Thanks peeps. I'm just not very 'present' right now. I feel like I'm in a fog. I don't even know if that makes sense.
BeingMe, when she first told me about this struggle she said it has been her whole life. Her first memory, at age 3, is being sexually abused by her grandfather. I do understand, to whatever degree possible for me, how that would make it difficult if not impossible for me to ever want to be intimate with anything that even closely resembled the abuser...., at any level. I'm trying to keep it together. Extreme ups and downs at the moment. The thing that hurts the most is this was a friend. The OW told me that W shared this struggle with her during a visit back in January. OW invited W back in April for a week of political events. OW said that when she invited W back, she had made the decision to try and seduce my W. She did in April. I need to take your advice and get my goals squared away in light of these events. To be totally honest? I can't even think past the next few hours right now. Sorry to sound like such a wuss. I gotta cowboy up here and quick. I'm taking a beating.
Phoenix_spark, good advice. I did join a board that deals specifically with this issue; spouses of those with SSA. It has helped some. Reading through some of the threads here dealing with this helps as well.
I know I didn't cause this attraction in her, but I didn't help. I hurt her by doubting her and such. This just reinforced in her mind that men are not safe. Sucks. She told me once that she will go out with her friends and they will point some guy out that they are all ga-ga about. She will look and try, try to feel something, anything that they are feeling. Nothing, nada, zip. I said, that's kind of a good thing, I would be uncomfortable if you were acting like some boy crazy teen. She said, you don't understand, I'm usually feeling whatever it is that they are feeling, only it's for the guys girlfriend or some other girl walking by.
W has told me she would give anything to change this but nothing has worked to change her.
One of the counselors I talked to about this specific issue told me that the problems in our R, my behavior for sure, are making this struggle much greater for her.
What to do now?
Still don't know.
Thank you Sven. Honestly, you don't realize how important your, and everyone else's words are right now. I flip between blind rage and walking away, sometimes within seconds. I can't wait for the emotional crap to subside so I can think and decide clearly.
You know, I was hesitant to post on other folks threads. I didn't think I had a handle on this stuff so what help could I offer? Then I got an e-mail asking me to check out someone in Newcomers, offer help. I thought, things are getting better, coming around, maybe I can help others. I have the knowledge and a year of experience, (not much but still more than someone just starting out), maybe I can at least tell them what NOT to do in those first months as I have made plenty of mistakes. Learn from my screwups, it's easier.
I still believe in all of the stuff I posted, DB'ing, Homer's material, the coaching from Jody and Chuck, advice from peeps on this board.
