Big Girls Don't Cry

[hopefloats7]

Hi everyone.

I don’t post much anymore but I do try to follow how all of you are doing. So sorry to see many new names here.

I remember when I first came here—so long ago now—and I would seek out posts from “OT’s” to see how their situations were going. I guess it helped me in some way. So I felt like maybe I should post something.

I’m doing a lot better. I went through a period of deep sadness (again) back in the spring, but I can’t remember when I last cried about my separation or my H’s crisis. I’ve stayed very busy at work and I took an adult ed. class (I have my degree, but am seeking out another career path, too). My health is better and I no longer look like an anorexic (I did, believe me).

After 2 years of this and so much energy expended on my H’s crisis I have separated myself enough from the “mess” and put enough distance between me and that stress. I have begun to almost not care anymore. I see now what he put me through. I know my H was depressed and in crisis, seeking out ways to appease his pain. But I got dragged along emotionally and it took a huge toll. However at the time, no one could pry me away from this situation and I steeped myself daily in its murky, messy confusion. I don’t do that anymore but I had to move away from it in my own time.

I can say I am not going to fall apart if we do get a D. I haven’t filed yet and neither has he, but either one of us could now. And you know something? It’s ok if it happens. Maybe a relief to hear the other shoe drop. Closure brings peace.

Recently my H has been in contact with me as things on his end are changing greatly. He’s selling the house and many of his expensive, impulsive MLC purchases. I am glad he’s purging those things from his life. Many of them remind me of the ow and the time he spent with her. I wonder if he feels the same way.

I have talked to him as recently as this week (he initiates ALL contact now) and I am certain that the replay arrogance is gone. I don’t even need to see him to know that he’s through it. You can tell by the tone of his voice, the words he uses. He still focuses on his troubles and has told me how much debt he’s in (all his own doing). But he practically laughs at himself in a self-depreciating manner now. There is no blame directed at me or anger spewed.

Yesterday, he asked me several times how I was, what I was doing, what I planned to do later in the evening. I am vague on purpose and don’t feel the need to say too much. I have nothing to hide nor nothing to say. I am cordial but there is no desperation for a reconciliation in my voice.

I have grown far above this. I have my own life now. There is no man in it but there needn’t be. I’m fine.

I noticed in our conversation that he asked me how several of my family members were doing. He sprinkled the conversation with little funny quotes from an old tv show that we used to watch all the time. This is old behavior, pre-crisis. He hasn’t done that in a long time. And yes, I did laugh along.

I know that he knows he screwed up, big time.

He’s planning to live with a family member once the house is sold. This should be in a few months. The person he is saying he will live with is a great person and will be a fantastic influence on him. I think this is the best thing for him.

He’s asked me to take puppy while he “fixes his life”. At first I was hesitant about doing it because I don’t want to confuse puppy, and I don’t want to re-attach myself to an animal that is ultimately H’s. But he said he wanted him to be with someone that loved him and cared about him, and once he got here it would be like he never left. So I agreed to do it.

This means we will have to see each other before summer’s end. I haven’t seen H in 8 months. We haven’t worked out who will go where yet, as there are 5 hours between us, but that isn’t a worry to me. I really don’t worry about any of this anymore.

I don’t know if my H is in withdrawal; he works several jobs and isn’t balled up in bed in the dark, if that is what withdrawal means. But I know he isn’t in replay anymore. For those of you who wonder if your wife or husband is still in replay, let me tell you this: if you have to ask, they aren't through it. You will KNOW it when it happens. It’s very obvious.

So that's me. This no longer dominates my every thought and move. I have my moments for sure, but 2 years have changed things for me. I didn't think I would ever heal; I have begun to. I just want to offer hope to those who are in the early stages of this and feel like life is over. It's not. If I can pick myself up, you will, too.

If I have further updates about this and anyone is interested, I'll post again.
Love,
Hope