I can respond to this because I heard a little bit of Dr. Laura tonight (she knows men perfectly). Men are action oriented creatures, we are physical in nature. We don't want to talk, we want to do. Men communicate through action, not words. If you ever watch men when they get together, they don't "talk", they "bond". Bonding tends to be very action oriented, they are either doing something physical like a sport, or they are TALKING about action. They are NOT directly getting in touch with their emotions.
So mens PRIMARY way of expressing emotion is through sex, thats what makes them men. To change this would make men .... women. God DESIGNED men this way. So men need women to speak to them WITHOUT WORDS! We all know that better communication is needed in marriage, but for men, this means the women must speak to him in HIS language, and that is through action, not words. And the PRIMARY means of doing this is through sex and physcial touch, and it will ALWAYS be that way.
Cemar, I'm not buying it, but it does make for a good deflection.
I agree that men tend to be action-oriented problem-solvers, but they aren't born suppressing their emotions. We are all human and we are all emotional beings. Men learn from their fathers, coaches, and other male figures and even their mothers that in order to be "real men" they must suppress their emotions, not cry, be a "big boy," etc. Suppressing a basic part of oneself is not healthy.
There are books on this topic, including one that cac bought for me while I was pg with S4: "Real Boys" by William Pollack, PhD, a clinical psychologist and codirector of the Center for Men at McLean Hospital/Harvard Medical School. He is an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the Harvard Medical School, and a founding member and Fellow of the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity of the American Psychological Association.
Here's an excerpt from the Introduction:
Quote:
[Pollack] argues that there is enormous cultural confusion about how to raise our sons. He finds several causes for boys' current crisis of meaning. One is the early and harsh pressure to disconnect from their families that occurs when boys are toddlers and again in adolescence. Another reason is what he calls the "Boy Code," the rules and expectations that come from outdated and highly dysfunctional gender stereotypes. He tells of a boy, severely taunted at school, who grew more depressed even as he told his parents and teachers, "'Everything's just fine.'" And of a small sensitive boy who was not ready to part with his mother the first day of kindergarten. Johnny was shamed into letting go of her hand and, weeks later, he was still sobbing and throwing up after his mother dropped him off at school.
Pollack discusses how boys are made to feel ashamed of their vulnerable feelings and how they are called sissies or mamma's boys if they stay too sensitive or open.
Boys get mixed messages, "to be manly but empathetic, cool but open, strong yet vulnerable." They are misunderstood if they act tough, and misunderstood if they act nice. So many boys grow up avalanched by macho images that are unmitigated by the influence of real, kind men such as their grandfathers.
Pollack believes in boys' "hidden yearning for relationships." He argues that boys need more nurturing and permission to express their feelings than they currently get. They need emotionally present fathers with uniquely fatherly gifts such as father-son play. They need their mothers. Pollack empathizes with mothers who are expected to push sons away and yet are still held responsible for their sons' emotional health and behavior. A mother's central dilemma is, "How can I give the boy the love he needs and still prepare him for tough male culture?" Pollack sees relationships with parents as boys' main salvation. His bottom-line advice is excellent: "Stay connected, no matter what."
Pollack eloquently describes action love, or how boys and men show by kind deeds rather than speeches that they have strong affectionate feelings.
