H is all about control. But why not just leave me be alone if he is so happy?
Could be for a few different reasons, I think. Has he actually said he is "so happy" or are these your words? One reason he's doing it could be that he isn't really happy and is considering whether or not the grass really is greener on the other side after all. Another could be that he wants to have his cake and eat it too -- he may just enjoy the power part of it. Also, the idea of of man's W being with someone else practically destroys us. It makes us darn near primal immediately following such revelations. We become very insecure because it makes us feel like we're less of a man when our W finds someone else more appealing to the extent that they choose that man over us. Bottom line though, I can't really say why he is doing this because none of us can get into his head (it's kind of small...jk).
I would suggest doing your best to not play his anger game and not to use God against him to make him feel guilty. When he emails or says mean and threatening things to you, let it just be water that rolls off your back (the duck analogy) and ignore it. Just don't go there. When H gets like that, if you tell him anything, tell him that you "can't talk right now and will do so when the dust settles and when the waters are calm." That it does neither of you any good to get into conversations like that. Keep doing it until he can settle his arse down and have a decent conversation with you. If he fires back up during the decent convo, excuse yourself again until the talk can be civil again. If he wants to talk with you, he will learn to keep his emotions in check as long as you stay consistent with this. This is my 2 cents, but it would be nice to get other people's take on all of this.
Do you post thoughtfully and consistently on other people's threads? That might help you get more traffic, I think.
I would agree w/ ^. If H is really having some serious anger issues, that is going to be very detrimental to you & children to have to be around that if he really does move back in.
If he can't talk calmly w/ you about what the 2 of you truly want to do from here on out, I'm thinking you may have to take some forward steps of your own on the D. But make sure that's really what you want before you do anything.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I am not really good at giving advice unless I read on a post that is familiar to mine and I put my 2cents worth.
He only said once in the beginning back in September 06 that she makes him happy. But he has been living w/her for four to five months now and has introduce her to his mom,dad and his siter. Whe he did that I told him that I guess it really is over by him doing that nad he said no that he still was not sold completly on her and introducing meant nothing by it.
Seriously though, I've been a horrible man many times throughout my M, and it really took my W leaving me, IC sessions once a week for 3 months, several self help and marriage books, and DR and this board to get me to where I am now (and still feel like I have a long way to go). I have made many great changes, and I believe that if I hadn't filed for D in January (out of spite for W leaving), W hadn't began dating OM (who is 12 yrs older than her) and she was able to really look at my hard earned changes, things might be different. However, it is what it is, and I won't give up until she marries someone else. That is my line in the sand.
Thanks for you compliment -- it really meant the world to me hearing that from SOMEONE!
Have you talked to H about his anger issues? Has counseling ever been mentioned by either of you? What was the resulting discussion? My take is that H will have to come to terms with his problem before he will be willing to seek help for it. Anger and control were issues I dealt with in my IC sessions, and it helped tremendously! I think consistently excusing yourself from arguments with H whenever he becomes angry will help him come to terms with his problem if he really wants to work on things with you. You definitely can't guilt trip him about it (it will only make him more angry -- trust me).
Also, if you don't have any advice to give on other threads, just offer words of support and encouragement. If you do so regulary on certain people's threads, they'll usually get back to you too.
Something to think about....one line & back to your "Drama".
You get the maximum benefit out of this site by following (& really thinking about) other poster's situations. Almost all of them have similarites to yours, to believe otherwise is misunderstanding our purpose here.
Much effort & empathy goes into responding to other people & their attempts at bettering their situations & themselves. By extending yourself, it tells them you have taken the time & energy to learn some of the skills from theirs & will perhaps add them to yours.
Drama, IMO, is best left out of interactions w/S's, it only serves to escalate & poison.
I apologize for coming off as blunt. We have all been in the same place @ one time or another, you can bet on that.
I have actually made a few freinds and there is one whom we even exchange phone numbers & we call eachc other all the time.
So would you say that her moving onis what it took for you to seek professiojnal help as foar ar your anger issues?If you dont mind me asking a few questions since you seem to understand or read where my H is coming from. My H has had anger issues since his childhood steming from his father hwo also has same issues long w/ alcoholism.
I love my H dearly and I want him to get better,but he needs to seek it himself. I dont know how much more insanity I can take. My biggest 180 from way back when this all started was to stop reacting to his temper tantrums and his pushing my buttons.He loves drama and when there isn't any he must push my buttons BUT when he was at home he even admitted things were running smoothly as far as his biggest complaint for our arguing. We got to a point we did not know how to communicate without arguing. I noticed as I stopped reacting and started letting things roll of my back he would calm down. Even his foul mouth started to diminish-big one!! Sometimes as he watched sports and was about to curse he would catch himself look around and would stop before he's say it!! His father was a big time adulterer but he did not leave my MIL until about four years ago where he came over here to the states and left her behind out of the country and is now living w/ OW. My H use to frown at his father and now (just like my MIL says) his father is his best freind! He is all the time over at his dads w/ his OW.
I hope one day if not too late my H will get to where your at. Does your ever show signs of regret and or wanting to come back? She would be a fool not to.
I do post to other threads, BTW. Probably not as lengthy in advice,but words of encouragement here and there I do. How else do you think I have gotten private email addresses and phone numbers? I have made freinds here. Dont misunderstand what GD said. I also have gotten responses telling my stich is quite different than most and therefore some people don't know what to make of my drama. I posted to lonelyolive, heartscared, kristen & others. I think you have it all wrong.
It wasn't an attack from Sunny. It was a suggestion, and I agree with it. When you throw yourself more deeply into other sitches, the learning comes more quickly. At their core, almost all these sitches are alike. If you've done this already, fine. If you haven't, we recommend it. That's all.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Could you PLEASE tell my W that?!