Gone Dancin's Dilemma, 2

[OneWish]

can't really say she was getting choked up, but at one point it seemed like she had to fight back some tears (she was looking down so I couldn't really tell).

GoneDancing,

You like to be rational, correct? You are going through a difficult time and so is your W. She is considering leaving this M and she knows that in her heart that the this is not good for the kids. She knows that her future is uncertain. You did well by apologizing and now she faces the guilt and responsibility for what happens from this point on. Sure, you made an irrational decision by filing, but you un-did that mistake and apologized. You need to be forgiven. You want to make this M work and you are handling yourself well. Women are emotional and they solely rely on their feelings. Whatever their feelings tell them to do, they do. Your W seems to be friendly with you. I picture a woman wanting a D to be grouchy and other things. Don't allow fear to stop you from getting what you want. We fear that we won't be loved again by our spouse. We fear rejecting. Don't let this control you.

I have a question for you. Why do you want your W back? In order to be more action oriented, you need 'Reasons' before you can start to get solutions. Once you really think about why you want your W back you will know what to do. Keep trying. I can't stress this enough. If she reacts in a bad way, do not do it again. Try something else.

Good Luck!

[Nomopo]

Catching up on your sitch GD, but I wanted to say I loved Sunny's post from Saturday.

In reading your thread over again, I saw where W said she wanted a "clean slate" & nothing from the past, etc. In thinking of diff. ways to stall/stop D action, could you maybe add this into letting her know somehow (haven't thought of best way yet), that you completely agree w/ her wanting a clean slate & her wanting to let go of the past, & add that a D is always possible later. You both see things the same way now & agree that she needs space. [. . .] Not right away, as you agreed, but maybe 2 wks b/f final date so you can keep DBing.

I love this idea. Let's work on it.

Sunny also reminded me of the trial. Where does that stand? Is it tomorrow? Good luck. Thinking of you.

Your friend,
Nomopo

[Nomopo]

GD - agree with all the feedback on your R talk with W. You did well (excelolent on the fly). BTW, Sunny's brilliant point may not apply now, I guess since you discussed the unfiling, but I'm not sure. As for WOAs, what does Chapman recommend besides compliments?

Lookikng forward to hearing from you soon, hopefully post-acquittal or dismissal!

Nomo

[Gone Dancin']

Thanks O and Nomo,

O,

Your W seems to be friendly with you. I picture a woman wanting a D to be grouchy and other things. Don't allow fear to stop you from getting what you want.

She's friendly enough, I guess, but I wouldn't call it warm and caring by any means. It is definitely better than it has been in the past, but it still has a long way to go before I actually believe she has "in love" feelings for me again (or feelings that allow her to consider reconciliation). Time and patience, right? I do feel like we're headed in the right direction, but it is crawling at more or less a snail's pace.

I think that when a D is in the works and the LBS is being helpful, friendly, happy, etc, it allows the WAS who wants the D to feel less stressed out about it. My W sees the potential to have an amicable split, so why would she be grouchy, and what would she have reason to be grouchy for? I see your point, but I've done nothing but be supportive and accomodating, while simultaneously giving her lots of space -- she has no reason to be grouchy. I'd like to think this means she considering, but I strongly believe she is not (at least at this point).

Also, it's not that I fear this, but rather accept it as darn near inevitable. I have high hopes but low expectations (if that makes sense). My W is a very passive person -- she has never been one to initiate much of anything (stems from some rough childhood experiences), so I don't think that she would tell me how she feels and what is going on in her head and heart even if she wanted to. That's also why reading her is so difficult. She's not what one might classify a typical woman in this regard. She doesn't wear her emotions on her sleeve too much, and I think at this point she still needs so much more time (SO MUCH MORE) to even get to a point where she would consider reconciliation. I can only control me, and doing this alone can get me far, but cannot necessarily get me "what I want". Just being "rational" -- .

Nomo,

I ended up accepting a plea bargain and didn't take it to trial. It is actually my 2nd DUI in ten years (got one back in 2001 right after my mom passed away). They dropped the charge down to a 1st time DUI offense and dropped the resisting and obstructing on officer (which was total bs anyway). If I would've fought it and lost, I was looking at losing my license for two years and getting a harsh ass whooping by the judge. If I didn't have the kids, I would've probably taken my chances, but I decided that it was in the best interests of my kids to accept the plea bargain. Oh well, life could be worse (I guess... ).

Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
In reading your thread over again, I saw where W said she wanted a "clean slate" & nothing from the past, etc. In thinking of diff. ways to stall/stop D action, could you maybe add this into letting her know somehow (haven't thought of best way yet), that you completely agree w/ her wanting a clean slate & her wanting to let go of the past, & add that a D is always possible later. You both see things the same way now & agree that she needs space. [. . .] Not right away, as you agreed, but maybe 2 wks b/f final date so you can keep DBing.

I like the idea too, but I feel like it will be unsuccessful because of OM. She is close to him right now, and I don't think she would be willing to stay separated mainly because of him. I think she cares too much about how such a choice would affect him and her R with him. If he wasn't in the picture, I think I might have a chance, but at this point I'm not sure it will do any good. What do you think about doing it while she's with OM? I'm open to kicking the idea around and working on it like you said.

As for WOAs, what does Chapman recommend besides compliments?

Besides compliments, Chapman says WOA are also words of encouragement, kind words (this one is hard to grasp, but seems to have to do with tone of voice and forgiveness), words of appreciation, and humble words (which means makes polite requests vs. demands). Chapman also suggests to use indirect WOA by saying positive things about W when she isn't present (so to or in front of the kids, IL's, mutual friends, etc.). He also suggests affirming W in front of others while she's present (which seems kind of difficult in my current sitch). Written WOA are also suggested.

If you have any other ideas guys (and all others), I'm open to hearing them and kicking them around with everyone.

Thanks for the support!

GD

[Gone Dancin']

I feel left out today --

Bumpity, bump bump -- ?

[Nomopo]

I read your update this morning. All sounded good. The plea sounded like the right way to go. Glad that is behind you.

On W's LL, I think you can go with compliments and words of appreciation most easily, and also use humble words (which means makes polite requests vs. demands), which I suspect you are already doing. I also think the indirect WOA to the kids, maybe her family and common friends, is a great idea. And on some of those, especially to the kids, you can do it even if she is standing right there. When we were still having family dinners, I frequently built W up in front of the group, mainly by talking about how she was kicking butt at work. On written WOA, seems like that might best be accomplished through words of appreciation.

Later,
Nomopo

[C_K]

GD

Your W sound exactly like mine in not showing emotion easily. She can generaly bottle things up very well.
Knowing my W even if she wanted to return to an R with me I dont think she would do it right now.

Dave

[Gone Dancin']

Dave,

I disagree -- your W sounds like she shows much more emotion than mine. She speaks her mind a lot more IMO. For her whole life, my W has pretty much kept her feelings and emotions bottled up. She would get them out in journals, and would rarely express them to me. However, I think our W's are the same in that even if they wanted to come back, they just couldn't bring themselves to initiate the converstation about doing so. It would just be too hard for them, esp after what they've put us through by leaving (and regarding my W, also by being with OM).

Nomes,

I agree with everything you said about addressing W's WOA LL, but would like to get your opinion about bringing up the "new R with a clean slate" thing with W. I think I'd like to do this, but I think the only appropriate time would be at the signing of the D papers. Thoughts on this?

Thanks guys!

GD

[Nomopo]

I agree with everything you said about addressing W's WOA LL, but would like to get your opinion about bringing up the "new R with a clean slate" thing with W. I think I'd like to do this, but I think the only appropriate time would be at the signing of the D papers. Thoughts on this?

I still like this idea, but wasn't sure if you thought the opportunity had passed after this weekend's discussion with W about the unfiling attempt. I guess I don't think it has. Remind me again when your D is scheduled to be final - August 18th is in my head. My initial reaction is that bringing it up at the signing event won't give her a realistic chance to consider and act on it. Of course, if you're goal is simply to plant a firmer seed with her that this is not what you want, and not actually to get her to not go through with the D, then maybe the event signing is fine. But my thought is one to two weeks in advance of the signing.

Sunny, this was your idea (props to you). What's your current thinking on it. CVA? Dave? Others? I would love to get Still's feedback on it, but she may need a few days.

Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Oh boy, thats a tough one. I would personally not wait till signing. Why? That is an emotional event despite the fact that she may be wanting it, it will be hard on her to do this. So no I dont think that is an appropriate time.

Just me thinking out loud.