Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Trixi]

Well, as it turns out, we talked tonight.

We have decided that he will be the one to move out to an apartment.

I told him that I didn't want to buy a house given that I didn't think he was sure he wanted a divorce. My reason: we aren't fighting, we still like each other and we obviously are still quite attracted to each other. He agreed that he isn't absolutely sure, BUT we need to separate so that he can actually choose me. (As opposed to how this relationship started which was mostly because he felt I would be a good mother for his son.)

I think the only way for him to be absolutely sure he wants me is for him to miss me, to know what his life would be without me. He says he has no problem with the idea of coming back if that's what he wants.

I told him I was open to dating him and he was glad.

This turns my stomach, BUT he says that if he meets someone that he feels a connection with and they want to have sex, he will do it. He isn't moving out with the intention to meet a woman, but if he does....I said "so you wouldn't care if I scr*wed some guy?" and he said "well, I wouldn't hold it against you. We're separated. I don't want to know about it, though."

He had known that we would be needing to have this conversation; he wondered when I was going to speak up about the booty call. He saw that we were starting to slip into our same old habits.

I'm heart sick to have my best-friend be moving out, someone I have spent over 25% of my life with.

I can only hope that the love I know he has for me will bring him home. The time apart will give me the opportunity to make myself grow as a person. I have become so focused on trying to save my marriage that other parts of my life have been ignored.

I wish it hadn't come to this; I wish we could have made it work without such drastic measures; without risking the fidelity of the marriage. That part really, really makes me sick.

And so, there it is.