I am so sorry that you are going through this. It seems like your W, like my H, will use whatever you say or do against you in order to make themselves feel better. Being on the same side as you, I completely agree with what you told your wife. Yeah, you probably shouldn't have said it only because our spouses cannot reason. They are irrational. We all take fault for problems in our marriages, but like you said earlier no one is perfect. However, turning to someone else only creates more problems and destroys families. Having an affair is selfish. In her heart, she has to know that ending your marriage is going to hurt your girls and she has to look at herself in the mirror and realize that she is to blame for not trying to make things right with you. I might have missed this somewhere, but is your W still seeing OM? Her reaction makes me think that she is.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I concur with OTB. Bad marriage/poor communication/letting green fuzz grow on the cheese in the frig: 50/50. Having the affair, 100% her fault, along with filing for D.
In my case, I was the one who had the EA, and my W is the one who insisted on separation and filed for D. When I moved out, I was still trying to reconcile and so (at W's suggestion)I told my boys it was MY fault. I have since regretted this.
But in your case it is much clearer. She had the affair, she filed for divorce. There is no reason for you to accept half the blame for the divorce. No reason you should hide this from your church friends or to tell your girls that this is something you "both" want, if you DON'T. Say "Mommy doesn't want to live with me anymore" when it comes up, not "Mommy and Daddy have decided its best for everybody if we have two houses."
She wants all this kept quiet because she still feels guilty about it. Why let her off the hook? Maybe the guilt will make her re-think things; probably not. But if she's out the door anyway, she should at least take the responsibility with her.
In her heart, she has to know that ending your marriage is going to hurt your girls and she has to look at herself in the mirror and realize that she is to blame for not trying to make things right with you.
She can reason this in her mind. She tells me that "she gave me her heart for 7+ years and I never meet her needs. You tried, you did all that you could, you never have been able to meet my emotional needs. I tried to let you have my heart and I no longer have it in me to love you. You missed the best part of me and I will no longer let you in or open back up to you." She rationalizes not trying now by saying that she tried for so long and I just did not get it.
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I might have missed this somewhere, but is your W still seeing OM? Her reaction makes me think that she is.
I honestly have no idea if she is or is not. I do think she is still seeing Dr. Adultery but I really do not know. I stopped snooping and she no longer flaunts it in my face. I believe one of two scenarios are playing out: the A is still going on although much more discreet, or is on hold until after both D's go through. Either way our family gets destroyed.
she wants all this kept quiet because she still feels guilty about it.
Actually she claims to be at peace with this decision, yet she claims to have never been so broken before.
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Why let her off the hook?
I agree, though I do not want to be vengeful. The problem that I have, like you, is that I want our M to workout. While trying to keep the road paved to reconcile as smooth as possible I come to points where I wonder if it is worth standing my ground(adding a bump in the road), or give in a little to try and keep things smooth. Early on I went with giving in all the time, now I have been standing my ground but the road appears to be getting bumpier and bumpier.
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Maybe the guilt will make her re-think things; probably not. But if she's out the door anyway, she should at least take the responsibility with her.
Her re-thinking her decision is wishful thinking at this point. I agree that she needs to own up to her share of the responsibility in our M failing and shattering like this.
All I can say is hang in there. Things will get better. As long as our spouses are still involved with OP, they will not be able to think straight. They cannot and will not see clearly when they involved with someone else. We are better off banging our head against the wall than trying to reason with them. Someday, it will hit your wife, and then all this rationalizing that she is trying to do will be thrown out the window, and all that will be left is two girls who didn't get to grow up with their mom and dad, but you can always say that you gave it your all. Don't ever doubt that.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
If she is at peace with this decision, then why does she care who knows about it? There are only 2 reasons I see for "keeping it quiet." One is if you are both really unsure and are working on it. Especially if you don't want the "rumor mill" to get back to your kids. And two is if she just doesn't want people from church "hassling her" because her mind is already made up.
The first reason requires close cooperation and telling a very limited number of people. And not, for instance, filing papers at the courthouse (public record).
I never took you for the vengeful type, and I'm not suggesting you try to "punish" or "shame" her. But you do need to make clear to her that you are not going to shield her from the normal consequences of divorce. Such as: extended legal disputes, lowered standard of living, longer work hours, limited parenting time, and disapproving friends and family.
When I went for limited (not life-time) alimony, XW complained that I had promised to "take care of her" forever. I had to explain that I was willing to do that for my wife, but if she didn't want to be my wife, then she could take what the court decided. Your W isn't asking for alimony, but she is asking you to take care of her, to set her up in her own home and watch the girls whenever she decides to work and generally make this easy. Not your job anymore.
I think I am really starting to hate my W.... I hope she does not inspire our girls to be anything like her.
- Terrible teenager, telling her parents that she hated them, they are stupid,etc.... - Overly promiscuous in her teens. Often offering boys a feel to get their attention. Even once offered a boy her virginity as a b-day present. - She treated me like crap over the years, giving more affection to everyone else. - She is now a two timing cheat. - She is destroying her family.
Not exactly the role model that I want to inspire my girls......
Question: She is asking for my help to collect documents to give to her L. Do I need to help this crazy person?
The short answer would probably be "No." IMHO if she wants it she does it. You do the work that your lawyer requests of you, she does the work for her lawyer. You don't have to help end your marriage and you might tell her that when she asks.
I concur 100%. It depends somewhat on what sort of papers she's looking for, whether she can get them herself or they are yours alone. If it's joint stuff and she wants help locating or organizing it, she can do that herself.
If it is stuff that she cannot get without your cooperation, you have to decide whether to cooperate, or to tell her that she can't have those papers. In which case her attorney will have to subpoena them from you. This will certainly delay things, and cost some money.
In your current mood, you may feel like speeding things up to get it over with, or making things difficult for her just to be difficult, vs. a delay tactic in hopes of reconciliation. Your call.
