chicki's drama continues

[saffie]

Sorry Chicki - I will shut up after this. Just wanted to answer GD's questions.

My H told me about the A. I had been going to see a Clinical Psychologist to learn about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy as I knew things were not right in my M and that the way I behaved toward my H was not comfortable. I found that he was no longer my BF and that I would rather confide in my girlfriends about anything and every thing rather than talk to H. I was very defensive with him all the time, expecting conflict and so always evasive. I ran the finances etc. even tho' I was a stay at home mum and felt I had to control everything. I think I was like this because I had seen that my dad had controlled my mum and had trapped her for many years in a relationship where she was verbally abused. I wanted to make sure I had the control and that the same thing couldn't happen to me.

Through the help I was getting from the Psychologist I got to the point where I wanted to 'come clean' to my H about all my feelings and about how much I missed him. I was too scared to talk to him directly so the CP got me to send my husband an email which he could read and would then have time to digest and think about before talking to me about it.

I expected to be waiting about 5hrs before he came back with a reaction; it was three days. In those three days we existed together but hardly talked.

Finally my H came and told me about the A as a way to start the conversation!!! It had been going on 18 months but they were intimate only about 5 times. He had the A he said because he thought I didn't love him anymore. He thought I loved my horse more than him - and up until he told me about the A I probably did!!!! It's funny what can make you suddenly realise what is really important.

We had a week of complete rollercoaster times. I was nearly committed as I was self harming very badly - something I deeply regret as my children saw things they never should have.

Strangely my H gave me his mobile with the OW's tel no. ready to dial. I can't remember what I said to her to this day but she never went back to his Co. He did say he wanted a few months of being with both her and me so he could decide who he wanted to be with. I wouldn't even consider that and by then the OW had left her H and children and was expecting my H to commit to her. He didn't. So he never actually left home, ( and over the intervening months I have asked him to as I have swung back and forth emotionally).

June 15th 2006 was the last time he slept with OW - my youngest D's 8th B'day. July 4th 2006 was when he told me about the affair. Ten days ago was when, completely unprompted, he told me that he had never loved the OW and that he had just been filling the void that was the gap between us. I REALLY needed to hear that he had never loved OW. The journey now is still long, probably life long. I have learnt many things but am also worried by the amount of things I still need to learn/find. Forgiveness is one. Forgiveness for myself mainly but also for the hurt that we have both caused one another and our children. I did think when I first came to this board that i needed to forgive OW to be able to move on, but now I do not believe that. I am gradually becoming more to believe that I will never forgive her and that that isn't important. Why should I try to forgive a woman that apparently went out of her way to seduce my H and wreck my marriage. It wasn't in great shape but she sure didn't help things along!!! I can't forgive that but I can thank her for showing my how important my H was to me before I lost him.

Hope that all makes sense.

You know, my parents split up the day after my 8th b'day, (due to my dad's problems), BUT THEY ARE TOGETHER AGAIN NOW AND NEVER REALLY LOST THEIR CONNECTION. It took about 7 yrs for them to realise just how much they really did mean to each other but they always kept in contact. Don't give up hope

Saffie