Hey Atlas - Great posts. Been catching up on your sitch. Unfortunately, it's like reading my own journal. I'm pretty much in the same boat. Wife dropped S Bomb 4 mons ago. We are still living in the same house but have it on the market to sell. Might take awhile in this market. Wife says she's done and "you can't fix what is beyond repair". We have been avoiding R talk for some time. She sounds like your WAW on once she sets her mind to something that she is too stubborn to change. I hope mine starts wavering like yours does. I think it would have helped if my WAW would have moved out as well. So she could get a feel for the way it will be. I have always done all the bills, and running the household. I also like your WAW don't think she has thought about the weekly schedule with our D.
You seem to be doing an awesome job Dbing. I also am very thankful for the comments posted by everyone including Nomo and GD. You both are very insightful. Hang in there man. And like everyone says just give it time. I have also decided not to file for sep like all my fam and friends have been pushing me to do. My parents sound like yours as well. Telling me that "its over. SHe's moved on. You deserve so much better. You deserve to be happy." I tell them I was happy that's why I married her in the first place. I just don't know who this "alien" is I'm married to now. Just remember that you are the only person that trully knows your wife. What's really in her heart. You are the only one that knows what you should do. So like you have been doing. Set goals for yourself and then be true to yourself. I really think you have the begining of a success story on your hands. Atleast your WAW is opening up to you. Mine hasn't really told me anything other then she's past the point of no return. She's done. She dones't have anything left. But, she hasn't filed and is still going to I couseling like myself. SO focus on the positives. I'm not sure if my wife is waiting to file after we sell the house and she's in her new place. I can't focus on the unknowns but on reality of what she actually does. I also have fought through the snopping stages since we are in the same house still. The 48 hr rule works great.
Anyway, thanks for posting and good luck w everything. BM
The burning bridges comment was the snooping. If she found out, there goes the trust bank to ZERO! I can't do it and all it is doing is confirming what she is saying, which are good things, but it still makes me hurt and upset. I need to sit on my hands, open my ears and shut my trap!
BM thanks for the advice as well. Sounds a lot like mine.
Basically, I have a good portion of friends telling me I'm a doormat and idiot and deserve what I'm feeling. Sort of pissed about this, can't say how many times I've helped these idiots out of stuff and now they won't stand by me. One good friend and his GF are really helping. They are a good support structure, they don't criticize, question, just offer help, I know they think I have lost it, but they are always there to help.
Avoid the family, hers, mine, any of them. Just like the book says, they are biased and just want you to feel better and they only way they know how to do that is get the element of anger out of your life. Um, but don't you see, I want the anger gone too, but her to stay, she smells pretty nice and all and has a better mug then all of you.
Well she came to the picnic, raphled on the blanket. I'm pretty sure by noon today she will deadbolting the draw bridge and heading up to her little spying perch. She will come back out, hopefully I don't get dogged on burgers. If I do, I'll make extra everyone stop by! Charcoal baby!
So the wife just called panicking, all the computer work she did yesterday isn't opening. I walk her through some things and realize that her free access at the apartment is restricted. So I ask her to email it to me and print it up, I'm 2 minutes away.
She comes by my work, all dressed up. What is with that, I'm noticing, I swear!!! (I just switched jobs a few months ago, and so many people here haven't meet my W, when I went back in I got a few compliments, always felt like I wasn't in her league.) I told her she looked nice and she said thank you. DB'ed quickly. She is back in the castle, I could see her discomfort. So I said, well I have to work, you guys better get going. Walked them out, and W said she couldn't do burgers tonight and that she needed to think. While I just got dogged as predicted, her sit and think times are usually good signs.
She seems to be acting a lot better today, I asked if she was OK, and she said yes, and thanked me for listening to her last night. Told her I could help with anything she needs.
She asked if I wouldn't mind watching S tonight and bringing him by before work so she could think tonight. Told her no problem. She smiled and said thanks AGAIN! and left.
Great job, Atlas -- sounds like you did everything exactly right IMO. What do you think about the shopping for her favorite foods, treats, etc, that I suggested? When are you going to be shopping for her and S?
I gotta say, brotha -- you got this DB thing down crazy fast and sound so much better! I'm so stoked for you -- and also wishing I'd have found this sight and figured things out as fast as you have! You still have a great chance of busting this thing IMO. You know what to do, and don't need us anymore -- but I guess I'll still be here if you need affirmation!
Thanks, and I need the affirmation. I think I have only gotten the ball rolling in a direction, hopefully the right direction.
This is going to be a huge process, as I have spent time researching my memory banks, pretty easy they are a huge freaking wharehouse with nothing inside, I continue to find the signs and prior warnings. I've pulled a marriage ultimatum memory out of there that she admitted to. Totally forgot about that. Short of it was, I freaked right before asking her. Everyone knew it was coming, i had amassed a small fortune for the ring and had asked her mother and father (because the divorce) for her hand. Kinda old fashioned, but I guess I am.
So I dump her, and took the money to Vegas. Had a great three days! Realized what an Idiot I was and stopped with about 2/3's of it still. Always been a hot issue in our marriage, she only got 2/3's of the ring. Haha! Well after reverse DB'ing to get her back, she made the ultimatim and I accepted and we were married. What a start.
So there are a lot of issues here. Last night she mentioned that she thinks most of this is her and due to her Mother emotionally collapsing during her marriage, but I told her it takes two to dance, and I have never been there and receptive. I'm working on me, and it will take time. I'm no where near asking what I want, i haven't even left about 8 pages in the back of chapter 5.
Well I did the grocery thing. She showed up tonight and said she told the idiot texting her to take a hike. She hasn't lied to me yet so I believe.
She was talking about how good she felt after my help last night and her breakdown. She gave me a big thank you. I listed and she kept talking. She asked what I felt and I scrwed up, shouldn't have asked but I can't live like this. "Are you going to date during this seperation." Long pause, "Well, no, ya no." So a sort of no. Then she asked me and I said no. She said you can if you want. I told her I didn't need her permission but that it was a choice of mine, and the same for her, she didn't need my permission but it was her choice.
Then she said something pretty smart, "Well what are the consequences?" Oh thanks, I'll stand here and you just kick me ok. I said "Well all choices have consequences, but that is matter of the chooser."
She said that was pretty good, and then reitereated that she wouldn't be. She said she thought she could have a male friend but the two so far just wanted bedroom eyes. I can't believe she is this nieve.
I told her that if she needed anything I was there. She said even if this ends in divorce, I replied, that wasn't a condition of me being your friend, either way I can help.
Well I said I have a lot to do tonight, so why don't I get these groceries in the car for ya. She said I shouldn't have and she needs to be more independent. All I said is I normally wouldn't have invaded her space, but after last night I was worried about both of them, so no problem.
Well she didn't realize what I got, things she likes, and how much. As I kept bringing it out and louding it up she was standing there holding her ben and jerry's crying saying thank you. Got cheescake, her gum, swedish fish, etc.. all the crap but staples too.
I closed the trunk, and turned and said goodbye to S, told him I loved him. Didn'd see her there, but she was waiting to give me a hug, I just caught her in my eye as I started to walk away. I had already committed and would have looked desperate I think, she shrugged and started to her car, before I could turn anyway. I waved and she left crying and waving.
Feel bad for her, she is not in a good place in her head. I think I have to back off and get some more DB'ing rolling. I'm getting great responses but her talk is all about independence. Strange though she shows with the bills asking for help. Well I'll keep helping, but I'm going to start being busier and doing things with friends.
We have talked about this before, so I could use your take on it. Anyone else please chim in.
After wife left, I'm reviewing the caller ID. I see that MIL called. Thought I better, so I called.
MIL is torn up, W won't call her, MIL stated she has left a VM every day for a week and half without a return. She hasn't seen S and is just ripped up.
Told me that she and Step-FIL are taking my side, tried to say there aren't sides, but she said I have heard only her side and this isn't nothing more than communication problems. When MIL tried to tell W that, W stormed out and hasn't see her since.
We talkes about my drinking, and FIL is on the wagon, so she said he is crying about it and would like to see me. She said him and I could hang out and be sober together.
Told her about the breakdown and that she needed to extend herself to W. W is alone and needs help and questions whether my motives are true. So it would be nice if she had someone to talk with. MIL said she will do all she can. She asked when I had S next and if I would bring him over, told her I would be there Saturday.
She told me that W family has been talking and thinks she is in a bad place and making a poor choice. But W won't listen to any of them. I explained that if she keeps pounding her on that, W will only set out to prove her wrong.
She told me that she loved me, that I will always be a part of her family and I'm welcom in her home and need to be there more. Then she asked if I knew what was happening with OM. I told her the latest and the OOM. She said I tried to talk to her about what these men want, but she just dismissed me.
Then she said it would probably help if her and I compared notes on the backend and it would help to fix this family quicker. I think I have to be careful with that one, her decisions can change, so I'll have to watch it.
Told her I loved her and that her and FIL shouldn't be upset and crying over this, I'm doing well and I'm doing all I can for S and W.
I think you need to be very, very careful with MIL. She could be a powerful ally, a serious liability, or a real deep operative bent on your destruction.
Be friendly but guarded with her. Do not mention DR, as it is your real ace in the hole. If you worry about having insights that seem to come from nowhere, add some other books to your library, like "The Truth about Love" or "Passages", even Dr. Phil may buy you some room. Be the man with the plan, just resist letting your hand show, know what I mean?
I hope she is really on your side, but I fell for the "we are on your side, you will always be welcome in our house" speech too, and I'm still trying to recover from the damage.
Sorry to sound cynical, but I'm speaking from hard won experience. Hope it helps.
P.S. Really sounds like you are doing great. If you have the time to read "Deep Survival", you may find that the traits most common to those that survive extreme situations are ones that you yourself have in spades. (Geez, enough card analogies, WC) You've hit the ground running, just keep it up (and don't beat yourself up too bad if you have a stumble or two).
Thanks, and I didn't mention DR and won't! It is the ace in the hole and I've played my share of cards to know when to show.
I really think she is sincere, but you can't be sure. As I've mentioend before she went through hell and made it mostlye hers in her D, so she keeps bringing it up and talking about irrepairable damage.
