CVA - Thread 2, Hold mode

[Nomopo]

Ok. It wasn't as bad as you probably feel. I think you need to ask yourself now, if you didn't before, what were reasonable expectations about the outcome. Having been through this exact sort of episode a few times (it still is tough to deal with even today), I have learned to prepare myself (and others, when appropriate) for what is likely to happen. When W went to see our current C, she painted the worst possible picture. She wanted to make sure C knew how bad things were, how bad I was and how far gone she was. Not that your W painted the worst possible picture - far from it, in fact. But I think it is easy to get a false sense of hope about what might happen at these sessions and then to be let down when it wasn't really realistic and we just set ourselves up for disappointment.

For example, when I spoke to cuz-in-law yesterday (still need to report on that), I tempered my expectations so that all I was really looking for was whether W said (or cuz got any indication) that it was definitely over. I knew W would bash me (or at least the past me), and talk about how she didn't love me, had no feelings for me, how she couldn't see things changing or me changing, maybe how she had no hope, etc., etc., etc.

Anyway, on to a few specific comments:

I walk in and he is pretty sullen about the outcome.

A couple of things. First, he could be trying to manage your expectations. I think you and I both know that we face serious uphill battles in our Ms. In fact, the odss are probably against us. So he may acting extremely cautiously not to give you false hope.

Second, he's just human. I found that both our Cs became attached to us and our situation, and wanted to see us successfully save our M. When W gave them some of the WAS lines, I think they both genuinely were bummed out. That's ok, but it is hard on us. Keep it in perspective. (I remember how upset our original C was when he learned of W's EA. I'd say he was crushed too.)

Third, because they're human. They can be wrong. And the really important thing is, your W is where she is today, but things can change. It's not like any of our WAS aren't really where they say they are (and they are just waiting for the right moment to say "hey, I wasn't really feeling that way, I loved you all the time and things were great, and I was ready to work on our M, but just didn't want to tell you yet because you hadn't fully understood everything"). No, they do feel the way they say they feel and they are working through things. And whether or not they do change, they definitely can change.

When I pressed him to tell me what she actually said to come to a conclusion that my W is just "along for the ride, comfortable where she is with the living arrangement, it is being financed..." his words, he said he was sort of going off what I had said about that and her lack of committment one way or another to all questions regarding our R and where it was headed.

So that's not so bad at all, and more importantly it's nothing new. You knew (right?) that she is "deciding" whether or not to walk away. You're in a holding pattern, just like me.

So, as my heart sank a bit

Totally understand. It's normal, but it's not rational. What single thing did you learn this morning that you didn't know? Nothing. And in fact you maybe got a positive (coming next).

, I tried to keep calm and ask if there was anything specific she said that would tell him it was over. No, he said.

Well, maybe you new this but for me this is a positive. She hasn't 100% made up her mind.

I told him I though she was in hold mode and still watching my every move. He tentatively agreed based on the fact that she said "during our past separations, he has been nice before but went back to the old cliff so I dont know (guessing here) if it will last".

I agree with your analysis, and glad you could help C get to that point. Is he pro-M, solutions-based, goal-oriented? Is he familiar with DR? Is he in Bellaire, by chance?

Also, what part were you guessing at? Is it the part where she said "I don't know if it will last?" Because that is a good part, given it didn't last the first three times. The fact she is at all open to seeing if it will last is big, IMO.

If she was done, wouldnt she have just said, "I dont care if he changes or not, I am not going on with this" or something to that effect?

I think so. And at a minimum that seems like th emost likely answer. What would she gain by not coming out and saying it? More of a free ride? Does she plan to live like that forever?

he says, "yes she is definitely letting you get close" but I sensed some hesitation on his part.

Did you ask him about this? Did he say if that was good or bad? Seems good to me.

Why would she let me get closer, to make pulling the rip cord more comfortable? That one is definitely hard for me to understand if that happens.

I just don't see it that way at all. But who knows? Not me. But you can't worry about it. You need to go forward with what you want to do, regardless of what is going through her head.

Need some advice.[. . .] I asked if it was "ok" to come over and she says yes, so...[. . .]????? would appreciate any advice here ladies and gents!

On what? Whether to go over? Yes, if you want to for you. On what to do/say or how to handle it? I'd just get right back into DB mode and your strategies.

I really don't see any valid reason for you to be down. Battle those emotions.

Hope it helps,
Nomopo