What do you think about her wanting to stay at the condo tonight? Should I offer to sleep in another room or at a friends or parents' house? Even though that is reeeeallly not what I want to do.
Did she ask you to stay elsewhere? If not, then don't. You can sleep in another room if you wish, but I wouldn't just leave unless asked. Just my opinion.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
I think you should stay with her in the Condo tonight, she knows your work times, so take this as an opportunity. Don't say anything on the sleeping arrangements until you have to, just play it by ear and see how the evening goes. Maybe make the offer of sleeping on the couch just prior to going to bed, especially if she seems uncomfortable. But I do think it will be a wait and see type of thing. Try and stay away from any R talk, just be relaxed and enjoy her company. I agree with WAW, you can't put a time line on this as it will back them into a corner and it could back fire, she unfortunately is the one who is calling the shots and you just have to follow her lead. But like anything there is room to keeping assessing and change the plans if need be. Best of luck with tonight! I will be thinking of you
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
That is the thing. I want to be next to her with every ounce of my being. I just want her to know that I can give her the space that she needs.
What about the fact that she wants to stay at the condo one day after deciding that she needs time away? And the reason she gives for wanting to stay at condo doesn't really make much sense.
That is the thing. I want to be next to her with every ounce of my being. I just want her to know that I can give her the space that she needs.
Believe me when I say I know how you feel, but the thing is, as harsh as it may sound, she doesn't want to be close to you right now so you need to give her her space. I know it's hard, but put your feelings on the back burner.
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What about the fact that she wants to stay at the condo one day after deciding that she needs time away? And the reason she gives for wanting to stay at condo doesn't really make much sense.
May be a small positive, but don't overreact to it ( I know, it's hard, I'm the king of overreaction to small positives, ask nomopo.lol) just be at ease and act as if.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
She doesn't probably even know what she wants, this is not unusual! They will be back and forth for awhile, thats why its important to give her the space, and no pressure. You need to show her the support in a very subtle way, nothing in your face, because that will scare her off. patience, patience, patience! use it as a mantra!!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Stew I agree with the other folks. I wouldn't leave the condo. I would be business as usual if I were you. Not mention the R, not even mention her leaving. Heck, I would sleep where ever it is you normally sleep. Let her be the one to decide to sleep on the couch or in another room. Esp if she has said she wants to leave. I am not saying this in a punitive way, but you may be surprised and she may crawl into bed next to you, she may not. But I guess its all about putting the ball in her court. Who knows she may broach the subject but I wouldn't bring it up. I would wait and see, you may be surprised.
I know that for the first few weeks of this separation with my H I was still sleeping in the same bed with H. Now we are taking turns staying at the house with D4 so she can sleep in her own bed. Mostly he gets to stay at the house and I am at my Moms until I can move into a duplex that I have been waiting for. '
Neither one of us has slept on the couch to date.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
This is a long one. Things just were flowing onto the page.
I think you all are right. I won't be staying on the couch, in another room or somewhere else unless she brings it up. I don't know what to think right now. I went home for lunch and she came home shortly thereafter. She asked me how I was doing. She asked about the IC yesterday. I told him what he said about separation not meaning the end of a relationship. That he has seen people in much worse situations and come back and have a stronger relationship than when things were "good". She seemed encouraged by this.
I think part of our problem, and specifically more on her side because I have educated myself quite a bit since this started, is that in the ten plus years that we have been together, we have never even been close to breaking up. We have had such a strong bond that we were able to get through anything and we rarely if ever had relationship problems. We never even really had any fights. Now things are a bit rocky and it is a situation that we have not dealt with before so I don't think she is used to feeling this way and I think it is foreign to her and therefor she thinks that this must mean the end. With a little counseling I think she will really come around to wanting this to work and not being so gloomy about our chances.
We talked about my mother's party tomorrow. (50th b-day) She asked if I had told anyone in my family and I told her that I told my father and he stayed at the condo last night and that he was just going to keep it to himself for now. She asked if she should skip the party. I told her she did not have to do that, and that my family loves her and that they always will. She said she didn't think they would love her if she was leaving me. I told her they would because they love the person that she is and not just because she is my wife.
Then she started saying things that improved my mood a bit. She told me that she would be staying at the condo, that she was going to the gym but would be home at a reasonable hour (relative to our situation probably like 2:00 am since she gets off work at midnight). Then she said she went to a couple of vineyards around the area with her father. She said that she got my sister's husband a white wine because it was a really sweet white wine (his favorite). Then she said she got "us" a white whine and that she really thinks I will like it and also a red table wine. She said her father got "us" a red wine. Another small thing but I definitely noticed it and it is going on the positive side in my solutions journal tonight.
Then she told me she could not sleep last night. That she just laid on the couch and watched TV all night. She said she was really tired. I wanted to tell her that I could barely sleep at all myself, but I just said that it was important for her to get enough sleep because she works so hard.
Right before we talked about what the counselor said, I told her again that I would be there for her if she needed me and that I would wait for her to figure things out. When I say this to her, she always cries. She is a very emotional person- like cry at the drop of a hat or watching commercials on TV. I suspect it is mostly guilt, as she has said many times she does not want to hurt me. I did not tell her that I would not wait too long. Just didn't feel like the right thing to do now.
That is good to hear some positives. I think the wine for "us" is a huge step. I admire how low key you have kept things with everyone and how you two are handling things together I think it shows good committment and a mutual respect.
I know what you are saying. I am trying not to get my hopes up too high over relatively small things. I just think she is really confused right now.
I slept in our bed last night. She came in around 1, didn't go to the gym. She told me when she came in again that she didn't sleep at all the night before. She got ready for bed and then crawled into our bed. No cuddling but it was just nice to hear her breathing next to me. I woke up in the middle of the night and just watched her. She still makes my heart skip a beat when I look at her. How do I love her so much after the things that she says and does? I don't understand it, but for some reason I do love her just as much as I always did.
Well, we are going to my mother's 50th b-day dinner tonight. My family still does not know (except for my father) and I plan on keeping it that way for some time. Hopefully (and this is a long shot, I know) I will never have to tell them. I am just going to pretend that everything is normal tonight. I don't imagine she will sleep here tonight, so my mood tomorrow is going to be significantly worse. At least it is Wednesday though. Almost through the week. We shall see what the rest of the week has in store for me.
