Words cannot convey how much your individual & collective thoughts & hugs mean to me. I feel honored to know each one of you, to have you in my life & to call every one of you Friend. If it's true that we grow strong thru adversity, then I surely have a team of giants on my side.
Some misc. thoughts of the past few days. . .
As an adult, my strength has never really been tested before. I've never had my heart broken, no deaths of anyone close to me, no serious illnesses (well, one, but I was too dumb to know it at the time & lived thru it w/o any treatment - luck?), nor even any serious illnesses or heartaches that I shared thru someone close to me. There has been no trauma, no drama - and no testing of this strength I always felt in me. So, while I feel like crying out to God, "Okay, Stop! I get it. I get it. I GET IT!", obviously, there's more for me to learn.
Last night I was trying to explain to Friend-P why it is I cannot give up this fight for my M & how it is that I find the strength again & again. (She knows from previous talks about how DBing has given me strength, insight, courage, etc.) and I said it's like I'm crossing a raging river. It's not possible for me to stay on the side I was on. I HAVE TO either cross or be sucked downstream, tossed about w/NO control, no idea where it will lead, & (b/c I will have no way to use any strength or wisdom or choices against the wild & out of control rapids) no way to avoid the dangers. I have no choice but to cross to the other shore. I KNOW that's my destination. I KNOW God has a better life planned for me/the Better J once I reach it. And I KNOW that He's helping me cross this river b/c surely He has made each one of the large rocks or small stones appear in my path since even before I knew I needed them. They are not there all at once, and sometimes I have to stand still in one place for a while to get my balance & learn something (patience? trust? a life lesson?) but the next one always appears. And since I cannot see to the other side, I don't know how much further I need to go. It could be so far away that, if I DID know I would surely think it impossible & give up; or it could be just a few more steps. I just don't know. But, no matter, my choices are to continue on; quit & jump into the rapids; or see how long I can stand still wherever I am, but knowing that's not a destination in itself. To do other than continue crossing would be like throwing all the previous previous stepping stones & all the ones yet to come - each one a gift - back to the Giver. I KNOW I cannot do this (or ANY part of my life, esp right now) by myself. I would not have skipped over any one of the stones for my path, even if I could. I can be strong b/c I know there is a reason, and a path, and a wonderful final destination.
Thank you, my Stepping Stones, my DBing friends, for being in my path.
Hmmm, philisophical a bit this morning, huh?
Now, Lyrael, your post touched me very much. I'm honored by your words and recognize a(nother) strong person when I hear her. Yes, this is (just a) "Season". Like the cold CT winters when I was young that seemed to last forever too long when we concentrated on the miserableness of the circumstances. But Spring came every year. Sometimes sooner; sometimes later. But it came. Thank you for reminding me.
Finally - Please, all, help me get back to Basics. I'm re-reading DB/DR today from pg.1 like it's the first time. Obviously, while it worked and WAS working (on ME/MY attitude & my life), I let H's actions convince me otherwise, that ours was a "special" case, & that I had to find/do something different. Not so. So back to Square One. What is that I tell newcomers?
-Stop focusing on H -GAL -180's -NO R TALKS!!!
Off to shower & dress. Kids will be here in an hr or so. (H already called this morn. but I didn't answer & he didn't leave a vm. Oh, shoot, he's at the garage...
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
So, altho I told H when he asked that he could bring the kids back to me this morn. either before 8:30 or after 10:15, he first CALLS at 8:30 and then comes right on over at 8:40. But, oh yeah, I also remember telling him that he was not to just show up at my door any more. If he was coming, he needed to call ahead of time. So -- He listened, huh?
Anyway, when I heard the garage door open, I scooted into my bathroom & started the shower. Spent a while in there getting dressed & made-up (and hearing the kids outside my closed bedroom door). Soon after I came out, H is knocking at the utility room door. I was in D's room. He knocks again, calls out "Hello?" & comes in. Says to S "Is your mother here?" and then sees me coming around the corner. "Can I wash my hands? [showing me] -- From the truck." I nodded towards the kitchen sink he was near & calmly went into my bedroom, closing the door. He had hooked his boat up to his new truck & soon after, left.
Deep breath.
Step 1: Get back to Detached. Get off any signs of emotion towards/at H, what he does, what he says, what he will do or say.
Oh, can I just post a (lol) backslide from yest. tho? Really, it's nothing & doesn't change a thing (ESP - don't worry - not my focus!) but I just want to share. BFF was one of the 100 friends who called me yest. & when she made a comment about how ba!!sy H was to introduce his GF to my long-time BFF (her), I finally asked, "So, tell me, is she pretty?" Honest-to-God, her answer did not phase me. Even the girls at dinner last night didn't get how UNphased I was by the info. Weird, but true. It's NOT about her, who she is, how long he's been w/her, whatever. But (oh, I wish you could hear my tone!) apparently BFF describes her as a "6" - and not Girl-Next-Door cute or pretty but like Girl-Who-Has-to-TRY-to-Look cute or pretty. She called her "bar-girl" attractive. Fake boobs (not that there's anything wrong w/that!) & tiny hips (and, H was forever telling me he was NOT a boob guy but was a 'from the waist to the bottom of the tush' man) w/shoulder-length brown hair (much like mine, only mine is more red/auburn from the sun now) & big blue eyes (If she'd been a blonde I would have eaten my keyboard. H never cared for blondes. It was always brunettes w/blue eyes. Like me.) She could have been anywhere from 25-35 but was prolly 30 dressing younger (mini-skirt & white hoodie) and had (I love this part, hehe) an obvious orange (rub-on) tan & chipped red nail polish. (BFF notices hands on everyone!) Now, I ask you, what woman having an affair (or woman flying 100's of miles to spend a week w/her BF) neglects her nails? LOL. Both BFF & kids say she is "nice" and I'm sure she is. So - just wanted to pass along that visual.
So, GALing -- After private P.session last night, Friend-P came over & we drove to Orlando for dinner, meeting Friend-A, her mom (wonderful woman - we exchanged cards), another Friend P & her 9yr old D. Since I missed my exit (talking too much while driving; bad, bad habit of mine) & didn't get to the rest. until nearly 9pm, we ended up closing the rest. down, then sat outside talking for an hour more. It ws so late I wasn't even hungry when my food came & I picked at the past & chicken, but then split a Torta Cioccolatta w/Friend-P (mini dense choc cake w/oozy choc in the center sitting in a puddle of vanilla bean ice cream w/a scoop on the side & choc sauce & cinnamon sprinkled all over. Helllooo! Yum!!!) Anyway, the eve was fun & we've made plans to do an every-other-week girl's night dinner rotating houses. I'm going to volunteer to do the first one!
Okay, enough about me. I'll get back to "What about YOU?" a bit later.
Last edited by stillme; 07/11/0702:22 PM.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
Hey still! Glad to see you back and ready to get down to business! You may not have gone through hardships in the past, but it looks like you're as prepared as anyone!
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Step 1: Get back to Detached. Get off any signs of emotion towards/at H, what he does, what he says, what he will do or say.
Great first step! To be realistic, this will be much harder now that you know about OW, but keep reminding yourself that this is an absolute necessity. This is a major player in your strength right now.
Obviously the OW isn't the bombshell many of us worry about in our sitch's (FWIW, I picture you much more attractive than the OW you described -- though the bahamas pic doesn't do you justice! ). I don't think there's anything backsliding about asking what she looks like though -- we've all got to know stuff like this because, like Michele says, we need to know what we're dealing/competing with. For me, I know that I'm better looking, more educated, more wealthy, younger and healthier than OM, but the OM is able to provide W with the EN (emotional needs) and support that she has been lacking from me for so long. Accordingly to W's good friend, "OM makes W feel like everything is about her." This sucks because I know that this is what women need the most in an R/M, and now that I know I really don't have the opportunities to provide it for her. Nonetheless, this knowledge may still come in handy if and when the opportunities arise. So, the more you know about OW and why H likes her, the better you can compete with that. Also, the more you know about her faults/weaknesses, the more you can exploit them by accentuating your strengths in those departments. Detaching is absolutely the most important right now, but what I just mentioned should be duelly (sp?) noted too -- just not sure when the right time to address it is.
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I missed my exit (talking too much while driving; bad, bad habit of mine)
ME TOO!!! I once drove around a block 3 times before finally pulling into the Subway parking lot!
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Anyway, the eve was fun & we've made plans to do an every-other-week girl's night dinner rotating houses. I'm going to volunteer to do the first one!
Now that sounds like an excellent idea and lots of fun! What do you think you'll make? I love to cook (W NEVER cooked -- didn't really know how), so I'm always all ears for new recipes and ideas.
Again, glad you're back still -- was kind worried about you there for a minute, but now I know I shouldn't have been!
He knocks again, calls out "Hello?" & comes in. Says to S "Is your mother here?" and then sees me coming around the corner. "Can I wash my hands? [showing me] -- From the truck." I nodded towards the kitchen sink he was near & calmly went into my bedroom, closing the door. He had hooked his boat up to his new truck & soon after, left.
Deep breath.
Does he just randomly stop by a lot like this? It's odd to me - he chose your house to come wash his hands, made sure to ask if you were there, then asked your permission. That's interesting.
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But (oh, I wish you could hear my tone!) apparently BFF describes her as a "6" - and not Girl-Next-Door cute or pretty but like Girl-Who-Has-to-TRY-to-Look cute or pretty. She called her "bar-girl" attractive. Fake boobs (not that there's anything wrong w/that!) & tiny hips (and, H was forever telling me he was NOT a boob guy but was a 'from the waist to the bottom of the tush' man) w/shoulder-length brown hair (much like mine, only mine is more red/auburn from the sun now) & big blue eyes (If she'd been a blonde I would have eaten my keyboard. H never cared for blondes. It was always brunettes w/blue eyes. Like me.) She could have been anywhere from 25-35 but was prolly 30 dressing younger (mini-skirt & white hoodie) and had (I love this part, hehe) an obvious orange (rub-on) tan & chipped red nail polish. (BFF notices hands on everyone!) Now, I ask you, what woman having an affair (or woman flying 100's of miles to spend a week w/her BF) neglects her nails? LOL. Both BFF & kids say she is "nice" and I'm sure she is. So - just wanted to pass along that visual.
Honestly, it's really hard to even contemplate any OW as a real person. It's been three years, but each OW's appearance is burned into my memory. I did use to compare myself to them, sometimes unfavorably, but then I decided to understand that they obviously don't have the same values as I do, and they may have unspeakably tiny hips (one girl was way shorter, way skinnier, and smoked - which my husband always said he hated). My worth and value as a wife, a woman, and a person had nothing to do with her, or my husband's decisions. Definitely spend more time contemplating how beautiful you are, and seeing yourself through a loving lens.
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Anyway, the eve was fun & we've made plans to do an every-other-week girl's night dinner rotating houses. I'm going to volunteer to do the first one!
Friendship with other women is such a source of strength and renewal - good for you for tapping into this. Having fun and making your life (even without J) a life worth living is really important. He hasn't filed yet. Usually, guys who want a divorce, file for a divorce. You can treat him like you would a distant acquaintance if you want. Treat him neutrally, and he will eventually feel stupid trating you in such an angry way.
I'm thinking about you - remember, you're doing a wonderful job of DBing, dealing with the pain of being separated, and rebuilding your life. I am so proud of you!
Hugs, Lyrael
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Lyrael, to answer you about H dropping by to wash his hands, etc. . . .Tho H moved into an apt literally 5 min. away across the street & took everything that was his (except his bbq thingie), we agreed he could keep his boat in our garage (plus all other misc garage stuff like air compressors, tool chests, etc). In exchange, he offered to maintain the lawn (since then indicating that I was NOT to use the riding mower for so as not to tear up the lawn which he would have to pay to repair/replace - more control issues) and my car. This is only going on so long as we are S, and have no formal S Agreement; and we both can change this at any time.
Anyway, b/c of this and b/c of the constant kid-sharing and b/c H - for wahtever reasons - feels the need, he stops by (yeah, w/o calling - tho that's apparently changed now). He also makes frequent and frequently-unnecessary phone calls to me/house. If the kids are home, I get them to answer, and most times he declines talking to me when the kids ask. Sometimes he'll tell me "non-things" like 'I paid the bills, but there's no extra money for emergencies' or 'What time did you say X was?' or 'What size shoe does D wear?' (for the 3rd time).
So, his coming in the house this morn. was b/c once he got here & hitched his boat up to his truck & (maybe?) tinkered w/something in/on his truck he got his hands dirty. If it's not that, then he needs a drink after mowing the lawn, or wants to kiss the kids b/f he leaves, or needs to spew something ugly at me. My plan is to now be behind closed doors for the most part if/when he's here, or leave entirely.
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Usually, guys who want a divorce, file for a divorce. You can treat him like you would a distant acquaintance if you want. Treat him neutrally, and he will eventually feel stupid trating you in such an angry way.
This is my thought, too, but oh it's so hard to remember "in the moment". But thanks for the reminder.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
Finally - Please, all, help me get back to Basics. I'm re-reading DB/DR today from pg.1 like it's the first time. Obviously, while it worked and WAS working (on ME/MY attitude & my life), I let H's actions convince me otherwise, that ours was a "special" case, & that I had to find/do something different. Not so. So back to Square One. What is that I tell newcomers?
-Stop focusing on H -GAL -180's -NO R TALKS!!!
You can wear yourself out thinking about your sitch too much, To take a step back and refresh yourself is important right now .
