wish I could shake myself and say, let's get it on, bringthe hurt, I can face this challenge, shoot I can go a decade if I have to for the sake of my kids.
She has shredded us financially. She has shredded me emotionally, mentally. This has affected my job performance. Now she has shredded trust.
I keep thinking of my kids and trying to tell them that I can't go any longer. She has no problem with this, or so she says.
I said to her yesterday that I can't believe she truly thinks this won't be damaging to her as well. She doesn't see it. She only sees that she will be so much better off.
You know, I've often written on threads, don't recall if I wrote it on yours, that one of the great lessons I've learned through this (my sitch) came from my experiences as a frequent flyer. What does the FAA announcement say you should do if there is a drop in cabin pressure and masks fall from the overhead compartment? Secure YOUR mask before helping others. It sounds so selfish that we should help ourselves before others - but what happens if you pass out trying to secure someone elses mask?
Your right, you'd be there if she was sick in some other way. But let me ask, if you wore yourself out and didn't take care of yourself while caring for her, you might end up in a bed next to her. Now, you have a person that wants no part of what you have to give - and in all likelihood, she just doesn't even realize this. So, time to put on that mask.
And, great N.U.T. reference.
So, let's say you pick yourself up from this experience, and you move on through life as a better man. You're already on that journey. No one can say that she won't suddenly realise what a mess she has made. She has to do that on her own. And in the meantime, you'll be getting better, and stronger EVERY day.
Look, this sucks. Not easy. But you will endure. Look what you have learned and the advice you have received....time to rebuild, sans the drama. And as I say in my tagline, sometimes grace means that life is not fair. Well, there you go, you can walk gracefully, with head high as a new man. Time to take on the world.
Hope that helps.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
I was just thinking about something I read in the e-book you recommended to me.
I'm rejecting this version of her. The cold hearted version. The version that would call my S14, while he is home alone at 9 PM and tell him that his parents are splitting up, then call my D12 at MIL's house, (same night), and give her the same news. Both D12 and S14 were distraught to say the least, W says to MIL, "I'll come home if you need me to, I will..."
Like you really need to be told to come be with your kids after you bombed them, after telling me we would talk to them together after the weekend.
Best part of this, after she got off the phone with them she walked into the bar with her divorced friend.
That same version that sees no need to apologize for cheating and sees no need to stop.
I'm rejecting that version of her. I'm walking away from it. If the other version of her wants to come back, the version that would do as you mentioned, suddenly realize what a mess she has made and try to repair it. If that side of her were to show up, I would be interested in reconciliation.
For now, the only version I'm seeing I don't want any part of, no way, no how, no thanks.
You're right. The advice I've received here has been priceless. Should it go that direction, I am now equipped to experience a fantastic relationship.
Sven is saying what I would be saying also. You do need to let her know you aren't going to allow her to flaunt her affair in your presence. I told my W in no uncertain terms that she would NOT call OM or text him or e-mail him in my presence or the kids presence. If she wants her divorce, fine. But she will not disrespect me in the meantime.
Sven is saying what I would be saying also. You do need to let her know you aren't going to allow her to flaunt her affair in your presence. I told my W in no uncertain terms that she would NOT call OM or text him or e-mail him in my presence or the kids presence. If she wants her divorce, fine. But she will not disrespect me in the meantime.
That's what I mean by 'not stand for it'.
Thank you Frank and Sven for clarifying this point. Funny to have to ask for clarity on something that normally I would be so clear on.
Question for you guys/gals/peeps.
W wants to go to a mediator like right now. File and be done. If you have followed my situation, you know finances suck right now due to my injury. I waited until today to pay the mortgage, due to utilities being turned off if not paid immediately last week. W told me yesterday that we can take the money from this check, pay the attorney, filing fees, etc., and then pay the mortgage next check as it still will only be 20 days late at that point. "At least the process will have been started", W's words. W wants to get a job and "at least try to keep the house, wouldn't you want that for me and your kids?".
Happily go along? Be agreeable, cooperate with her, (without signing away my rights), be happy and agree with whatever she says?
I'm at an impasse on this one and the clock is ticking.
Well if it were me I'd kindly but firmly tell my wife that I don't want a divorce therefore I'm not going to make it happen or pay for it. If that's what she wants, then she needs to get a job and earn the money to do it herself, and that you'll comply legally when the time comes, but that in the meantime she can help get the bills caught up and don't put any further hardships on the kids.
In other words, be a leader in acting responsibly and rationally, not emotionally. But you have got to detach and put NO PRESSURE on her at all. Make living with you a joy instead of a burden. Be a great father and husband in everything while backing off the interpersonal stuff enough to make her comfortable. Spend time together as a family but don't manipulate or press her for alone time between you two.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
