So would you say that her moving onis what it took for you to seek professiojnal help as foar ar your anger issues?If you dont mind me asking a few questions since you seem to understand or read where my H is coming from. My H has had anger issues since his childhood steming from his father hwo also has same issues long w/ alcoholism.
I don't mind the questions at all -- it helps me deal with it more, too. I actually tried to get W to do some M counseling within the year prior to the separation, simply because our M was stale and in a rut. She didn't want to though because she HATES counseling (she had to do it as a kid and had really bad experiences apparently). However, it really did take her moving on for me to really take a deep look into myself and figure out where I had gone wrong -- not WE, but I. And admittedly, it took me several months and many slips before I finally began to get it right (still working on that though). I also had alcohol issues -- that is where I was the worst. Always yelling at her, calling her names, guilt tripping her, hitting things, etc. It is so embarrassing to look back on it from her POV. It is easy to see with all of my poor and immature behaviors over the years why she left.
You asked me she ever shows signs of regret and or wanting to come back -- I have to be honest with myself and say no (at least not yet -- gotta keep the PMA). I think she needs to see the change in me for A LOT longer before she will even begin to consider regretting her choice IMO. I think she feels guilty and shows signs of guilt for breaking up the family without really giving me a second chance, but that is it. All of her memories about the bad times and reasons for her leaving need to disipate and be replaced by all of the good times before she can begin to feel "in love" with me again. I don't know if it will ever happen, but I know that DBing and counseling have given me the best shot at that. Her current BF apparently has been meeting all of her emotional needs (EN), so I believe that helps to keep her from wanting to work things out with me. I just hope that the novelty of their R comes down at some point and she will look back at the new me and my new life and say "Wow. He really did change (she has said she didn't believe I ever could) and is doing really well. I wonder if...". Because I love her, I continue to stay optimistic, but I do believe it will may very well take a few years.
Sorry to go off on my own sitch -- feels good to talk about it with others though (thanks!).
I don't know if it will work with your H -- we have many similarities, but some differences too. I wouldn't lean toward the likelihood that it is necessary for him, though. However, the separation/Divorce would need to be a healthy one so he wouldn't be vengeful, spiteful, etc, because if it wasn't it could just cause him to put the blinders on to what HE did wrong in the R/M, and simply blame you. Being supportive, friendly, etc, while simultaneously being independent and assertive -- even when they're being ugly -- gives a person the best chance of getting to their S in most cases (this is totally my opinion though). I kind of go against the grain of the DB philosophy on not separating or divorcing. I think some situation (like mine) really can't be fixed until these extreme measures are taken (or are at least on the table and being seriously considered). I don't think I would've come around until I got counseling or really realized what I was in jeopardy of losing forever. However, I'm just one fish in this ocean of LBS's.
FIL might be influencing your H too, which is unfortunate. They kind of sound like two peas in a pod. However, I see glimmers of your H still kicking around the idea of coming back to you. What has you plan been since your separation and what have the results been? Have you read DR?
