I do more talking over the phone w/ the freinds I have come to know here,but yes once again I do offer support and all you guys are in my daily prayers.
I'm not too familiar with your sitch, but the anger issues I'm all too familiar with. I think I read it out of His Needs, Her Needs, but one of the things you have to change is the pattern. What are you arguing about, when, why, and where? Sit down and think this through, you will notice a pattern. Then change the pattern, and you should get results.
The two stories from either DR or the His/Her Needs was the one were the husband would come home upset about work and extra work. It would ruin the couples night when W would try and give advice. So one night, instead of advice she slams her fist down on the table and screams out "Doesn't your boss know you can't do this without the proper training, what an idiot, blah, blah." H is so stunned it grabs his attention.
The other is set up crazy ground rules, there was one were this couple couldn't argue unless is was nude. As H is throwing a fit, he is stripping and she ends up busting up so bad, that they can't argue without laughing now.
Not to say either of those will work, but think about your pattern, change it and take stock. Until you do that I guarantee your probably doing much of the same. I know I do.
Chiki I noticed in one of your previous posts something that caught my eye. You mentioned you seem more motivated when H is not around. That is exactly what my W has told her friend, although I do not veg on the couch, she just feels more free to be herself and a better mom and person.
Can you shed some light on your thought there, it would help me and maybe others.
Thanks CVA
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
So would you say that her moving onis what it took for you to seek professiojnal help as foar ar your anger issues?If you dont mind me asking a few questions since you seem to understand or read where my H is coming from. My H has had anger issues since his childhood steming from his father hwo also has same issues long w/ alcoholism.
I don't mind the questions at all -- it helps me deal with it more, too. I actually tried to get W to do some M counseling within the year prior to the separation, simply because our M was stale and in a rut. She didn't want to though because she HATES counseling (she had to do it as a kid and had really bad experiences apparently). However, it really did take her moving on for me to really take a deep look into myself and figure out where I had gone wrong -- not WE, but I. And admittedly, it took me several months and many slips before I finally began to get it right (still working on that though). I also had alcohol issues -- that is where I was the worst. Always yelling at her, calling her names, guilt tripping her, hitting things, etc. It is so embarrassing to look back on it from her POV. It is easy to see with all of my poor and immature behaviors over the years why she left.
You asked me she ever shows signs of regret and or wanting to come back -- I have to be honest with myself and say no (at least not yet -- gotta keep the PMA). I think she needs to see the change in me for A LOT longer before she will even begin to consider regretting her choice IMO. I think she feels guilty and shows signs of guilt for breaking up the family without really giving me a second chance, but that is it. All of her memories about the bad times and reasons for her leaving need to disipate and be replaced by all of the good times before she can begin to feel "in love" with me again. I don't know if it will ever happen, but I know that DBing and counseling have given me the best shot at that. Her current BF apparently has been meeting all of her emotional needs (EN), so I believe that helps to keep her from wanting to work things out with me. I just hope that the novelty of their R comes down at some point and she will look back at the new me and my new life and say "Wow. He really did change (she has said she didn't believe I ever could) and is doing really well. I wonder if...". Because I love her, I continue to stay optimistic, but I do believe it will may very well take a few years.
Sorry to go off on my own sitch -- feels good to talk about it with others though (thanks!).
I don't know if it will work with your H -- we have many similarities, but some differences too. I wouldn't lean toward the likelihood that it is necessary for him, though. However, the separation/Divorce would need to be a healthy one so he wouldn't be vengeful, spiteful, etc, because if it wasn't it could just cause him to put the blinders on to what HE did wrong in the R/M, and simply blame you. Being supportive, friendly, etc, while simultaneously being independent and assertive -- even when they're being ugly -- gives a person the best chance of getting to their S in most cases (this is totally my opinion though). I kind of go against the grain of the DB philosophy on not separating or divorcing. I think some situation (like mine) really can't be fixed until these extreme measures are taken (or are at least on the table and being seriously considered). I don't think I would've come around until I got counseling or really realized what I was in jeopardy of losing forever. However, I'm just one fish in this ocean of LBS's.
FIL might be influencing your H too, which is unfortunate. They kind of sound like two peas in a pod. However, I see glimmers of your H still kicking around the idea of coming back to you. What has you plan been since your separation and what have the results been? Have you read DR?
CVA- I experience the same thing that your W (and Chicki) are talking about. For me, I think it is about independence. I am more motivated when I get to make my own decisions about things. When H is around, he tries to run the show, and I have spent years deferring to him about everything. Now, lots of things are mine to handle on my own, and it feels nice.
I think that if H had looked at me more as a partner in decision-making, maybe this wouldn't be an issue for me. I also could have asserted myself more, but it was easy to let someone else take the lead.
I don't know if this would be your W's explanation for this, but this is how I see it for me.
I know the first story is from DR, but I can't remember for sure where the second one comes from (I've read His Needs/Her Needs too -- actually still reading it). However, that second story is friggin' hilarious! I LOL'd so hard when I read that part. Can't you just picture this older gent, angry as hell and stripping down to full nude all the while arguing his arse off?! Priceless -- if I ever get back together with my W that is what I'm going to suggest and follow through with too! I can see how doing it one time will help to quell all future arguments!
During our mediation sessions, my W said at one point that all she ever wanted was for us to be equals. For so long I pretty much controlled everything in our M. When she said this, I validated and said I know you did, and I'm sorry that this wasn't the case.
So for my WAW, the partnership in decision-making was a huge issue too. I wish I would've had the foresight to recognize it and make it right before things went south, but at least it is recognized now and I know I won't make the same mistake twice, with or without my W.
The story about the couple arguing naked comes from DR I think.
Chicki, even tho I haven't posted on your thread I have been following it and my htoughts are with you.
Gone Dancin' s advice seems hard to follow - way to go guy anh ope your wife does see the changes you've made. I for one am impressed. Seeing your posts to one another is what this place is all about. We can learn so much from each other.
Thanks and best wishes goe out to everyone.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
The story about the couple arguing naked comes from DR I think.
Chicki, even tho I haven't posted on your thread I have been following it and my htoughts are with you.
Gone Dancin' s advice seems hard to follow - way to go guy anh ope your wife does see the changes you've made. I for one am impressed. Seeing your posts to one another is what this place is all about. We can learn so much from each other.
Thanks and best wishes goe out to everyone.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
