NikkiB #17

[NikB]

All of you are all so amazing - thank you for your support.

I feel bad that I've gotten so far behind! I'll reply to you individually soon, promise!! Here's a semi-brief overview of my last couple of weeks. What a rollercoaster. My head is spinning.

- 6/30 - 7/1: went racing with H for the weekend. Had a GREAT time. Hung out with a lot of different people and made some new friends, even. Very cool.

- 7/2 and 7/3: did some fun GAL stuff... got my nails done, did some shopping, stuff like that. Nothing earth shattering but took some time out to focus on me.

- 7/4: a really great day in terms of R/M. We were finally going out boating for the first time this year and I was SO excited. Always something that we loved to do together (or at least, I always thought we both did...). Anyway... the boat motor blew up, just a few minutes into it. Blech. So we got towed back, and ended up going back out with some other friends of ours. I forget what else even went wrong, but it seemed like all day long stuff was going haywire, but we were having fun. That night we watched an absolutely amazing fireworks show. We snuggled up on the bow of our friends' boat and it was just so neat... felt very close. Some very passionate kisses, just sooo great. On the way home H said "I had a really good time with you today. Even with all the things that went bad, I had a really good time." I said "Thanks - me too." H slept the rest of the way home, but that was really sweet I thought. It was the most honest and genuine he's sounded in awhile.

- Rest of the week was back to work, nothing too exciting.

- Friday night I call H to check what time he'll be home because he was going to do some work on my mom's car. And lovely, I hear OW/PW in the background. I hung up immediately - just a reflex. H called back about 20 minutes later to tell me they were at some happy hour thing and explain that "It's not just me and her, there are a bunch of people here." GEEZ like we haven't had this conversation before - and he had the nerve to ask if it was OK!!!! I said "No, it's not OK with me, and you know that." I was still thinking about what to say next when H said "Are you mad at me?" I said "Mad, disappointed, hurt, yeah that's a start." That night he went out to dinner with his mom and sister (yes, that's really where he went - they came over before and rode over together). Apparently his sister is having a tough time with her separation or something so they were going out to cheer her up. I stayed home and talked to my mom for awhile, played with the dog, worked on my fish tank. Nothing major but it was fun and I kept my mind off things for at least a little while. Not long enough.. but awhile.

- Saturday... did some fun stuff most of the day, caught up on chores, did some work around the house. H went out shopping all day with his sister to buy new "more stylish" clothes. It seemed like they had fun but I just had this sick feeling in my stomach all day that those new stylish clothes are to impress someone other than me... or to try and find someone other than me to impress. I know, that's MY problem and it's not rational, but it's there. He really did have some VERY outdated clothes and the new stuff is nice. I did my best "as if" and acted the way I'd hope for if I was excited about my new outfits - so I complimented him, said it looked good on him etc. Saturday night we went out to dinner and dancing for awhile - had a lot of fun.

- Sunday... awesome day. I was feeling really close to H, he was being very sweet. We did a ton of yardwork together and then skinny dipped in the pool (haven't done that in ummm YEARS) and well, just generally had a great time together. Then I had to drive to the bay area for work - we talked a few times while I was driving. Again just felt NORMAL. Typing it now it's hard to even believe what happened Friday.. it's so close together but my mind is playing tricks on me, making it feel like it's weeks ago or something. I need to wake up.

Why or how I keep doing this... keep trying to piece when he's choosing to blatantly disrespect and hurt me?? I don't know. I guess I'm trying to find this balance between making time together pleasant so he WANTS to be with me vs. realizing I'm becoming a doormat (again) and putting myself in a very unhealthy position. Which leads to..

- Monday... un-freaking-believable. I had dinner with my bro - who is doing great!!! I was so glad. The 5LL book I got him for Christmas seemed to be at just the right time. They're happier than they've been in a long time and he and my SIL are now talking about having kids. Wow!!!

Then I drove back from the bay area, was supposed to call H when I left but he wasn't answering (historically NOT a good sign but I tried not to make too much out of it). He got home shortly after me and had apparently been up the street at the neighbors sharing his race video - cool. But he was also acting half cocky and half guilty about something. We were talking about our days/evenings but something was just OFF. At one point H said "We had a really good 4th huh? And Sunday was great too, we had a really great Sunday. Saturday wasn't as good." I thought that was kind of weird... is he scoring us day by day now or something??? I validated mostly and asked why he thought Saturday wasn't as good, he just said in this strange tone "It just wasn't."

He was still acting really weird, and kept almost taunting me by talking about stuff right after work and then the neighbor's, but making it really obvious that there was a several hour gap in there. So this was bad, I know, but I am just about done giving a s**t if I do things wrong. I asked "So, where were you in those couple hours you keep leaving out?" He said (again half cocky) "Out." I said "Who with?" and he said "Friends." I said "I deserve to know, it makes a difference in my life too." He said "[PW] and [PW's latest boyfriend]." I didn't even think before this came out of my mouth: "Oh. So when are you moving out?"

H didn't reply, just went to bed. I slept on the couch half the night and in bed the other half - he tried to rub my back and I asked him not to touch me. Had a dozen or so nightmares/panic attacks. Lovely.

This morning I got up early and got ready for work so we wouldn't be in bed for our usual "snuggle time" after the alarm went off. H was friendly, cheerful as can be, like nothing ever happened. We haven't talked about the moving thing again. I looked at some places today but I really, really don't want to move.. I love my house, my neighbors, my dog loves the yard (and I won't leave her!). But I can't live like this, either, and I can't force H to go. For now I decided I am getting a comfortable futon and setting up a spare bedroom (we don't really have one now). The couch sucks for sleeping on, and I need sleep.

Deep breaths..

How can things go SO well and then SO opposite all in the same week?? I know, I know, it's because I haven't enforced my boundaries. I just don't feel ready right now. I am beating myself up like crazy and need to cut it out.

I know that it's up to me to take action but I am just feeling sick. I'm not ready, but I guess I have to get ready good and quick. Tonight... deep breaths, and find a comfortable place to sleep. Those are my two goals.