Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Trixi]

If it is an MLC, it's been going on for several years already. shouldn't it be done by now? :p

Since he feels "drawn" and "compelled" to see what it would be like to be free, now that he is "more mature, wiser, has more self-confidence, is better off financially", I feel as if I am fighting a fantasy that can't be beat. Even if I was all things to him, I am not perfect and I am sure the fantasy would fill whatever void I could not.

Journaling
I never mentioned having the extra room being set up with a bed. We fell into some familar habits. He came home for dinner the usual time. He wasn't loving like before, but polite. I tried to keep things light and friendly. We ate dinner and he expressed how tired he was. (Made me feel bad since he had slept in our bed and not the couch--and I don't think he complained of being tired sleeping on the couch. But I digress.) He sat down on the couch and turned on the tv. I did some stuff on the laptop. Sat nearish him on the couch, but we did not snuggle as we usually do. We actually ended up watching 1.5 hours completely together, then he moved to the floor to play his guitar for another hour (while we watched another show) and after that he went upstairs to his computer. An hour and half after that, I came to him and reminded him that headlines was going to be on Leno (monday night ritual for us to watch in bed) and asked if he wanted me to pause it. He said sure.

He came to bed, laid on top of the covers dressed watching the segment. Went to have a smoke. Came back and got undressed and into bed. Little awkward because normally we snuggle and hold hands while watching tv and last night we didn't. Watch some of Conan. He turned his back to me and was trying to reach an itch. I scratched his back some. ....Suffice it to say we had REALLY good sex and went to sleep.

I am supposed to see a counselor tomorrow who knows both of us. She was going talk to me about helping me/us get through this transition. Honestly, I am sort of ambivalent about her goal in that arena. I kinda feel like she was pushing him to make a decision that would "make him happy". I don't think that was the right tact- but no one put a gun to his head.

I am torn about GAL. Right now, he is still coming home for dinner, etc. If I all of a sudden start not being around, he will start creating a life that doesn't include me. (feel free to break out the 2x4s).

One thing I don't want is for him to be "free" to call all the shots, come and go as he pleases, not wear his wedding ring, be stingy with affection and then still get great sex. On the one hand I know it keeps us connected, but on the other, that's a great life for him, not so great for me.

One other thing, when we *were* talking about separation, he didn't want any restrictions placed on him regarding dating or sex. He was willing to call us "separated" (so I can continue on his insurance) until the end of the year, at which point we would "re-evaluate" the sitch and if things weren't better we would file at the beginning of next year. Doesn't that sully the sanctity of marriage?