chicki's drama continues

[chicki]

H did make the comment a while back when he was still at home that things btw us as far as arguing were a whole lot better. I have tried difusing his anger in many diff ways like trying to lighten the mood by being funny ,but H sees that as "making fun of him". So no matter what I tried I was always the bad guy.
GD,
My H is a control freak. The only thing though its like he sees woamen like the old style of "cooking ,behind the kithcen barefoot and pregnant". I work full time & we have 3 little ones under the age of ten yrs.I was not "allowed" to sit infront of the tv & veg like him on the weekends. I was not allowed to get sick. WHenver I was too tired to do chores or put it off for later he would complain,but he could veg & not lift a finger on anything.

His significance of "father of the year" is that he would pay & takes us to amusement parks(he is the biggest kid here).BUT when at home he would not have the patience or the time to attend to the girls. I think that makes a father,doing homework,reading to them, spending qulaity time.We would mainly go for him. He earns 30 grand more than I. Now he his biggest complaint is that he would pay for all of our outings. Well,unfortunatly unlike him I can't purchase everything I want. I buy all the girls needs first.He is also the "wife" in the sense that he's the big spender (on stuff for himself only),clothes.sport events.,etc.

Itskat,
I get what you mean about H running the show. When it was time to go out the girls had to dress w/ what he wanted them to wear. I could never dress them correctly according to him.We had to go where he wanted & when he wanted.

If h does move back I will continue to GAL b/c he will expect that to stop even though he will still go where he pleases. This time around I will not put off my plans if he doesn't want to join in the family outings.

H feels that when he is in the right I should just listen and not have an opinion(sort of like his Jewish boses) not offense to any Jews.

[chicki]

CVA,
The motivation part is that I would get no words of approval or praise/compliments. H would say he does not get this from me either,but the key diff w/me is I don't NEED CONSTANT positive reinforcement like he does. That takes alot of work and I can understand the kids needing that but him? I know I just have to change my mindset.

Like the other day(I get more compliments/appreciation from my little ones) than him, I reorganized the two little ones room & got rid of a lot of unwanted toys(done this before,but now I rid fo a whole lot more).The girls were so excited by the neatness in their room when H came by to p/u the kids they insisted look daddy look at our room! H actually said- Wow! This looks great!this is what I've wanted for years (yeah & I never did it before)hmm...

[Gone Dancin']

I see part of the problem with H is that he is always focused on what he wants and what he thinks is in the best interests of you and the kids. Your opinions aren't valid to him because he knows all. This sounds a lot like the old me -- the money and all! Nothing you ever do is good enough -- it must be done EXACTLY how he wants it, whenever he wants it, or it just isn't right (he will find something to be critical about). Does this sound about right?

[chicki]

YES!! How did you come to realize you were doing this??? Please enlighten me!! It is really getting tiring & it wears a woman down ...exhausting

[Not Much Left]

Ohhhhhh
Chicki and GD
That was me too! Hopefully "was". The realization should be when you say "enough" and basically show him what he is losing. That is what smacks most of us back to the reality that we screwed up not only our lives but the ones we love most around us, namely our Ws.

[chicki]

WHat about this recent threat?? He is much bigger than me and I can see him kicking me out of the bedroom. Oh I don't know physically I dont have the man power. All he has to do is pick me up and put me to the side and get all my things out.

H knows I can stand up for myself. Heck I threw his butt out. Now w/ the thinking of another man in the picture he wants back in the house. How do I show him enough is enough when he is coming back for the wrong reasons? ANd legally I can't keep him out of the house??

Do I need to file myself to get him to fully wake up?

[Gone Dancin']

Chicki,

Do I need to file myself to get him to fully wake up?

Okay, now we're getting into dangerous waters. It very well could be what he needs to wake up, but you would also have to show him complete detachment (no wavering, maybes, etc). You would really have to cause him to feel like the coffin is being sealed with the final nail. However...

This should be the very LRT! You must be prepared for this to have no affect on H and to follow through with the D and move on. You can't use it and then back out of it if it doesn't work. That will just show H that he has complete control of the sitch, and it will really work against him ever changing (because he would see that he doesn't have to -- you don't have the courage to leave him for good).

It is what worked to get me to see the light, but it took several months for it all to sink in, so if you went through with it don't expect any quick fixes or revelations on H's behalf. His pride would be wounded and he would likely be angry for a spell -- at which point my earlier suggestions to consistently excuse yourself from ANY conversation or communication that became volatile comes into play.

My suggestion at this point would be to just go as dark as possible. Communicate only when it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY (i.e. about the kids and such), and when you do communicate, be short and sweet, and be happy and confident. "Act as if" your life is just peachy without him. Let him call and email you, and let the majority of his calls go to VM and wait for a spell to respond to his emails. Let him become curious about you and where you're headed (i.e. get him to question "WTF is going on with her?"). Show him a woman that is done playing his game, and (with time) I'll bet I can show you a man who begins seeing the light. I can't say this will work for sure, but it something to consider.

What are your thoughts on this? Anyone else out there have an opinion?

GD

[saffie]

GD,

My brain and my hands weren't engaged when I was typing my comment, (and I had a kid trying to get me off the pc), sorry. I MEANT to type that your advice was GOOD to follow from what I had read and that you had obviously been through some hard soul searching times to get to the point that you were at. I am full of admiration for what you say and how much you have taken a good hard look at yourself and decided to change things. Soz that I didn't take more time/ care with my comment. It was definately a compliment.

Saffie

[Gone Dancin']

saffie --

Oh, sorry too -- I guess I probably just didn't read it right then. Thanks for the compliment (really)! It truly is amazing what us LBS's can come to reflect on, admit to, and work on when our WAS's completely abandon us isn't it?

I wish my W would be able to believe what you and chicki have said -- I wish I had the opportunities to show her more often. However, since I don't, I'll just have to settle in for the long haul and just wait and see. Time and patience, right? I'm one of the most impatient people I know, so this is definitely a 180 for me!

GD

[saffie]

For what it's worth, I go with GD again.

I wouldn't inflame the anger side at all. I wld even be tempted to STOP any thoughts that he may have of you being involved elsewhere.Take the heat away from the situation as much as possible. WE know that you are not, and after what your H has done why shouldn't you be? But is it worth all the anger and threats it brings with it. Just the thought that there may be someone else is winding him up. That doesn't mean he still wants you but it could do. How can you ever know from what is going on when he is angry? - he won't be communicating at his best then. Human nature unfortunatley is a wierd thing and just coz he may not WANT you at this moment in time it doesn't mean that anyone else can HAVE you to him. I know that's not fair and not right but he can't see that; especially if he's angry. If that is the situation he can only get to realise it over time.

I'd go as dark as poss and like GD say's not say anything to give him an excuse to be angry. YOU KNOW that you are doing the right thing and behaving the right way - let that be enough.

From what you have said before , you seem to have been able to reduce his aggression previously by avoiding his anger and defusing it - Go for that approach again - you've proven before that it can help your sitch.

Good luck

Saffie